Personal Log, Captain Somek

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 92564.1 (Dossier)

This will be my first personal log entry since joining 38th Fleet, and I hope to use this log to more closely catalogue my personal thoughts and insights for further insight and analysis than I did with my previous logs. They were, unfortunately, rather dry and repetitive.

So far I have been met with nothing but kindness from my new crew members and fellow officers. I managed to surprise a few of them by picking them out by name despite having never met them before. Studying the roster of one's fleet seems not to be a priority. As the old adage goes, "know thine enemy," but I would add that it is at least equally vital to know thine friend.

I did have a rather fascinating experience tonight. I met a fellow Vulcan, whose name I'll keep to myself. I intend to keep these logs private, but even so I would like to doubly protect this person's identity, as I know that a great many Vulcans would not approve. In short, I discovered this Vulcan to be v'tosh ka'tur. They expected, not without reason, some disdain from me. But I assured them that I feel quite the opposite.

I am fully genetically Vulcan, having been born to fully Vulcan parents. However, I was born and raised on Earth, surrounded by humans and other species. I am aware of and respect our culture, but I steeped in human emotion, even grew to admire it. Our ancestors who worked with the first space-traveling humans were well-documented to have looked down upon emotion as a basis for decision-making, but I know that that is the human way and respect it's power.

However, until tonight I had viewed the practice of emotion more academically than internally. I've become accustomed to emulating human emotional behaviors: I smile, I understand humor, etcetera. But I was, in practice, more like an android than a half-Vulcan. I know how and why emotion works, but I have not truly felt it. It is the difference between knowing that the Earth sky is blue, and experiencing its blueness.

But I had never begun to approach that for the same reason my fellow Vulcan was hesitant to admit it at first. I did not want to risk the stigma or jeopardize my standing in Starfleet. I would not characterize it as being afraid, but simply prudent. But now, having spoken, openly no less, to a v'tosh ka'tur, I've begun go truly think about this.

Alas, my present duties leave little time to devote to such a pursuit. But perhaps, with time, I can come back to this question.

End log.

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 92610.4

It seems I have already broken my promise to update this log more frequently than previously. Old habits, and such.

It has been a while since I have conducted such frequent and relatively (for a Defiant-class ship at least) long-range patrols, and I've found it somewhat taxing. When I returned from the Delta Quadrant I spent a lot of time on the ground and on Earth Space Dock, and when I was given my command of the Republic I was sent to patrol various inner systems, and rather sporadically at that. I'm sure the explicit reasons were to run the ship in and train the crew, which are certainly valid reasons. But given the violent nature of the loss of my last ship, and the conflict that surrounded that loss, I wouldn't be surprised if command wasn't sure how I would react to long patrols and real threats. I am a Vulcan, so I am by nature resistant to many of the after-effects of violent combat and personal loss, but perhaps they doubted my resilience due to my upbringing among humans.

Though, certain recent events may lend some credence to that supposition. During our patrol of the Azha system, we detected a freighter just at the edge of sensor range. Officially, my officers and I have dismissed it as a sensor malfunction, to be diagnosed upon return to the station. But I happened to be standing behind the Conn when the signal was received, and for a split second I could have sworn I read Vaadwaur bio-signs on the freighter. However, the ship moved out of sensor range briefly and when it was reacquired, it read fully human. Our preliminary diagnostic showed no faults in the system, and in a way I'm hoping a more complete diagnostic will turn up something that can be fixed, as the implications of the reading having been correct is somewhat disturbing.

In other news, I have had plenty of downtime during the more uneventful patrols, but have not put much thought towards a possible exploration of emotions. I began somewhat of an historical review of human culture with respect to items that might be considered highly emotional: works of art and music, for instance. I am familiar with many works already, mostly of popular music, including some artists from the 20th and 21st centuries that seem promising. My premise is that exposing myself to highly emotional works while reflecting on my more learned and emulated human behaviors may have some effect over time. I am not certain how those such as v'tosh ka'tur arrived at their emotional state, whether it is simply a matter of concentrated effort or whether it comes naturally. A conversation with such a Vulcan may be necessary to determine this, and while I am fortunate in having already met one, I am somewhat concerned with the propriety of such a relationship. I know they are only somewhat guarded in their display of emotion, but despite my various human-like outward displays, I do not believe I am yet ready to show a genuine interest in embracing emotion. I must be cautious.

End log.

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 92627.4

Sensor diagnostics have inadvertently lengthened our stay on DS13, though I've appreciated the opportunity for some downtime on the station, as there are always new people to meet and fresher food to eat. However, the confirmed lack of any deficiencies in the sensors is at best frustrating and at worst somewhat concerning. My official response was to dismiss the anomaly we discovered as user error, but at least two highly trained Starfleet officers noticed it before it disappeared, and it seems unlikely for all involved to have been incorrect in the same way, simultaneously. That being said, I wouldn't be surprised if the recent trellium-D scare on the Republic had something to do with it. As far as I am aware, all who noticed the anomaly are Vulcan, and one of the symptoms of trellium-D poisoning is paranoia.

On a related note, the trellium-D incident also coincided with a development in my investigation into emotion. Since I was not born with an emotional proclivity, I had determined that if I were to experience it, I would need to induce it somehow. When standard methods such as listening to emotional music or reading emotional stories had failed, I realized I would need to utilize a somewhat more... invasive method. There are three main events that are known to induce emotional responses in Vulcans: pon farr, mind-melding, and trellium-D exposure. The pon farr is volatile and unpredictable, and thus would be extremely difficult to experiment with in a controlled manner, so it was eliminated. Both mind-melding and trellium-D exposure can be carefully controlled, but with practice and experience, mind-melding is perfectly safe, whereas trellium-D can easily lead to addiction and permanent mental disabilities, and thus I had not planned on using it. But I have taken the opportunity of having been accidentally exposed to record my findings. It was not a large exposure, so I did not experience any sharp spikes in emotional activity, but I felt a certain uncomfortableness that is difficult to describe but can probably best be illustrated by my creeping thoughts of the Vaadwaur that I interpreted in the freighter readings, and some unwelcome thoughts about my final hours aboard the U.S.S. Corse as we fought the Vaadwaur. I think I can safely say I'd rather not pursue further trellium-D experimentation, intellectually because of its risks, but also because I'm concerned about the emotional route it may take me down.

That leaves me with the possibility of a mind-meld. The trick there is finding a suitably experienced - and willing - partner. Given the demands of my posting and my mission, that may prove exceedingly difficult.

End log.

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 92650.7

These past few days have been more eventful than the entirety of our patrols before them. I lost my science officer, Lt. Noquar, as his exchange aboard the Republic from the Heirarchy has ended and he is returning to the Delta Quadrant. This was an expected transfer, and he has been replaced by an officer who has been sitting on my candidate roster for some time, Lt. Tliz, whom I look forward to getting to know. Unexpected, however, was the departure of my tactical chief, Cmdr. Stolcals. The colony in which his family resides was struck by an unfortunate natural disaster, and he requested an indefinite leave of absence to be with them and to render assistance. He is a good officer and I hate to lose him, but I understand his need. In the meantime Cmdr. Pucial is taking over his duties, a change that we both believe may benefit us to become permanent.

Nearly simultaneously to these events, we discovered another Vaadwaur lifesign reading aboard a freighter in circumstances identical to the first such reading we received. Dr. Lobley assures me that any paranoia induced by my previous trellium-d poisoning should have worn off by now, though in any case several more personnel noticed the reading this time, which indicates it is not a subjective phenomenon. Additionally, our thorough sensor diagnostic has ruled out the possibility of mechanical or user error. The reading is definitely real, and the implications are somewhat troubling. The Vaadwaur are enemies of the Federation, so any such presence in the Beta Quadrant, even civilian, is somewhat troubling. The fact that it is appearing along the Klingon border could indicate some collusion from some dissident House, but that is an internal matter for the Klingons and I doubt I would be given jurisdiction to investigate such a possibility in detail, but I could at least alert the Council to the possibility. But frankly what is more disturbing is the sudden disappearance of the lifesign immediately after detecting us. One would suspect that someone is taking great pains to hide this person from detection, but for what purpose? And why then would they be sloppy enough to allow even slight detection? Or, are they allowing some detection purposefully?

I fought the Vaadwaur before, and I can say I made some personal enemies among them. I couldn't shake the feeling the first time that one of them may be attempting to carry out a personal vendetta against me, but at the time I attributed it to my mild paranoia from the trellium-D. But now that such paranoia is impossible, I still have the suspicion. I have no desire to enter that conflict again, but this pattern seems less and less random and conflict seems more and more inevitable. I decided this time not to pursue the freighter, but the next time we detect it I may have to.

In all of this, I still haven't had the time to devote much thought to my emotional exploration, though I did determine some possible consequences of doing so. My conflict with the Vaadwaur was rather violent and brutal, and I witnessed a great deal of death and suffering at a personal level. As a Vulcan, I processed all of this logically and insofar as I could "make peace" with it all, I did, which is to say emotions played no role. If I were to explore these memories from an emotional point of view, however, it may be possible to experience a great deal of retroactive stress, grief, disgust, etc.; a range of things that I may not be able to handle all at once. This is one of the reasons I have been careful not to try this too quickly. But after this patrol, I may schedule a somewhat longer shore leave than usual. I'm sure the crew could use the relaxation, my new officer can get to know the station, and I can, maybe, devote more time to preparing for my emotional explorations.

End log.

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 92665.1

I have until now had plenty to think about, but now I believe it is finally time to act. I've kept my Vulcan friend's identity anonymous in my logs, as I did not want to promote undue stigma or prejudice upon her were they to somehow become public, but seeing as I spoke with her in public and plan to inform my commanding officer, the Republic's senior officers, and any Vulcan crewmembers of my impending decision, I see no further point in keeping it anonymous. Tonight I sat down in the cantina on DS13 with Commander Keelah Se'lai of the U.S.S. Dawnstar and discussed my quest for emotion. She has spent nearly her entire life embracing emotion, so I sought not only insight and advice from her perspective, but also the deeply personal favor of guiding me in a mind-meld in order to access emotions in a way that simple exposure to emotional stimuli has failed to do. She was incredibly understanding and wise, and we had a fascinating discussion of the considerations, effects, and potential consequences of such an action. We ultimately agreed to do it, but we must take our time and I have a number of preparations to make.

Firstly, I am composing a memo to Captain Buchanan to both inform him of my exploration and ask official permission to do the mind-meld, as it may have unforeseen and potentially harmful effects on my ability to command, and therefore on my mission. I should do the meld either while the Republic is docked and uncommitted, or I will have to request personal leave, as I do not want to endanger my crew nor delay or compromise my mission, so I will need to coordinate that with Buchanan as well. I believe I should also have medical surveillance during the meld, but I suspect I will not need medical attention so badly as to warrant the presence of an officer, so any medical personnel will do. However, I should also have psychological evaluations before and after the meld, with an assessment of my mental state and duty readiness afterwards being of utmost importance. While I and Commander Se'lai are both strong of mind, there are still risks to the mind-meld, ranging from lack of emotional control to complete mental failure, that could make me unfit for duty. While I accept those risks personally, I think my crew, especially my senior staff and any other Vulcans on the Republic, should be made aware of them. I am sure that some would view this as a pointless act of self-destruction, and I am loathe to think of abandoning my crew in such a way without at least making my case to them, even if I don't intend to give them a say in it.

In any case, I believe I am ready for this journey. I hadn't even considered it until I first spoke with Keelah, and since then I had questioned the logic of such an act. But my conversation with her tonight finally solidified my resolve, and from my life spent among humans I have seen the ways that emotion can benefit logic, and the fact that not everything need be logical in the first place. Perhaps I will become a new man, perhaps I won't actually change that much. I just hope that, after the mind-meld, Keelah and I will still be friends, that I can maintain the trust of my crew, and that my cats will still pay attention to me.

End log.

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 92802.9

I just returned to the Republic from a rather... interesting conversation on the station. I met Lt Cmdrs V'lol and Suvik, two fellow Vulcans, but I made the mistake of mentioning my upcoming mind-meld in the hopes of establishing a reasonable dialogue. However, they proceeded to accuse my parents of poor parentage, and me of both constituting a physical danger to myself and those around me and wholly renouncing logic on a whim in order to embrace insanity. I wouldn't say that their logic is invalid, but I believe it is unsound; it stems from a number of faulty premises, including that emotion itself constitutes mental illness, and that Vulcans are inherently better than other species. This hasn't shaken my resolve to go through with it, but I can certainly understand why Keelah is hesitant to act like herself around other Vulcans.

In any case, I'm guessing the cat is really out of the bag this time. Suvik informed me that it was his responsibility to be insubordinate and report me as a danger to myself and those around me, and while I understand his point of view in the matter, it was illogical of him to refuse my offer to view and judge for himself the measures I am putting in place to eliminate any possible risk. I'm not sure how he intends to show that I am dangerous if he can't gather the facts, except his references to the "well-documented" historical record on v'tosh ka'tur. Never mind that the proportion of such Vulcans to the total population can only be generously described as "non-zero," or that the production of Vulcan-hybrid offspring with other species statistically dwarfs them--though I'm sure Suvik and V'lol would have plenty to say about that as well. That's a story that is all to familiar to humans who know their history, and I've known some humans who would probably call them "space-racist," which I suppose would be funny except that it calls into question why these Vulcans are still a part of the Federation, whose core philosophies include individual determinism and societal equality.

Many humanoids are notorious for committing the fallacies of both division and composition upon other species. It is certainly incongruous to see Vulcans doing it to other Vulcans as well as other species, but I, for one, am not surprised. I would say I hope my impending experience will serve as evidence to ease their -- dare I say it -- fears about v'tosh ka'tur, but I suspect that, to them, it will simply be the exception that proves the rule.

End log.

[Neospirifer]

Stardate 93878.1

"Begin log.

"It has been... some time since my last entry. I thought I would try something different with an audio log."

Sounds of sitting in a chair and drumming of fingers on the desk.

"Long story short the mind-meld was successful, and it has truly taken me on a journey. I thoroughly understood what I was getting myself into, but after a lifetime of intellectual understanding of emotion, actually experiencing it is something no one could fully prepare for. My required time off duty was certainly welcome and utilized."

Chuckles, then sighs.

"I spent a lot of that time finally experiencing the stress, grief, guilt, and anger associated with the battles I have fought and which had until this time been kept at bay. What had simply been a social mask was suddenly genuine. In fairness, I certainly also received a rush of positive emotions after the meld. Feelings of love for my parents, fondness for my crew. I always smile when I look over at Oliver in his bed next to my desk. But... the negative emotions have tended to carry more weight, exhibit more presence in my mind."

Long pause.

"The years on and around Kobali Prime are somewhat more constantly on my mind. So many killed. Penner, T'rov, Orrin, and Captain Neospirifer... I stand by my actions, but their consequences, and those inherent in every war, are still haunting."

Heavy sigh.

"In any case, I've tried to keep these rather negative thoughts private. Their resolution would not be hastened by unloading them upon others, and I don't seek undue sympathy. Plus, I don't need to give ammunition to my fellow Vulcans in the fleet to deny either the success of the procedure or my fitness for duty. My experiences are not unique; If allowing myself to feel and learn from that trauma makes me unfit for duty, then nearly every captain in the fleet ought to be removed from service. I am still, ultimately, logical; but if my emotions begin coloring my decision making process, so be it. The Borg can keep their perfection. I'll settle for excellence."

Contemplative pause.

"That was a bit cliche. Oh well.

"End log."