The recording begins and Beylara is sitting before the camera, at her desk. She looks tired. One hand lifts and rubs at the same side eye and she offers the camera a small smile.
"There really isn't that much going on, that I haven't covered in official reports or logs. Maybe a few personal notes."
There's no steaming cup, no wooden carving. Just a sleepy-looking, newly-minted Captain.
"I was promoted to Captain. It feels unreal most of the time still, like someone snuck an extra pip onto my uniform. My duties remain the same, so I can't get used to it when someone off the ship calls me Captain, I instinctively want to correct them. It's such a subtle change that I can't quite get over it, but one that is so incredibly life-changing that I know it will never stop being amazing."
A pause, a yawn, and a smile that falters a little.
"Even the happiest moments are marred. The nightmares are still here, although they are either getting less terrifying or I'm learning to sleep through them. Or I just can't wake myself up. I don't find myself sitting up in bed anymore. I'm getting enough sleep--mornings are still awful, of course."
"Let's see. Emery has made me promise to go to Risa this year." She makes a disgruntled noise. "I wasn't planning on it, but you know how it is. He loves it and I'll just deal with all the seeking-out feelings that are bound to be floating around there. He says, at the very worst, we'll rent a private villa, but I know he likes to spend time with people there and I would not want to stop that. So, I'll give it a proper go. Mostly. I might escape from time to time."
She shrugs and runs her fingers through her bangs. Scratches at her scalp a moment. "Thue and I had tea. It was actually really nice, and I feel like the more time I spend with Rihannsu, the more I like it. I'm working on my accent, I know it's terrible. Hopefully, it will improve and maybe I can impress Maiell, and probably infuriate him, the next time I see him." She then grins at the camera.
"I think I'll leave off talking about how much it's hard to keep a hold on friends. People are always coming and going in our lives, aren't they? It's too painful to think about really."
"Last but not least. I have a new first officer. I'm extremely excited about that!" She perks up remarkably and beams a wide smile at the camera. "He seems to be a bit stiff so far, but that's really okay. I need someone to remind me of rules and regs occasionally, considering that's what I did for Captain Tyranthor, and now that I run things, I understand why. I like him, though. He's got a sense of humour, it's just buried under formality, which I completely sympathise with. All right, that's all for now."
She reaches forward and shuts the camera -- no:
"I ambushed the Admiral--Dmirtri in his office with a rum-based drink. Note to self: find a stranger rum-based drink to really challenge him." She giggles. "Something about this amuses me. Plus, good company. I haven't really gotten to Tau in a while either, but I don't think he needs it quite as much. I'll think of something!"
Now the camera clicks off.
7 Likes
The screen lights up and Beylara is sitting at her desk again. There's a cup of golden liquid (unsurprisingly) in front of her. She begins speaking almost immediately.
"The Rihannsu had some big battle. The Khre'Riov was injured, so was Thue. I lent her The Cardinal of the Kremlin in exchange for promising to continue to care for her equipment. I hope she likes it. Full of secrets and spy stuff, she'll probably think it's hilarious. I'm just glad she's recovering."
Beylara lifts her cup and puts it back down.
"I'll just jump to it. The nightmares are still there. I got a sleep study and Viamonta put me on light duty and sent me to a counselor. I think Katriel was offended that I tried to not bother her and annoy someone else. Not that I wanted to go to someone else. She's just... you know. Department head."
Beylara rubs her forehead and looks uncomfortable.
"Long story short, we might try some medication, we might talk to a telepathic expert (thank the deities it isn't my mother) and I've been instructed to try things that make me let go of control a little bit. As if that isn't the most terrifying thing I can think of. Emery is delighting in it though--for one, he's just grateful he can help in some way, and another--I think he likes it. So far we've had me ride a bucking bronco, and jump off a galloping horse to tackle a calf and wrestle it to the ground. I've never been so scared in my life. Kattriel would be pleased, a bucking bronco feels like about as much loss of control as the skydiving she joked about."
Beylara shudders. "I'll probably do it again, too. I could never resist when Emery asked me to try something. Which explains Risa coming up. Soonish."
She pauses.
"I'll detail the work stuff in my Captain's log, so I don't repeat myself, but suffice it to say, I'll be relieved when the eggs are... when it's over. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Either way, I'm glad for the experience. I think that's it. End Log."
It blinks out.
"The Rihannsu had some big battle. The Khre'Riov was injured, so was Thue. I lent her The Cardinal of the Kremlin in exchange for promising to continue to care for her equipment. I hope she likes it. Full of secrets and spy stuff, she'll probably think it's hilarious. I'm just glad she's recovering."
Beylara lifts her cup and puts it back down.
"I'll just jump to it. The nightmares are still there. I got a sleep study and Viamonta put me on light duty and sent me to a counselor. I think Katriel was offended that I tried to not bother her and annoy someone else. Not that I wanted to go to someone else. She's just... you know. Department head."
Beylara rubs her forehead and looks uncomfortable.
"Long story short, we might try some medication, we might talk to a telepathic expert (thank the deities it isn't my mother) and I've been instructed to try things that make me let go of control a little bit. As if that isn't the most terrifying thing I can think of. Emery is delighting in it though--for one, he's just grateful he can help in some way, and another--I think he likes it. So far we've had me ride a bucking bronco, and jump off a galloping horse to tackle a calf and wrestle it to the ground. I've never been so scared in my life. Kattriel would be pleased, a bucking bronco feels like about as much loss of control as the skydiving she joked about."
Beylara shudders. "I'll probably do it again, too. I could never resist when Emery asked me to try something. Which explains Risa coming up. Soonish."
She pauses.
"I'll detail the work stuff in my Captain's log, so I don't repeat myself, but suffice it to say, I'll be relieved when the eggs are... when it's over. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Either way, I'm glad for the experience. I think that's it. End Log."
It blinks out.
6 Likes
<Personal Log, Stardate 94594.6: TEXT ONLY>
I just finished an isolated meditation of several hours. It was refreshing. It was well insulated against the thoughts of others, and there was blessed, blessed silence. I never used to long for solitude, but now I'm beginning to understand the Vulcan desire for it.
Of course, Emery hardly counts when it comes to adding a number to the mix. I'm so used to his thoughts by now. But even so, it was nice to be alone in my head. But, I will say, it gave me a lot of time for my own thoughts, without interruption.
There's not as much of the mate-seeking behaviour as I was afraid of. Oh, it's there, all right, I mean, it's Risa. But it isn't the incessant, constant thing I was worried about. I've had more fun socializing with people than I expected, but then again, I have a nice, quiet hut to retreat to anytime I like. It's a comfort, and really, a kind of safety blanket.
Tau and Sara got married--officially. Nice for that to be here. I wouldn't want a beach wedding.
Trellain and Alistair asked Emery to be a godfather to my godmother. That'll be interesting. Probably easier than having kids ourselves, but I think Andorians take the godparent thing really seriously, don't they? I have to look that up.
Tomorrow is the cookout. The marinating meat smell makes me want to gag. But at least I know it's replicated. I really need to learn to cook more, even if I'm not going to eat it. Thank goodness for cookPADDs.
I think that covers it for now. Emery will probably be looking for me. He's been worried.
<END LOG>
I just finished an isolated meditation of several hours. It was refreshing. It was well insulated against the thoughts of others, and there was blessed, blessed silence. I never used to long for solitude, but now I'm beginning to understand the Vulcan desire for it.
Of course, Emery hardly counts when it comes to adding a number to the mix. I'm so used to his thoughts by now. But even so, it was nice to be alone in my head. But, I will say, it gave me a lot of time for my own thoughts, without interruption.
There's not as much of the mate-seeking behaviour as I was afraid of. Oh, it's there, all right, I mean, it's Risa. But it isn't the incessant, constant thing I was worried about. I've had more fun socializing with people than I expected, but then again, I have a nice, quiet hut to retreat to anytime I like. It's a comfort, and really, a kind of safety blanket.
Tau and Sara got married--officially. Nice for that to be here. I wouldn't want a beach wedding.
Trellain and Alistair asked Emery to be a godfather to my godmother. That'll be interesting. Probably easier than having kids ourselves, but I think Andorians take the godparent thing really seriously, don't they? I have to look that up.
Tomorrow is the cookout. The marinating meat smell makes me want to gag. But at least I know it's replicated. I really need to learn to cook more, even if I'm not going to eat it. Thank goodness for cookPADDs.
I think that covers it for now. Emery will probably be looking for me. He's been worried.
<END LOG>
8 Likes
The camera turns on and Beylara is in uniform, sitting at her desk with a steaming mug. She has a thoughtful expression and the background is that of her ready room, not her quarters.
"I haven't put voice to my personal thoughts in a while. It's not that nothing has happened--although not much has happened to me. It's that I haven't had much of a desire to sit and reminisce about what has happened. Alistair and Trellain have had their child, Herra. I've been so busy out exploring with the Ockham, I haven't even met her yet. I feel like I've been a godmother less than a month and I'm already failing at it.
My mother is on the station. She's not here for me. Thank the deities, but that doesn't mean I can avoid seeing her entirely. I can hide quite a bit though. I haven't seen Emery in weeks, but once. His patrols and my missions haven't been compatible of late. I hope it's just a phase and not a sign of the way things are going to be.
The eggs are pretty much finished. I've released the stasis and allowed them to begin growing again, developing. Their progress seems great! I'm excited about it. I plan on having Thue and the others monitor their development to make sure no last minute tweaks are necessary.
Wow. My life is pretty dull sometimes!"
Beylara's voice lightens, and she actually laughs.
"Well, not much I can do except go on the next adventure. Which reminds me. I'd better be sure to have the Ockham in port for the Halloween event, because it would be cruel for me to keep so many people away from the festivities."
She shakes her head and smiles at the camera.
"Computer, end log."
"I haven't put voice to my personal thoughts in a while. It's not that nothing has happened--although not much has happened to me. It's that I haven't had much of a desire to sit and reminisce about what has happened. Alistair and Trellain have had their child, Herra. I've been so busy out exploring with the Ockham, I haven't even met her yet. I feel like I've been a godmother less than a month and I'm already failing at it.
My mother is on the station. She's not here for me. Thank the deities, but that doesn't mean I can avoid seeing her entirely. I can hide quite a bit though. I haven't seen Emery in weeks, but once. His patrols and my missions haven't been compatible of late. I hope it's just a phase and not a sign of the way things are going to be.
The eggs are pretty much finished. I've released the stasis and allowed them to begin growing again, developing. Their progress seems great! I'm excited about it. I plan on having Thue and the others monitor their development to make sure no last minute tweaks are necessary.
Wow. My life is pretty dull sometimes!"
Beylara's voice lightens, and she actually laughs.
"Well, not much I can do except go on the next adventure. Which reminds me. I'd better be sure to have the Ockham in port for the Halloween event, because it would be cruel for me to keep so many people away from the festivities."
She shakes her head and smiles at the camera.
"Computer, end log."
6 Likes
<Personal Log, Stardate 95012.2, TEXT ONLY>
I'm ... back in Starfleet's hands. It feels unreal, like I'm going to get washed and wake up in the cell again. Like I have to 'behave.' But I don't.
I have so much to do. Dmitri doesn't want to contact families--but loved ones. They should know we're back. They're going to need time to adjust, like we do. At a distance.
I'll talk to him as soon as he's back. So much to do.
<END LOG>
I'm ... back in Starfleet's hands. It feels unreal, like I'm going to get washed and wake up in the cell again. Like I have to 'behave.' But I don't.
I have so much to do. Dmitri doesn't want to contact families--but loved ones. They should know we're back. They're going to need time to adjust, like we do. At a distance.
I'll talk to him as soon as he's back. So much to do.
<END LOG>
4 Likes
The recording starts. It's unfamiliar, undecorated quarters. There's a stuffed epohh on the couch next to Beylara. The white cat is curled up at her side, purring audibly.
"I had my eval. I chose not to lie. Not only would Katriel have known, but it would have been disrespectful to our friendship to lie to her. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. To pretend that everything was all right, like I'm doing for everyone else. Sure, I'll let slip one thing here or there, but overall, I'm in control, right?
I think I am. I think everything's going to be okay. It's not, right now, of course. It actually works better, to all my friends and everyone, to show one weakness at a time, to each person. They see a single trouble, and they think, 'Hey, she's got issues, but its not anything she can't handle.' They know I wouldn't be perfectly all right after this. I know that. So I show them a little weakness and they think that's all there is.
But it's not."
Beylara absently begins petting the cat next to her, whose purring only increases in volume as one sleepy yellow eye opens to regard his friend. It's barely open and slow-blinks shut again.
"I think I'm damned. There's no way they'll let me back in command anytime soon. I don't know how Caspius did it. I'm sure it was his Vulcan attitude and exceptional competence. Lucky." She shrugs. "I'll miss him. I didn't know that I would, ever, until this happened. But his stolid presence and competence, his confidence was actually very reassuring. An anchor I could use now as much as ever.
I still have to find gifts for William--I never thought I'd be grateful to him, but he did try and help when I was nervous around Emery--William, Charlotte and James. Alexander seems to like his contraption. Maybe it's ridiculous, fostering a bond built on trauma. I think, however, we all missed the holidays, and we all shared an experience. I don't know if our families and friends will remember that."
Beylara leans forward as if to shut off the recording, then pauses. Miruda opens both eyes and glares at her for disturbing his rest.
"I'm fine. They say to just keep going on until you're better. All things considered, I could be much, much worse. Just have to readjust to reality. That's all."
A smile. Brief. Unfocused. Then the log abruptly ends.
"I had my eval. I chose not to lie. Not only would Katriel have known, but it would have been disrespectful to our friendship to lie to her. I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. To pretend that everything was all right, like I'm doing for everyone else. Sure, I'll let slip one thing here or there, but overall, I'm in control, right?
I think I am. I think everything's going to be okay. It's not, right now, of course. It actually works better, to all my friends and everyone, to show one weakness at a time, to each person. They see a single trouble, and they think, 'Hey, she's got issues, but its not anything she can't handle.' They know I wouldn't be perfectly all right after this. I know that. So I show them a little weakness and they think that's all there is.
But it's not."
Beylara absently begins petting the cat next to her, whose purring only increases in volume as one sleepy yellow eye opens to regard his friend. It's barely open and slow-blinks shut again.
"I think I'm damned. There's no way they'll let me back in command anytime soon. I don't know how Caspius did it. I'm sure it was his Vulcan attitude and exceptional competence. Lucky." She shrugs. "I'll miss him. I didn't know that I would, ever, until this happened. But his stolid presence and competence, his confidence was actually very reassuring. An anchor I could use now as much as ever.
I still have to find gifts for William--I never thought I'd be grateful to him, but he did try and help when I was nervous around Emery--William, Charlotte and James. Alexander seems to like his contraption. Maybe it's ridiculous, fostering a bond built on trauma. I think, however, we all missed the holidays, and we all shared an experience. I don't know if our families and friends will remember that."
Beylara leans forward as if to shut off the recording, then pauses. Miruda opens both eyes and glares at her for disturbing his rest.
"I'm fine. They say to just keep going on until you're better. All things considered, I could be much, much worse. Just have to readjust to reality. That's all."
A smile. Brief. Unfocused. Then the log abruptly ends.
10 Likes
In spartan quarters on K-7, the recording device lights up, getting a good shot of the room still not decorated. There's a set of boxes and bags on a table. One box holds a bridle, a jewelry box that sits open and a cracked amethystine-geode-slice galaxy necklace is placed inside. A copy of The Cardinal of the Kremlin by Tom Clancy sits beside it. A stuffed epohh is tipped over, halfway on top of the book. A small vial with a thick liquid and flowers is nestled in between the epohh's front legs.
Beylara eventually blocks the view by sitting on a chair and leaning forward in front of it. She has her head in her hands and her hair is coming out of the severe bun she's been wearing lately, tangling around her fingers. Sniffles come from between the hands, but she she looks up, her face is clear and there is no sign she's upset.
"I'm making progress. Emery and I are on pretty good terms."
Pause.
"Sort of. I mean, sometimes, I still wake up and worry that he's going to hate me. Sometimes I need him just to go away because I've been around people too long and he has to just give me space. Something I've never needed before."
Beylara sighs and pushes a tangled section of hair out of her face. "Katriel seems to think I'm doing as well as can be expected--fine, really, all things considered, as far as I can tell. She thinks I'm going to recover and everything's going to be okay. And that's great, but ... I look at the duties of a Captain, and all those decisions and I wonder if I ever really want to face that again. I don't find myself eager for the challenge. I miss it, I miss the science and I miss the rush, but now, the thought of all those lives in my hands..."
She looks away from the camera and picks up the cracked necklace. "It terrifies me." Blindly, she shoves her hand at the camera, clearly intending to shut off the recording, but the object doing the recording falls--the view twists wildly and ends up pointing at the ceiling. Then her hand comes into view and the recording stops.
Beylara eventually blocks the view by sitting on a chair and leaning forward in front of it. She has her head in her hands and her hair is coming out of the severe bun she's been wearing lately, tangling around her fingers. Sniffles come from between the hands, but she she looks up, her face is clear and there is no sign she's upset.
"I'm making progress. Emery and I are on pretty good terms."
Pause.
"Sort of. I mean, sometimes, I still wake up and worry that he's going to hate me. Sometimes I need him just to go away because I've been around people too long and he has to just give me space. Something I've never needed before."
Beylara sighs and pushes a tangled section of hair out of her face. "Katriel seems to think I'm doing as well as can be expected--fine, really, all things considered, as far as I can tell. She thinks I'm going to recover and everything's going to be okay. And that's great, but ... I look at the duties of a Captain, and all those decisions and I wonder if I ever really want to face that again. I don't find myself eager for the challenge. I miss it, I miss the science and I miss the rush, but now, the thought of all those lives in my hands..."
She looks away from the camera and picks up the cracked necklace. "It terrifies me." Blindly, she shoves her hand at the camera, clearly intending to shut off the recording, but the object doing the recording falls--the view twists wildly and ends up pointing at the ceiling. Then her hand comes into view and the recording stops.
8 Likes
The woman staring at the camera when it lights up looks far more relaxed than she has for a long time. Her hair is down around her shoulder and the look she gives the camera is calm.
"It's been a while. I've taken the time to think about healing. I've taken the time to think about progress. What I want to do. I don't want my career to end like this, however it goes. So, I'm going to go to Katriel and re-evaluate like she recommended. I'm going to step up into command again. Then, and only then, will we see what turns my career will take." A small smile and chuckle. "Perim beat me to the best idea, so I'll just have to come up with something else."
"Zeus is getting all the exercise he can stand," she laughs more. "I ride a lot these days. Next time Emery sees me a-saddle-back, his eyes are going to pop out at my seat." She grins and pats the tops of her thighs. "My legs are stronger than ever. Too bad that doesn't translate over to anything I do as a starship Captain."
She fiddles with a few things on her desk. A PADD, a stylus, and what appears to be a mostly empty, if not entirely empty, mug. "I'm going to try and limit our excursions -- the Ockham, not mine and Emery's. The station could use the help."
With a shrug, she leaves it at that. "We need to make some changes to Project Teleraptor, in order to protect everyone."
Reaching out a hand, she looks concerned, and shuts off the feed.
"It's been a while. I've taken the time to think about healing. I've taken the time to think about progress. What I want to do. I don't want my career to end like this, however it goes. So, I'm going to go to Katriel and re-evaluate like she recommended. I'm going to step up into command again. Then, and only then, will we see what turns my career will take." A small smile and chuckle. "Perim beat me to the best idea, so I'll just have to come up with something else."
"Zeus is getting all the exercise he can stand," she laughs more. "I ride a lot these days. Next time Emery sees me a-saddle-back, his eyes are going to pop out at my seat." She grins and pats the tops of her thighs. "My legs are stronger than ever. Too bad that doesn't translate over to anything I do as a starship Captain."
She fiddles with a few things on her desk. A PADD, a stylus, and what appears to be a mostly empty, if not entirely empty, mug. "I'm going to try and limit our excursions -- the Ockham, not mine and Emery's. The station could use the help."
With a shrug, she leaves it at that. "We need to make some changes to Project Teleraptor, in order to protect everyone."
Reaching out a hand, she looks concerned, and shuts off the feed.
6 Likes
Spoiler: New and ImprovedShow
The sound of a whinny is the first recorded thing the log records.
Beylara is actually lounging. She's laid back on a pile of hay. It would look comfortable, except there's little bits of it poking into her bared arms and some stuck in her hair. There's a dirt smudge on her cheek, too. Instead of looking worried about the dirt and dust, she has a dreamy smile on her face.
"So, I snuck off to the stables for a while. The hay smells sweet, and the horses are a soothing presence. They're content here, in the barn, snoozing off the heat of the day. I didn't want anyone overhearing what I was going to say. Horses are great listeners, too, and they'll never betray your secrets.
Everything is just about perfect. The position of starbase captain, so far, suits me perfectly. I love the intricacies of the paperwork, the demands of the number of people, the fascinating levels of the projects going on. The wide variety of uses the station gets, even the civilians, something I haven't had much to deal with as a starship Captain before. There's something new, every day."
The Betazoid turns a little onto her side and props her cheek on one hand, resting on her elbow. "Emery is wonderful, too. He's brought me back to Earth with him for his birthday with his family. His mother and father, as always, are absolutely wonderful. His mother is considerate and tends to chase me out of the kitchen, his sister has been really wonderful, she's forgiven me for breaking her brother's heart."
A pause.
"His mother and I talked a little about the Azedi time. She makes me wonder if there's more empathy in humans that I know. She noticed I was having problems adjusting to the daily home life, without work to do. She pulled me aside for one of her legendary talks. I didn't tell her anything that would have been classified, of course. I told her that I did things in captivity I was ashamed of. I told her that I felt the weight of the lives lost, and the weight of the lives still among us--I will always look at Caspius and Kermit, Vangilder and and Jarnefelt, even Levesley, and feel like they're somehow still my responsibility. Like I have to make sure they're okay. To be fair, most of them still are. Caspius is the only one who isn't actually under my command, now."
Beylara sits up and hunches her shoulders, crossing her legs. She picks hay that's sticking out of her jodhpurs out, and flicks it away from her.
"She gives good advice. She told me once, that we have three great loves in our lives, and that there's no shame in it. We do not always get to be with any of them, even, but that we should treasure them for who they are and what they teach us. This time, she told me that I will always feel a connection to those people, but that I was not responsible for their lives outside of what my Starfleet duties require. They are adults, and they are responsible. The weight of lives is a heavy one, and I can't let it overwhelm me, or I will not be able to function when the time comes. She told me that these experiences could break me, or that I could bear the scars and live beyond them, even though sometimes things will happen that poke at them or make them sore. I don't like thinking of myself as scarred, but she's right. I have everything I could possibly want, and still I worry? It is my job to live beyond my scars, even if it pulls at them or pokes, or occasionally hurts."
She sighs and flops back into the hay.
"Damn that woman anyway, for being right. It isn't about just getting better to do your job, it's about getting better to live your life. Emery deserves better. Or I'll take that deities-be-damned bracelet back."
Rubbing her face with one dirty, hay-dusted hand, she smudges herself even further. The Starbase Captain rises and looks at the camera. She smiles, and it's as warm as it has been in the past.
"I'm still not going to decorate my new quarters."
/endlog.
Beylara is actually lounging. She's laid back on a pile of hay. It would look comfortable, except there's little bits of it poking into her bared arms and some stuck in her hair. There's a dirt smudge on her cheek, too. Instead of looking worried about the dirt and dust, she has a dreamy smile on her face.
"So, I snuck off to the stables for a while. The hay smells sweet, and the horses are a soothing presence. They're content here, in the barn, snoozing off the heat of the day. I didn't want anyone overhearing what I was going to say. Horses are great listeners, too, and they'll never betray your secrets.
Everything is just about perfect. The position of starbase captain, so far, suits me perfectly. I love the intricacies of the paperwork, the demands of the number of people, the fascinating levels of the projects going on. The wide variety of uses the station gets, even the civilians, something I haven't had much to deal with as a starship Captain before. There's something new, every day."
The Betazoid turns a little onto her side and props her cheek on one hand, resting on her elbow. "Emery is wonderful, too. He's brought me back to Earth with him for his birthday with his family. His mother and father, as always, are absolutely wonderful. His mother is considerate and tends to chase me out of the kitchen, his sister has been really wonderful, she's forgiven me for breaking her brother's heart."
A pause.
"His mother and I talked a little about the Azedi time. She makes me wonder if there's more empathy in humans that I know. She noticed I was having problems adjusting to the daily home life, without work to do. She pulled me aside for one of her legendary talks. I didn't tell her anything that would have been classified, of course. I told her that I did things in captivity I was ashamed of. I told her that I felt the weight of the lives lost, and the weight of the lives still among us--I will always look at Caspius and Kermit, Vangilder and and Jarnefelt, even Levesley, and feel like they're somehow still my responsibility. Like I have to make sure they're okay. To be fair, most of them still are. Caspius is the only one who isn't actually under my command, now."
Beylara sits up and hunches her shoulders, crossing her legs. She picks hay that's sticking out of her jodhpurs out, and flicks it away from her.
"She gives good advice. She told me once, that we have three great loves in our lives, and that there's no shame in it. We do not always get to be with any of them, even, but that we should treasure them for who they are and what they teach us. This time, she told me that I will always feel a connection to those people, but that I was not responsible for their lives outside of what my Starfleet duties require. They are adults, and they are responsible. The weight of lives is a heavy one, and I can't let it overwhelm me, or I will not be able to function when the time comes. She told me that these experiences could break me, or that I could bear the scars and live beyond them, even though sometimes things will happen that poke at them or make them sore. I don't like thinking of myself as scarred, but she's right. I have everything I could possibly want, and still I worry? It is my job to live beyond my scars, even if it pulls at them or pokes, or occasionally hurts."
She sighs and flops back into the hay.
"Damn that woman anyway, for being right. It isn't about just getting better to do your job, it's about getting better to live your life. Emery deserves better. Or I'll take that deities-be-damned bracelet back."
Rubbing her face with one dirty, hay-dusted hand, she smudges herself even further. The Starbase Captain rises and looks at the camera. She smiles, and it's as warm as it has been in the past.
"I'm still not going to decorate my new quarters."
/endlog.
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There's a sound of vulpine whimpering in the background. No visuals, but the sounds are crisp and clear. The whimpering is answered by a sympathetic purr, that ends in a chirp. A rustle of fabric and the sound of a cup of some kind being set on the table.
"If I were a Borg," Beylara's voice breaks the 'silence.' "I assume I'd want to be liberated. But never having been a Borg, I don't actually know how I'd feel. The liberated Borg I've met seem pleased about their state, and regretful they were ever assimilated. Is it strange, then, that I still regret making such a life-changing decision for someone else, without their consent? Oh, there's policy and consent is implied since they are incapable, theoretically, of making the decision for themselves, but that doesn't change the fact I'm radically altering someone's life while they're incapable of telling me what they want."
A pause, and the sound of the cup setting back down again. "I've already made the decision--we're going to liberate him. I'm not sure how I feel about it, though. But, I guess, in the long run, my feelings don't matter, do they, as long as the job gets done."
A yip and yowl breaks out, followed by a trilling sound that resembles that of a flute. "Whisp is feeling better. That's a relief. I didn't think when Emery moved in I was going to get a urine-spraying foxbird." Sigh.
"End log."
"If I were a Borg," Beylara's voice breaks the 'silence.' "I assume I'd want to be liberated. But never having been a Borg, I don't actually know how I'd feel. The liberated Borg I've met seem pleased about their state, and regretful they were ever assimilated. Is it strange, then, that I still regret making such a life-changing decision for someone else, without their consent? Oh, there's policy and consent is implied since they are incapable, theoretically, of making the decision for themselves, but that doesn't change the fact I'm radically altering someone's life while they're incapable of telling me what they want."
A pause, and the sound of the cup setting back down again. "I've already made the decision--we're going to liberate him. I'm not sure how I feel about it, though. But, I guess, in the long run, my feelings don't matter, do they, as long as the job gets done."
A yip and yowl breaks out, followed by a trilling sound that resembles that of a flute. "Whisp is feeling better. That's a relief. I didn't think when Emery moved in I was going to get a urine-spraying foxbird." Sigh.
"End log."
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