Personal Log: Rizar Visynth

Stardate 94878.9, Acting Chief Engineer’s Log:

I have been advised by my counselor to keep a personal log outside of the regular duty log. He believes documenting my thoughts and emotions will be beneficial to my mental health. I see no harm in it.

It has been a little over two weeks since the battle with the Azedi the Ockham was involved in. Every time I close my eyes, I see Abbott. I see him engulfed in the flames which consumed the last moments of his life. I feel the fire upon me, yet I lived. I stay up at night sometimes, wondering if there was not more I could have done. I am told this is normal. I wonder what happened to my Captain, her body never recovered. I am told this is normal.

After consulting with neurobiologists on Ganube, the Doctor prescribed me anti anxiety medication to use during my shifts, as needed. Before, I had been restricting my emotions to the limits to ensure I could complete my assignments. It was very taxing on my body. Now when I am feeling particularly stressed or have memories of Abbott come to mind, I can take the medication and continue to work. It is not a permanent solution but with the Ockham undergoing rebuilding, it will suffice for now.

I have assumed the role of Acting Chief Engineer on the Ockham. Perhaps permanently, with Abbott’s death. This is not how I had imagined myself attaining such a position. It is not how I wanted to attain such a position. Not with the image of a man I considered a mentor and friend dying each time I close my eyes. I have participated in battles before during my station on the Alexandria but witnessing a death of someone before my eyes is different. It has been a struggle.

The Doctor also suggested I should socialize more as the Ockham is not fully functional and our accommodations are on K7 right now. It is supposed to lift my spirits and help distract my mind. I have not found such distractions. The individuals I have socialized with always inquire about my posting. They get a certain look in their eyes when I mention the Ockham. Captain Ailes was widely liked and admired among the Fleet. Her death has resonated with many. I do not wish to sound selfish.. Yet each time someone asks about the Ockham, I relive a small slice of trauma I endured. Perhaps I should bring this up with the Doctor in my next session.

Captain Quint wished to lend me additional support. As I understand it, he and Captain Ailes were in an exclusive emotional and physical relationship. Her death has impacted him harder than most others. He advised me on not shutting aside my emotions. I do not believe he understood how Ganubian emotion restriction works. But I do not fault him for it. The advice he gave was usable. Perhaps I will follow it, once I have spoken with the Doctor about it.

I believe I have said all I can say, for the moment. I will be sure to make a second log whenever I feel I have more to say. This talking aloud to no one is.. not as calming as talking to another individual.
Stardate 94912.2, Acting Chief Engineer’s Log:

Has it really been almost two weeks since my last log? I suppose it has.

I have been keeping myself occupied in the time. I took a break from the rebuilding of the Ockham to volunteer for the exploration of our recovered Azedi Dreadnought. I found it to be a suitable distraction from my thoughts. Azedi technology is quite interesting. They have systems which bypass or cause mass destruction to Starfleet defenses, all operating on analogue control panels Ganubians left behind hundreds of years ago. Not a single digital display was found on the dreadnought during our mission. Security Officer Klaarna proposed the choice might be intentional and defensive. The Azedi have been known to employ advanced computer viruses as an offensive option. I have to admin, an analogue control scheme for their spacecraft would prevent such intrusions.

I am most interested in the wormhole technology the Azedi employ. The ability to move from one side of the galaxy to another nearly instantaneously has incredible potential. Not just for militaristic applications, but for supply transport and even day to day life. Imagine if I were able to appear on Ganube in an instant. I have not been to my home world since my assignment to the Alexandria four years ago. Perhaps during shore leave next year I shall request a trip home instead of the typical Starfleet destination of Risa. I love the Federation and am doing my best to prove Ganube is a worthy member but sometimes I do miss my home. It is only natural.

For now, there is much work to be done. In addition to repairs on the Ockham, I will likely attempt to remain on the teams working on the dreadnought. It presents a different and unique challenge I wish to tackle. With the unique approach Ganubian engineers had to take to learn from the Rihannsu, I believe I am in a good position to contribute. Hopefully Command agrees.

I spoke with Niya the other day. Talked about my ship and all the things Captain Ailes was willing to accommodate me with. The environmental controls in my quarters, the ultrabright viewscreens, allowing me to program traditional Ganubian food and beverages into the Ockham’s replicators and so on. Captain Quint overheard. He was glad others spoke highly of Captain Ailes but it is clear he is still hurting. It is somewhat difficult for me to understand. The monogamous relationship structures many beings engage in are a bit foreign and inefficient to my eyes. But I understand the loss of someone you have bonded with well enough. I imagine for someone you ‘loved’ it is exponentially more painful. I was not in the position to extend an offer of sharing to Captain Quint. He and I are not socially bonded enough for such things. But I wish him the best none the less.

As a side note, I believe I may have offended Niya. She made an insensitive comment to me. I told her it was insensitive. She apologized and agreed it was insensitive. I confirmed her agreement. I believe the more proper etiquette would have been to accept her apology and not speak on it further. Or perhaps it was the word tense I used in my confirmation. Starfleet common is difficult at times. I will attempt to clarify the next time I see her. She seems to be nice enough and I found discussing the differing social structures of our species to be very interesting.