Personal Log: Thue t'Xereth

>>Recording Start - 92512.2

"Idiot, Thue. You're an idiot."

the video feed opens on the short-haired Romulan, her eyes tinged with green and moisture. in the dark of what are clearly her personal quarters she sits at her desk

"An absolute fool."

delicate and thin fingers wipe the offending tears away from the Commander's face as she returns to a composed state

"You blinked. You should have made her blink first. Forced her to. What was her name? Jekal. Right."

a quiet sigh escapes her green-painted lips. Thue closes her bloodshot eyes, head tilting toward the ceiling as she begins to speak more calmly to the holocam on her desk

"This reassignment was a moment of mercy on the behalf of Command. My initial meetings had gone well, but it's clear by my actions today that I had grown complacent in the Expanse. Surrounded by the love of my Nei'rrh and fueled by the confidence of Nymas in my abilities, I pushed. I did not push myself, but I pushed the limits.

I pushed them until they broke. Now, I'm here.

The commanding officer here is more lax than N'hiara or Nymas, but it fits the atmosphere. Rumor has it that Starfleet in this region is far more friendly to their Romulan counterparts. This alone may explain the attitudes of the JSI officers. They are friendly and inquisitive. In the case of Jekal, far too inquisitive."

she runs varnished green fingernails through her hair as her soft brown eyes open to stare at the ceiling. frustration is etched on her features

"It was as if Nymas had never trained me. As if I have forgotten my command training. Everything he taught me.

She shouldn't have even known. Geneticist, Thue, you leave it at geneticist and let them stew. Instead I allowed her to get under my skin, a sign of true emotional weakness. My hope is that by saying all this aloud perhaps I can push it away. Move past this embarassing moment of instability. Were I back in my old command, she would be disciplined.'s different.

Here, I must learn to adapt to them. I will, and gladly. That, after all, is my duty.

...I'm not sure that this helped."
>>recording start - 92541.6

>audio only<

there is no music in the background. wherever Thue is recording from is silent, save for an occasional 'clicking' sound. it's the sound of metal against metal, faint and away from the recording equipment

Still, I've barely spoken to a great deal of my fellow Romulans. This is understandable; we're all relatively busy. Aside from Jekal, the one chance I've had to encounter other members of this fleet's Joint Squadron Initiative was a name burning ceremony.

Of course.

The command here appears to be extremely spiritualistic. I need to get to know them better, because as an initial assessment, I find it disconcerting. there is a stretch of silence before she speaks again I've never understood the need of our people to hold so closely to the faith of the Elements. In a way it does make sense, having lost ch'Rihan and so many of us losing our families, people are hurt. They hold to what makes them comfortable.

Watching that name burning ceremony, though, seeing the Priestess...

again, she falls quiet. when she speaks again her voice is low and clearly tinged with worry

I simply hope that my absolute void of belief in their spiritual path won't affect my time here under their command. If there's anything my time with those monsters in the Tal'Shiar taught me, it's that such things are unimportant and unnecessary. Unreal. In that regard, Vorkan had the right idea.

the metallic clicking sound stops

Friends are being made. I compromised myself a bit further than I would have liked with Mal and Saya. After the name burning ceremony I needed to remove my mind from the absolute horror of what had just been done. So, I invited the pair to my ship to drink. We all regretted the amount we had the next morning - Mal in particular, I believe.

Absent from Nei'rrh immediately my thoughts turn to my loneliness. Sara is here now and I welcome her friendship. She is my only true friend in this quadrant. Were she not here, I would feel as if I were standing alone. It isn't an unfamiliar sensation. In my time in the 11th's JSI, I grew so used to Vorras and N'Kres and Taev and Nymas' presences that now, I am ... listing.

Part of that listing is pulling me to new possible friends. Acquaintances? People to make me less lonely. Only now, I find myself turning toward Starfleet officers. One in particular I admitted far too much to while drunk. One I'm attracted to.

the clicking resumes in a rhythm, her quiet voice absent of emotion. it may almost be Vulcan-like in its calm, measured tone

It's an odd situation. An odd person. Pull back, don't rush in, I continue to tell myself. I never give forethought to personal relationships of any sort. I need to. I don't want to regret anything, especially if we're speaking about a non-Rihan.

One of them from over there.

a heaving sigh can be heard, followed by a soft and tittering laugh

This is why I never left my lab.

the audio file terminates abruptly
>>Transmission start
//Recipient: tr'Vrakkihal, Vorras i-Mohira
///Alpha Quadrant; Zenas Expanse; 11th Fleet JSI Command; Personal Inbox

>>Audio transcription start - 92547.8

My Nei'rrh,

You have duties to focus on, as do I. With what happened we both need to remain eyes forward. Know that I miss you immensely. Already I've found myself looking at others to fill the void that leaving you behind has formed. I find myself incredibly lonely. The only familiar face now is Desimone and she's a welcome face - you know how close we became as friends.

In retrospect we were very naive to think this wouldn't get back to Command. I should have thought better of being so open, you should have as well. But what's done is now done and we'll have to move on with our new stations and find time for each other down the line, as duty permits.

Is V'Rik well? I miss his inquisitive nature. Speaking to a Subcommander today, Aurelia, she talked briefly of her young daughter and it made my heart ache. Please, tell him I would appreciate a letter if he feels interested in sending one. It would help alleviate the sadness immensely.

This station and region is refreshing, Nei'rrh. The Starfleet officers here work in tandem with the JSI elements. It's everything I had hoped to elicit in the 11th, everything we had all wanted. I won't be overly optimistic. Realistically, there will be tension, but already I can see the way things work and it has an openness to it that makes me feel like a new woman.

I've already made friends. A Vulcan Ambassador, strangely enough! There is a man I've found myself attracted to as well and I've held off on tending to that loneliness because I've never quite been certain how to handle the matter. I don't want to create unrealistic expectations but certain emotional and physical needs will need to be handled. He's physically attractive and kind, if a bit of a ... to use a human term, 'ham'.

All in all though, things are well. I will figure things out.

How is your position treating you? I hope that Senator has been handled. If it helps, I would advise you to keep an eye on his Reman. I'm concerned her influence over Taev may end up causing problems. I am biased, though, as I have a real interest in making sure he has the best chance. He is a good man and a good officer.

Enough of that...

Give my love to N'Kres. Know I miss you. I don't regret what happened.


>>audio transcript end

//transmission sent
//reviewing personal logs prior to stardate 92512.2
///choose entry

[this duty log is not a log per se, more of a journal – the script is handwritten into the system. Thue’s Rihannsu is tight and short, the writing of someone who is practiced and clinical.

all following entries are in this neat script and handwritten, unless otherwise stated]
Spoiler: Entry 001Show
[file inserted]

Genetic sequencing has returned for the unnamed chlorophyll-producing sentient species. Initial viewing suggests this race is possibly descended from algae-based life forms.
The results still require study, but are not currently priority for this department. Study will be set aside for officers not actively working on JSI-priority projects.

The data and sample provided by the Starfleet science officer has proven beneficial. She has proven useful, keeping a relationship open with her on a professional level would be wise.

The crew has adjusted well to our new posting.

My first mission under Commander N’hiara was very successful. It was my first interaction with Subcommanders Tal’Virith and Vorras, as well as a Starfleet officer Romulan I would prefer to call R’lmus. His interest in keeping a human name is distasteful. The mission concluded with the successful capture of a stealth ship of a local race.

The Romulan officers I will be interacting with hold a great deal of interest. In particular, Tal and I immediately collaborated well together on the mission. Additionally, Vorras has proven to be an interesting person.

I mention this as we spent many hours in the lounge of his own T’Varo, learning about one another. There was sincerity in the way he conducted himself, but there is never a reason one should put their guard down entirely. His intelligence background must always be taken into consideration.

He seems to be interested in helping guide me to become more sociable around these aliens. I am not a terribly sociable woman in general. I am being as friendly as possible, to the best of my ability, but the interactions even among our own people have always made me uncomfortable. For the first time in a long time, I was able to relax during our conversation. If even for just a few minutes.

He is also related to Commander N’hiara. This may be important to consider in the future.

There is hope for this command. I feel comfortable here.

Spoiler: Entry 002Show
Mission successful.

We were requested to eliminate the leader of a local group of pirates.

We did so easily. It took creative tactics, but we did as requested with little danger to ourselves. I have pride in the unconventional tactics that help keep my assistance in missions of this nature necessary. I am concerned that Tal may be slightly ... wrong in the head, though.

Thoughts on officers in this command so far -

Extremely intelligent and competent. She is a breath of fresh air after previous commands and the Empire. There are no concerns.

Vorras: Intelligence officer. Highly charismatic and good with his words. As written previously, related to Commander N'hiara. He is the only member of this command I have spent more than missions with. We have spent time together off-duty. Again, as listed previously, we seem to have formed some degree of rapport.

Kai: An officer I had not met before. Subcommander. Imprisoned for two years for losing his ship while on a mission. Personally brought back into command by Wing Commander Maiek - this may be worth remembering, as this may mean he has a more delicate or important set of skills.

Tal'Virith: I have previously stated that we work together well. This is true, though his methods are strange, nonsensical, and unsound enough that I have growing concerns for the complete scope of his mental faculties. I will have to remember to bring this up to Commander N'hiara.

R'lmus a.k.a. "Nimitz": Starfleet officer and Romulan. Uses a human name. Extremely competent, but must proceed approaching him with caution due to his loyalties.

I have been observing interaction between aliens on starbase for nearly an hour now. It may have been a mistake. Remaining here in uniform I am not being precisely subtle, but I feel this experiment is necessary. Vorras has given me some confidence in my abilities to speak, but I feel I am only marginally good at speaking to our own people. Outsiders, I struggle with.

There is a balance between civility and friendliness that must be walked. I do not trust aliens, but I mustn't let them know that. That is the difficult piece.

Commander N'hiara is speaking to a human. He is older, and short.

I have been observing her methods of conversing with the Starfleet officers. She is talented in such things, as Vorras is. I believe Kai may be as well.

Perhaps speak to Kai and see if he is interested in offering advice, as Vorras was. DO NOT ASK DIRECTLY, THUE. He may interpret this as a weakness.

I have spoken with the Commander. She stated she also has concerns, and will continue to watch him. It is my hope he is not mad. The line between mad and eccentric can be very thing. I would hate to see it.

Speak with Kai soon, if possible.

Spoiler: Entry 003Show
Those Breen never knew what hit them. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant strategy.

I finally got to meet the elusive Mhai. She's an interesting woman.

On our initial meeting we began speaking of the species of the expanse. She quickly began to share all information she had relating to Species Golf, known as the Jaherans. They are creatures that seem to be the top predator in this area of space. This may be inaccurate, but it helps to consider them as a predator based on the information given.

They have technological skills that far exceed our own. Information is vague based on the video and documentation Mhai has compiled, but they are effective energy shields. She stated to me that most alien races are quickly killed by use of their technology, but the Jaherans seem unaffected by the 'downsides' to their own devices.

This would be immensely useful. I have sent a request to the Starfleet COs of all three departments, as well as their Commodore. This request is one to gain access to the cadavers Mhai was able to tell me they have stored somewhere nearby.

Can only hope it works. If not, we'll get creative.

I have just spoken to Kai. He has indicated he is willing to assist Aensai in retrieving several Carathian prisoners for testing and documenting. Survivors from a recent attack, if I understand it correctly. I will allow his lead. He does have the larger ship - all I care about is ensuring I get a live male and female.

[file inserted]

Very successful.

It is not precisely what I had hoped for, but their Commodore acquiesced to my request without any protest. He seemed eager in fact.

A young betazoid man is the one who performed the autopsy initially. He was also very helpful and eager. Thomas Orrin. He led me through the body as well as the interesting parts of his autopsy, as well as providing me with all information of scans and samples they had taken from the body.

I have my own samples, as well. The lab techs are working them as I write this. My hope is that we can determine what may be inherent in their own bodies that is allowing them protection against their technology.

The military and eugenics applications for many of their more unique and engineered abilities are staggering. I wish to capture one, alive or dead. I want my own experiment. Controlled. Non-Starfleet led.

While they work, I am going to celebrate!


I drank far too much last night. Vorras invited me over to his ship and we spoke early into the morning. I feel comfortable around him socially. Maybe a little too comfortable. My behavior last night was embarrassing. I ended up so drunk from our revelry that he allowed me to use his bed and he slept elsewhere on the ship.

It would have been easy enough for him to do any number of things in making me sober or removing me from the ship. I had mentioned wanting to make my XO have to guess as to what occurred - because she can't ask me directly - and his idea was for me to spend the night.

For a practical joke?

I am glad things are so lax here. I will not go into it. However, I am glad it was only him who saw me inebriated.

Imagine if the Commanders had seen...? Best not to consider.

Spoiler: Entry 004Show
My team recently finished the analysis of key areas of the Carathian Hunter-Killer. I am very pleased with them (as well as myself).

Several of the notations contained within may be of use to us when dealing with Carathians in general and not just the Fifth Fleet. Their computer system's flaw is so large that I am surprised they haven't considered changing it. It is a testament to Carathian ego I suppose. Hopefully, this information will be as useful as I have hoped.

>>attached file: Hunter_Killer_Analysis<<

Centurion Lais has been amusing. Since the night I spent on the Nhyren, I have given her only enough information for her to begin making assumptions. She asks nothing directly, of course. She would not dare. I hear her speaking in low tones to other Centurions who she thinks may know something. Lais is more terrible at being subtle than I am at speaking to aliens. That brings me a certain joy.

I will continue to milk this for all the enjoyment I can.

The Jaheran autopsy went well, as I recorded previously. The next step is nearly set into place: Captain Wright has given his permission to allow me to view and scan the Jaheran's possessions.

There are strictures in place as is to be expected. Handheld sensors of our own make only, constant Starfleet supervision, no removing samples from the station. He says these items are for my own "protection". When aliens attempt to say such things, it is always untrue. He is likely concerned that I will do something to abscond with his devices.

I would definitely like to have the chance to use the Aensai's full facilities, but I will play their game. Steps must be civil and small. If I am kind enough and quiet enough, their attitudes may soon change.

Spoiler: Entry 005Show
>>attached file: Jaheran_Equipment

I am deeply pleased by how well things have gone. Commander VonGrippen has allowed me access to his lab. This is the lab that Captain Wright had granted me access to, and it holds a wealth of information that I hadn't considered it could hold. Not only the Jaheran artifacts, but also artifacts and samples from many other alien societies including the 'Necrosi'.

I will have full access to these materials as long as I wish. So long as I abide by Starfleet supervision, the permission stands. Heavens, they don't know what they've done. I hope, at least, they don't. They've given us a distinct advantage.

I will have to work on Professor VonGrippen. He is interesting for a human. He strikes me as someone with lesser moral compunctions.

This is good.

Results were well-received. Tonight, I allowed myself a new dress in celebration. My first since returning to the Republic. It was shorter than was comfortable, but it was also well-received, so I pushed past the embarrassment.

R'lmus introduced Vorras and I to a 'Long Island Iced Tea'. It was slightly too sweet, so after we concluded at the Embassy level, we returned to the Nhyren to talk about matters of duty and work on a less-sweet formula. His bartender is amazing. It was successful in one try and we enjoyed it, once again getting more inebriated than would be advisable.

I displaced him from his room another night and will have the chance to meet his wife over sub-space soon. I am very glad for this. Genuinely, I like Vorras. This may be a mistake but there are many people here who have made me feel alive for the first time in years. He is primary among them. It is invigorating to have such an interest taken in your personal matters, even if there is little chance of enjoying certain aspects of that.

She is a lovely woman.

Subject 1: Necrosi (deceased) >>attached file: Necrosi_scan_1-4

Subject 2: Insect, unidentified parasite >>attached file: Insect_scan_1and2

We are now returning from a mission to thoroughly examine a Necrosi ship.

It was an educational experience. It has resulted in us discovering a new species of insect previously unknown to us. Some sort of parasitic creature, similar to a centipede. It seems to have killed the Necrosi aboard many year ago and did attempt to harm us.

No harm came to any of us, save for Tal's Horta. Unfortunately he had to turn to Starfleet for assistance, as I am unable assist, as is the new doctor.

His name is S'laen. We worked well together in our first outing. Amazingly well. I think I will treat him to a drink upon return.

S'laen is currently in the Aensai's medbay, under quarantine. It appears he contracted a bacterial infection from the dead Necrosi aboard the ship. Despite all precautions the bacteria managed to slip past the biofilters.

We did not realize this, of course, until he was very sick. In socializing at the bar, we were given treats by a human that neither of us realized were chocolate. Not until it was far too late. Having eaten far more than me, he was in a state that the Commander had to utilize a hypo to detox him.

Moments later he vomited on my shirt. Despite my state, I knew enough to listen to him when he said he was not simply drunk.

His pride caused a refusal to return to his own ship. We instead returned to the Aensai. He is now under quarantine and a heavy treatment schedule of antibiotics.

He will survive, but I do not know what his state will be when this concludes.

I tested positive for the same bacterial strain (likely due to the vomit) but as the infection was much younger I should be able to remove it without incident. It appears to have an incubation period before causing major medical problems. I am well within the window that poor S'laen passed.

Spoiler: Entry 006Show
The Breen have become a factor in things.

This has been something I have heard in passing. I haven't come into contact with the Breen myself, but I know well enough about them. I'm not sure exactly what to make of the situation.

I was not present for what occurred. Aensai was in-system, but Vorras and I were otherwise occupied aboard the Nhyren. Under cloak, though, our ships did observe the exchange as best we were able.

I am unsure what to make of things. In the general sense. Fvaae. Not bad. It's very promising. Everything, right now, feels promising.

Can I utilize things to my advantage becomes the real question.

weaponize and breed stronger bacterium?

Stardate 92931.03 -

S’Laen i’Fethraie Galgamma, MD, FRRCS released from quarantine aboard R.R.W. Aensai for bacterial infection. No signs remaining of illness. Dr. S'Laen is cleared for duty.

I fear Starfleet's current preoccupation with the Breen will interfere with my study of Jaheran artifacts. This is only one of the reasons for Vorras' proposal to the Commander. A live Jaheran to study?

There are many things I would give to make that a reality. He is confident we can make it a reality. In anticipation of the Commander's approval (of which Vorras seems to be certain he will have) I've begun to devise the best method of imprisonment for one such creature. Their sheer size makes finding space aboard the Aensai difficult, but if we remove two of the quarantine bays we should be able to create a size large enough for containment.

I've set my security teams to devising a strategy that is suitable. We may not even take one alive!

I can't wait for even the possibility, though. Exhilarating!

Ask more about what happened with the Breen.

Spoiler: Entry 007Show
in a flowing and elegant Rihannsu, something near caligraphy


After a long conversation with Vorras, I have submitted a request to Starfleet to gain access to a small Lekaari vessel. It's my hope we can use this as bait to lure out the Breen. I've heard recently that other races are also preying on the raider people. I'm still waiting on a response, but I imagine it will be positive.

These Lekaari are fascinating. I've spent many hours watching them now, observing their behavior.

They are an inherently violent species, clan-based and primal. They seem that they would be easy to manipulate. Easily incited to violence.

I was complimented by a baerhie on my social skills. His name is Tosan, an Andorian. I was as surprised as might be imagined and I like to believe that my "teacher" has prepared me for this.

He said I was charming. Charming! A baerhie found me charming. He told me that compared to my other Romulan compatriots, 'no offense intended', that I was more pleasant to speak to then the others.He's different. Very focused and very passionate. I find him intriguing.

- Speak to Vorras about this! Elements this is something I must really consider for future interactions.

My request was declined. Hnaev. They say they don't have a vessel and that I would need to deal with a Lekaari directly. We'll see if it's worth it.

- Thue

Spoiler: Entry 008Show
I had not actually expected that we would be allowed to go to Risa.

Vorras and I had created a plan to allow work through our officers while on Risa, the details of which I have not notated and I will not do so here. I had thought that we would be expected to stay aboard our ships, seems that with Commander N'hiara attending the conferences, we were able to be extended this option as well.

Naturally, we're working.

It's been effective. Vorras has been handling most of the incoming data, which he is far better at than I.

To relaxation, though.

It's really very strange. I came to the realization while relaxing on the beach near our bungalow that I haven't had this feeling since I was a small girl. The Federation's general sense of safety and optimism can be welcome backdrop, I've come to determine. It opens them to us, but it also allows us a degree of respite we haven't really been offered before.

So, what do I do on this 'leave' beside collect data?

Vorras and I have become closer. I welcome what our friendship has become, and seek out new aspects daily. Time aboard ships allows for only so much interaction, but here, things are different. I have seen less of Llaiir and Taleya than I would like, but the solitude our bungalow affords me has enriched me. Allowed me to think.

I've been sequencing the genome of all the species of flower growing in the caldera. This was Vorras' suggestion, and my nei'rrh was correct. It's fascinating. I will attach results when they are completed.

In addition, I have purchased a pet. She is one of the local fauna here, a white, cat-like creature. She is pregnant, and her litter will be the first of a series test animals. I will grow more in my lab from their reproductive cells. Their structure is very friendly to manipulation, which should allow me to synthesize more accurate tests without larger test subjects. Sentience isn't an issue, but space is on Aensai.

Long conversations were had concerning N'Kres beside a bonfire on the beach. I'm not certain I'll ever experience this degree of stability again in my life.

It's been very productive.

>>photo inserted
Spoiler: Entry 009Show
Contact with home has been lost.

Mol’Rihan is cut off.

The part that surprises me is that I feel very little from it. Analytically, it makes sense, doesn’t it … I’ve nothing left for family. Our people will survive regardless. We’ve already suffered the greatest possible defeat and recovered. We can do anything.

What little I feel is for Vorras. I have spoken to N’Kres and know of his young sons. His concern for them is my primary concern on an emotional level. I can only reassure him and soothe his concerns. It is the best I can do.

Mol’Rihan is not lost. N’Kres and their children are safe.

Our covert offensive against the Breen has been extremely successful as far as such things go. Aensai and Nhyren work together well. No specific information obtained but we’ve been successful at taking individual vessels down and plotting courses for future intelligence.

Information has been retrieved in a separate instance about Breen physiology. I have disseminated this among my people for study

As an additional note, consider Llaiir for promotion. She proved to me a more sensible officer when placed in the chair than our current XO.

Virulence has increased three-fold!

The Elachi are present in this sector.

This is upsetting but also an opportunity. I can’t allow my past to blind me to this chance.

We attacked an Elachi compound based on Vorras’ intelligence, under he and Commander N’hiara’s lead. The facility was one of research. Their particular form of bio-weapon.

Large amounts of data have been collected from this mission and shared with Starfleet. We found one Romulan survivor of their experiments as well as captured one Elachi.

Their dispersal system for planet-wide destruction is clever. Theoretically, if used properly, it will wipe all living creatures off the face of a planet and leave buildings untouched.

This was the focus of my documentation. It’s deeply sad and offensive that they’ve continued their work on our people with our people, but not a surprise. There is a reason I left. They make it easy for me to remember why.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have suggested using their weapon to cleanse the area before our explosion decimated their data. It’s pragmatism to use what is most effective and available to us.

N’hiara’s call was the proper call in retrospect. That’s why she’s in charge.

L’andri has turned down my offer to operate on the Elachi for removal of the killswitch.

It’s not the first time I’ve been called a monster by people who don’t understand my work. Risk of the job.

Taleya will now handle it. In addition, she’s going to assist me in full documentation of the Elachi’s interior.

Starfleet’s Elachi is also open to us to assist them with study and examination. It will allow us quite a lot of variation of control environments.

A real blessing.

- Thue
Spoiler: Entry 010Show
>Personal Log Entry<


this unusual log entry for Thue includes video - the woman appears to be sitting in what few would know as Vorras' quarters. the sheets on the bed behind her are a mess. though she appears to be attempting to appeared dignified, her eyes are bloodshot with a hint of emerald. green paint is marked under her bangs, the dark greens of her soft shirt making clear she considers herself to be in mourning

When I accompanied the others on this mission, I had only a vague idea of what this would result in. Ne'irrh's ship has taken heavy damage, and I have seen some wondrous things. The engineering the scientists there were up to is...staggering. Looking at these things made me feel as if I've been wasting my time, in a way. Not that I am regretting my line of work, but that I'm doing things that perhaps are unappreciated. My skills might be used in...that regard elsewhere.

she winces

I feel like I've been slapped by my past in the most painful way possible. I had thought him dead, but to hear he lived and suffered so long after giving me such freedom has left me in a confusing moral place. Is it wrong for me to feel so guilty?

Nei'rrh and I had talked. He held me those weeks, entertained my ideas of finding him alive. Of fixing him. Of removing the genetic damage I helped cause, removing the guilt of the things the Tal'Shiar made him do, if it was there.

her bright brown eyes go downcast. tight, pursed lips tremble as she fights back emotion

I feared having to end him. Whichever him this was. They did the job for me before we arrived, he - it? - had already been debriefed into uselessness.

He deserves someone to mourn him.


>choose entry: ___

>>to continue to next ten entries, press ENTER
1 Like
//reviewing personal logs prior to stardate 92512.2
///choose entry

Spoiler: Entry 011Show
I am well enough to write.

Aensai sustained major losses in our attack on the Keep. I am proud of Llaiir, she proved herself. It is an embarrassment, though, to be found in a scenario where you are physically incapable of leading your ship to victory. It was a series of circumstances that are defined by war. There are often thing that could be done to have affected a different outcome. We came out of cloak too early, we exposed our wing too readily to make the attack.

Focusing on those things are hardly worth it.

I am alive. Lhaes is alive, though I am still attempting to figure out if that's beneficial or not at this stage.

Per Llaiir's report;

<transferred from SUB: Damage report>

  • Port Warp Wing is completely severed and lost
  • As a result, we are only able to go to warp 3.75
  • Five hull breaches on deck 3-5, sections A, B, D, and F
  • 83% of our weapons systems are completely inoperable
  • we also have 28 members of the crew listed as casualties, along with Subcommander Thue and Centurion Lhaes both in critical condition.
  • Our shields are only able to go to 21%

This is Aensai's first major loss. In a way, it's my first major loss in command.

I am still awaiting the analysis of the amount of equipment lost. I may be well enough tomorrow to inspect it myself. I fear what I'm going to find. Perhaps we can supplement what we lost, if we lost equipment, with re-appropriated equipment from the Tal'Shiar facility we have been reviewing for attack.

It's good to know that many of those things paid for what happened to us with their lives. Once I am in a more clear mindset I will have to review these things further.

Pending additions -
Spoiler: Entry 012Show
Bhaie is a good ship. The medical bay space is not the same make of ship as Aensai's, but the fact that a ship was given to me is enough.
In the role of ship commander, Llaiir is doing spectacularly. I have begun to step in more but have needed to less.

The burns are slowly healing. It was decided due to the majority of my injuries this should be the method taken. Scars will remain short-term, but with the amount of skin injured this avoids too much shock to the system.

Certainly my low body weight doesn't help in these scenarios.

We are going to intercept Sokar for treason.

I could not be more excited. The woman is a monster. The things I was made to do under her command shame me. I will enjoy knowing she is in out command. Though I am still not cleared for strenuous physical activity this will be my first time back in the seat since losing Aensai.

She will pay.

>>report inserted

Bhaie took major casualties. Mistakes were made. I have concerns about the ability of some of our commanders to handle themselves in crisis scenarios and have voiced this displeasure to the Wing Commander.

We do have Sokar. I will enjoy this.

Sokar survived the interrogation.

The irony that she has suffered by the skills honed under her command is sweet. She was able to hold out on more than was hoped, but we now have a target.

In perhaps a month we'll try again.

>>file inserted

>>report inserted

Operation Patient Thunder utilized Starfleet assets in conjunction with our own. Commander Nymas stated it necessary and he was not wrong, our ships and forces are depleted.

The site located in PZ-4512 has been destroyed. It wasn't until I returned to the ship it was pointed out that Lhaes was in facility and died, in technicality, by my hand. I would prefer to keep it a technicality but it seems I am to share the honor with Captain Desimone.

There are worse people to share this with.

Further elaboration is needed and will follow in subsequent days.

- Thue
Spoiler: Entry 013Show
>Personal Log Entry<

the tightly compact, handwritten text is lined neatly down the screen

There's a great deal I'm uncertain of these days.

It's taken a lot to even put this all down on the PADD but I feel it must be the proper way to do it, because if I don't work this through I'm not certain how to speak to Nei'rrh about it.

I've been offered a position I can't refuse. Technically I could, but if I'm needed to fulfill that role, denying the Commander would be one of the most selfish things I could do. If Senator Letant thinks it's best, if the Commander things it's best, then this is a scenario where I'm not going to tell them no.

When I rejoined the Navy and earned my command, I never thought it would amount to much beyond what it was. My command was small, my skills specialized. I was rather happy for things to remain as they were. Now things have changed. It's not for the worse, no. Hardly. There's little question that I've stepped up to what I've observed as a vacuum and filled it best I could.

The irony is that I owe Nei'rrh for this turn of events. When I arrived, interacting with aliens sent me spiraling into shyness and stuttering. He helped me gain confidence in my abilities, trained me and taught me his methods. So, then, as I find myself faced with a scenario where I may have to set this relationship aside to advance, all I can see is that he is a driving reason behind my gaining momentum.

Perhaps the situation can be salvaged - the Commander seemed receptive. I'm keeping my mind open but I've yet to think of something. I don't wish to speak to him without an idea of how to fix it, but how do I please everyone at once?

It may be an impossibility but this opportunity won't slip by me, regardless of the price.

Nymas and I have developed a rapport. This was unexpected. Not unwelcome but not what I thought would occur. I also learned, due to Alesu's arrival, he too served aboard the D'gann.

Sometimes it does seem a small galaxy. Alesu has shown up in this command and showed interest in serving aboard my ship! I had never considered I may see her again, one of the only people I may have considered a friend, but here she is. She also appears to have a history with Nymas, though she wouldn't elaborate as to what. As I just found them yelling at one another and Nymas emerged with a bloodied nose, it's contentious to say the least.

It appears tomorrow we're gathering officers and powerboarding. The confidence he showed in Alesu shows they really -must- know one another. We'll have to see how this proceeds.

Tomorrow, Nei'rrh and I will speak. Maybe he has an idea. This is, at this point, not something to discuss without him.


Spoiler: Entry 014Show
>Personal Log Entry<

a confused-looking Thue is staring at the holocamera as it activates. she is pale, her lips drawn tight before she opens her mouth to speak

What have I done?

I know w-why I did it. the Romulan woman stammers as she speaks and seems to become more angry as she does, covering her mouth in irritation

What happened to Alesu is ... it echoes what happened to T'aev. She's suffered more than people should, at the hands of people like me. She's hurt, she's damaged...I don't know how she managed to be released to duty without this being noticed, but she did. She was.

Thue presses two fingers to the spot where her ridges meet, closing her eyes

So when she got into an encounter with Nymas that saw her demoted to Sub-lieutenant and put aboard my brig before she could properly even meet with her new crew, I was given three weeks to 'rehabilitate' her.

We spoke today. That's how I realized precisely how damaged she is. She's unstable, confused, hopelessly angry. Only at Nymas - because of Nymas. She seemed to understand. She wanted to see Nymas, to apologize. I shouldn't have commed him, but- it seemed like the right thing to do.

He's...just as emotionally compromised here as she is. I can't tell him that, but he is. His complaints and problems are ones that make sense, but the severity of the reaction, the visceral pain in his voice as he screams. It sounds more to me that he is deeply wounded by her presence.

Thue lets out a soft whine and closes her eyes

If I could tell him, perhaps this would be easier. There was screaming and anger, and we nearly executed Alesu. He handed me the pistol, I refused. Because, I stated, I knew I could fix her.

...can I? I'm confident. I had to leave her with two guards giving her a good beating. I have one week. On my career and my life. To make her better.

she slides her hands over her face, saying into it in a muffled garble By the Elements, I wish Nei'rrh were here. I miss him terribly. I could really use his advice right n-

Nymas' voice pipes up over her wristcomp, causing the woman to start. "Thue, Nymas, when you're available I need you to schedule an appointment."

she moves to turn the holocamera off manually as she replies

"Absolutely, Nymas. I can be available a-"

...feed end
Spoiler: Entry 015Show
Things turned out far less severe than I anticipated.

Alesu responded well enough to my initial talks to pass what Nymas deemed a psychological evaluation of sorts. I expected it to be issues by him or his medical officer. Instead, he brought the new Centurion, Sahraen.

Alesu passed and was reinstated at Lieutenant.

It is my distinct hope that she truly understands the severity of the situation. I am still not precisely sure why I did what I did. Perhaps it was ego. I don’t know I often act on matters based on my ego. It wouldn’t be unwelcome if that were the reasoning.

What truly concerns me in this matter is Sahraen. The Centurion is taken with Nymas. That is not the reason for concern, but what it does mean is that she is like likely to do whatever she deems necessary to please him.

That is what concerns me.

The other officers of note in this region seem content to do their duty and keep their heads low. This posting is simply a step in their plan and they don’t wish to cause waves. I was like this, as well, until the young Commander added a new sense of purpose to my career path. Now I have concern Sahraen has that fire burning far more brightly within her. She is younger, she is less damaged and she may be willing to do what is necessary to please him personally, not simply please her commanding officers.

This is all speculation. It’s a way I have often told myself I would not think. She’s a Centurion who is likely on her way to a fast promotion, but even if that were to occur there is a period of time before she would pose a threat to my new position.

I feel surprisingly territorial about my crescents now and I find my reaction mildly distressing.

At the least, I will need to take time to learn her habits and personality.

Vorras returned from the Lekaari homeworld.

Reflecting, I’m glad he was not present during the dispute involving Nymas and Alesu. At the time I remember mentioning in my log that I wanted his advice. This was the sort of thinking I need to carefully monitor, because as much as I love my Nei’rrh, he is not the most rational man. Specifically, not when Nymas is involved.

The Lekaari people in the Republic are just as nasty as I remember the refugees being. We spoke at length about the military system and his efforts to mold the soldiers into something that can be useful to the region, not only in the office.

He’s very passionate about his work. The more he is kept off the diplomatically-aligned edge of this fleet’s work, the better.

Here, though, he was at his best.

We made the most of the four hours he could afford me. I can’t fault the others for not seeing what I see. He can be an absolute pain to handle in certain circumstances. They don’t see the Vorras I do, the private, hidden man. The doting and caring father, the admirable and loving husband, the passionate and attentive lover. Our relationship is strange and foreign to me, in ways.

He and N’Kres have given me a stability that has helped me in focusing down my career. That I believe wholeheartedly. Now, though, we must be more discrete. I know he wanted to eventually let Lani know for the sake of honesty but with my promotion that would be disastrous for us all.

Patience is one thing I have plenty of.

There are many nights I consider what my life has become and am unsure as to how to describe it. This is not the sort of success I could have dreamed of. Is it really success? That is the question I should ask myself, rather than getting lost in the idea.

We are leaving shortly for a mission Nei’rrh is leading into another Tal’Shiar facility. An attempt to regain ships, to turn Reman soldiers to our cause and – if plans continue on as expected and intelligence has been accurate – help rebuild my laboratory aboard the new Aensai.

We will succeed.

Spoiler: Entry 016Show
I'm not certain how to handle what's happened.

I've been set to brief the Light Warbird contingent regarding our movements coming up shortly. I keep trying to come up with the proper terms, but I'm concerned about Vorras and N'Kres.

I keep trying to make myself unconcerned. I need to focus. I can focus. I know I can.

It hurts though, sometimes, when I consider N'Kres crying on my shoulder. Such a strong woman trembling against me like that, it hurts me to see. Or I remember the look of pain in Vorras' eyes when I speak to him. There's a great deal of anger there. I've kept my distance and helped his XO prepare for the upcoming fight. The man has been preoccupied. I know he's planning, scheming, focusing on what he intends to do to those who took R'Roholr from him.

He isn't my child, but their pain makes me determined to get him back. R'Roholr is strong for his age. We all must have trust he'll be returned to his parents, even if it takes us killing ever last one of them.

The Tal'Shiar will regret hurting us. All of us.


I tried to spend time with Nymas, his woman, and Sahraen tonight. To relax. To pull my thoughts together.

It didn't work. I found myself a cushion for Sahraen. I think she may have developed a fondness for me. She fell asleep on my shoulder.

Nymas helped to remove her from his quarters and I returned here.

...this briefing will be done in a timely matter, I swear it.

Spoiler: Entry 017Show
color=#ddd123]Thue’s face comes into view as the little-used holocamera activates. the Romulan’s complexion is ashen and her eyes swollen, cheeks and eyelids tinged green with puffiness. a large, tender patch of scarring trails down the right side of her neck onto her shoulder and off the tight locked frame of the camera, looking as if it isn’t now, it was an extremely painful wound. the look behind her gaze is mildly absent as she looks just past the camera.

when Thue speaks, though, there is a firm sound to her hoarse voice. resolve rumbles behind her words – the confidence doesn’t sound forced, despite the obvious exhaustion

R’Roholr was a wonderful child.

He was brave and inquisitive. The others don’t understand the close nature of my relationship with Nei’rrh’s family. They…assume, I’m sure, that I’m upset because it hurt him.

she moves to shake her head, though she stops almost immediately at an obvious pain in her neck

I remember when I first really got to know him. Vorras had asked me to come over to their family’s shared quarters to assist him with a project for his schoolwork. It was something I cannot remember now, something related to scientific theory. He was so bright and so inquisitive.

Thue’s eyes brim with moisture though she doesn’t make any noise to indicate her grief. a loose tear slides down her swollen cheek as she pulls in a breath. her voice remains firm, though quiet and pained

It’s not that he’s Vorras and N’Kres’ child, not…even that I had the chance to really get to know him. It’s-

her composure seems to break a little and she closes her eyes tightly as she reins herself back in, shuddering. the look on her face is one of intense concentration before she speaks again

The children of his generation are the ones who are supposed to see less pain. We’re doing what we’re doing so they will have the chance at a future that is- ah, she sucks in a pained breath as she composes herself further more prosperous, less strife-driven.

That brighter future that we’ve been searching for is theirs.

R’Roholr will never see that future now. That’s what hurts so badly. her hands, shaking, move to wipe at her wet eyes as she remains quite composed

What happened has rolled over in my head over and over again in private since waking up from the first surgery. What mistake did I make? I…didn’t make one. Who did? Sahraen? she grimaces No. No, Sahraen and her people…didn’t make a mistake. Nymas seems keen to assess some blame for his death, for the mission’s stealth protocol being breached, but – it WASN’T.

Everyone involved did everything properly, as ordered, and a child still died.

Allowing that to hurt me doesn’t make me weak.

she folds her hands under her chin, looking down at the camera in a pining manner. after passing seconds of silent consideration, her look turns cold

I’m not going to let Nymas continue to write me off as useless and I’m not going to let the Tal’Shiar get away with this. He has not allowed himself to see me as a leader and this has only likely made him see me as useless. Maybe incompetent. she swallows heavily, her nostrils flaring with the next deep breath. one more loose tear tracks down her pale cheek

He’s wrong. They’re wrong. I’ll show them both.
Spoiler: Entry 018Show
>>stored on an encrypted PADD in the quarters aboard the U.S.S. Dauntless, occupied by Thue. PADD now lost.<<
Spoiler: Contents:Show
My dearest Nei’rrh,

I suppose I’m writing this not so much as something to reach you – moreover, I’m certain once we’ve finished playing this anomalous creature ‘Q’s game, or I’ve perished (whichever comes first) this will vanish into some dimension, never to be read again by a living soul.

Still, writing this to you helps me. Immensely.

I feel I’m helpless. It’s a distressing sensation and one I thought I had left behind when I fled the D’gann, after all the terrible ‘debriefings’ and reconditioning sessions. I had resolved certainly, I would master myself again, that I would have some degree of control over my future within the Republic.

I have managed that successfully enough until now. We are grappling to control what we can. We don’t belong here on the Dauntless. As well as we can reason this is an alternate timeline and possibly plane of existence. Though I’m not as familiar as our Commander with the ‘Outback’, as it was known, I am well enough aware of the history of the region to know this is all wrong.

Relatively few of our people were abducted. Nymas, Sahraen, Taev, Ael and I. Blessedly few.

That said, we have found ourselves commanding the remnants of an Imperial ship the Dauntless had rescued the survivors of. They’re throwbacks and nearly intolerable, but Nymas has whipped them into a useful enough state. In my role aboard this ship, I’ve found my being executive officer of the JSI morphing into a strange hybrid of a Romulan morale officer, taskmaster, and co-Chief Medical Officer.

Teambuilding and morale exercises and activities were a necessity in our first few days of capture. We did not know what was occurring, if this was indeed our timeline, or how to conduct ourselves. As Starfleet bickered and snapped at one another I took to task to pull together the Romulan Starfleet officers, our few JSI, and Imperials. Trips to the holodeck and workout sessions have helped build a more firm rapport. Something that will keep us from stabbing one another in the back (I’m always watching those damned Imperials regardless).

There is only so much room on such a ship for command officers to do their duties. I’ve remained at Nymas’ ear to relay all necessary information and pulled our people together at all times as necessary. I've attempted to be a proper XO, to handle all appropriate actions I can. To remove as much of the pressure from Nymas' shoulders as possible. Still, I find myself feeling lost. This is not my ship. Being a ship commander aboard a Starfleet ship is strange enough - being second highest in rank among a grouping of Romulan ship commanders and having to keep them useful and occupied is a task.

The ship's Captain, Larsen, seems to have decided to allow us nearly full access to all necessary items. Of this I'm thankful. Starfleet has taken casualties while we have taken none. As their staffing decreases, as the number of injured in sickbay grows, room for the other officers to be useful has finally shone through. As this has happened I've found myself spending more and more time running the Federation sickbay, tending to patients and switching off with Mattix.

Juggling all of these tasks is exhausting. I find myself only able to rest a few hours a night. My mind is simply too preoccupied otherwise.

When I find myself on the bridge Vempati is running, as she gives orders to one of my officers, all I can do is supervise and assist where I can. Having so many ship commanders aboard one vessel is disorienting. I wish so much to be back aboard Aensai, where I can clearly delineate the ability a Starfleet officer has to affect my command structure.

Heavens, when this is over, my hope is we return within seconds of our departure. I don't want you to have to worry. Worse still, if that weren't the case I fear what our enemies in the region may do in our absence.

This will likely be lost in time, dimension, or elsewhere. I still need to speak to someone. I miss you dearly, and I love you.

Spoiler: Entry 019Show
I'm not certain precisely what to write.

I should likely start with a full recounting of what occurred, so that I might submit it in a report to Nymas. I will need time to compile my thoughts though. Unfortunately I'm not so well composed.

When we returned, I felt confident. I spoke back to that abomination. He had to be reminded that Romulans are not tools. If not for him, that wretched beast, then to ensure that the Starfleet officers nearby know we believe that to be true. We are tools for Romulus and its glory, but we are not the tools of aliens of any sort.

Nymas' eyes were on me. I couldn't tell if he was angry with me or surprised by my behavior. I would hope he appreciated the sentiment, but one can never tell with the Commander.

The point being that after our return, finding that the creature had seen fit to remove Taev's cortical implant, I was in good spirits. We had all survived. Not the crew of the Dauntless but they were not meant to survive anyway. 'Q', as they call him, saw to that.

When S'Laen had finished examining me (we came to the determination that no time had passed, physically), a strange realization came down on me. I was shaken suddenly. Devastated. That reaction was unexpected and unwelcome, but it followed me anyway and I've been unable to shake it.

Such a violation of my personal space, being abducted to serve as 'tools' and learn some inane lesson - essentially to serve as this being's toy - hurt me. I did not expect it to. Aboard the Dauntless I counselled the lower ranking officers. I reassured them, talked them through their worries. Now though I find myself needing that help when we are safe, secure and back in our own world, in our own uniforms, in our own ships.

Sahraen is happy. Taev is finding who Taev the Romulan really is. Ael is well.

Why am I unable to handle this?

I am happy to once more see Nei'rrh. Explain to him what occurred, get his input. I can't talk his ear off, though. He is still reeling from R’Roholr's loss, and were I to be so selfish I'm not certain I could live with myself.

I suppose this is something I will have to work past, but it surprises me the melancholy I feel upon being returned safely to my world.

This feeling of weakness leaves me confused.

A more concise and informative report is to follow.


Spoiler: Entry 020Show
>>Video entry, personal log

the visual begins in a rather plain Commander's cabin. it clearly is not Thue's - the woman is wearing a shirt slightly too large for her and stands before the windows, her hands hanging loosely at her sides. far in the distance lies the Cardassian structure now known as Magellan


I never did type up that more concise report.

That's okay. I needed a long reprieve after the Voidling Q's capture. I was away from Nei'rrh for the longest period since we were together. Both he and N'Kres. I sought comfort with a close friend - a dear friend. What matters is that he has given his full understanding and forgiveness. the woman across the room shakes her head, her voice quiet, as if not wanting to wake someone

The dramas of the personal are unavoidable, even if you do your best to make yourself invulnerable to them.

I regret what happened with Sahraen only for any amount of dishonesty through omission I committed to Vorras. I had never intended for our encounter to repeat itself. When it did, I was in an emotional state and hurt from the Voidling's idiotic trial. These are excuses but they're also the truth of the matter.

She is my closest platonic friend, I think. She still is. Necessity...brought us together, through it we continue and move past it.

her slim shoulders shrug meekly

R’Roholr's loss still stings, but it's time I add him to my wall of memories and move past. Thue touches the faded green plasma-burn scar along the right side of her face thoughtfully It's time to move forward. I've kept this in lieu of the paint I was not permitted, but it's time to allow it to heal.

I must find time to meet with Ayn. She has concerns about Commander Varisco and the treatment she received working for Starfleet on a recent mission, and it's something that warrants investigation. Nymas has set it in my hands, which is fair.

The command of quadrants, as well, is being consolidated. We have a meeting to attend with other leadership I will leave for tomorrow.

Thue smiles


End log.

>choose entry: ___

>>to continue to next ten entries, press ENTER
1 Like
//reviewing personal logs prior to 92512.2
///choose entry
Spoiler: Entry 021Show
>>text entry

Reviewing my last log, I note that I talked about speaking with Ayn.

I always had concerns about the woman but I was positive she could be handled. She's a dirty Reman, but per Nymas' inclinations and that of the Republic they are equal Romulan citizens. I strove to treat her as such.
The problem is that now my kindness has been repaid in the worst way. After an incident that occurred only because a momentary weakness possessed the minds of her and her crew and supremely strong telepaths being involved she made the worst possible choice. Official records will show she is a Tal'Shiar sleeper agent, programmed and sent here to sabotage our alliance. Perhaps as recompense for their most recent defeat at our hands in this region.

It's very plausible. It isn't true.

However, when that Reman decided the best course of action was to do something that is defection in the eyes of the Romulan Republic, I finally realized the piece of command theory I have been missing.

Otherwise competent crew have been disposed of, security personnel I trusted but who didn't perform adequately were interrogated viciously for failures.

I resent this beyond understanding. As I stood by Nymas' side at the bar and conversed, I feel as if I finally understand his burden. I feel as his equal in ways now I didn't before. It's presumptuous but I comprehend it now.

...however marred by the trill Vorras' return was, Nei'rrh is in a marvelous mood. He now has his lovely little Malem. He's like a new man. When your heart calls to you through a ship, any other sort won't do. This is something Aensai has taught me. The two of us are meant to be in these small ships. If I continue to push upward in rank - if that is my ambition - I likely won't be allowed to stay in this small ship. I'd rather not think of it. I'm eager to schedule patrols alongside Nei'rrh so the two of us can dance again in our gorgeous raptors. In our own special little world.

A new Romulan arrived - an older man with a former political career. He is a Gaius - the others showed him deep veneration. I know there was a Gaius as Praetor once but the details escape me. He holds only the rank of Subcommander, though, and when he pushed me on something 'missing' in Taev's personnel file I was ready to drop the full anger of the day on him.

Then he smiled! The venerable old bat was testing me, pushing to see how far I'd bend. I didn't give an inch.

You're there, Thue. Or at least nearly.

I think I hear Nei'rrh stirring. There will be more later.

//end of logs recorded until stardate 92512.2
>>Manual text input start - 92571

This has all been very strange.

Now that I'm finally regaining my emotional footing, I'm going to attempt to work this through. See to my mental health and ensure by my own analysis that I haven't lost what is actually important.

Let's see...

I'm not exactly one hundred percent certain why I've lost so much emotional cohesion. Part of this is likely from the circumstances of my transfer. I've worked very hard to not let those in the Republic contingent here know what the issues are. I've let it slip to a few others, which was unsound, but I did so in a state of emotional distress. Our worst decisions are made in those times.

The Subadmiral was good enough to leave the Senate's reason for my transfer and loss of command off of my file. Conduct Unbecoming is not something that would help my career further. It's likely that this comes from Vorras' relationship with N'hiara, though in the end it's all speculation.

Either way, they still do not know. However it's affected my stability considerably. Knowing the reasons for my own transfer and the disgrace I feel, though not the disgrace I've been shown to have publicly, is in many ways worse. It's a suitable punishment - I've been left to eat myself alive with concern of being found out and guilt for my actions, while at the same time being left painfully alone.

<139 second pause in entry>

The pain of being alone for the first while after arriving was far worse than I would have ever expected. How many years did I spend alone on the D'gann and the Desmus? I was surrounded by Tal'Shiar and enforcers and prisoners, both like me and those in cells who I disfigured, but I was alone. Physical needs were met as needed but I was a single Rihan kept safe by the walls I had built.

They were emotional walls made from necessity, my passions and emotions locked up like a Vulcan's. It was a state of perpetual pain and sadness, but it was one which kept me alive.

Those walls have come down. Through my romance with Vorras and N'Kres, through friendships with Nymas and Sara, through the trysts I indulged in that led to closer personal relationships and support as with Sahraen. Through the time in the 11th Fleet JSI I tore those walls down. Now I fear I've torn them down too far.

<12 second pause in entry>

With those walls down, my interaction with the Romulans in this JSI branch have suffered. Conversely, I've found myself becoming friendly with ssouh where once I never would have considered doing so to this degree. Paranoia has set in with my own people - they share belief in the path of the Elements and clearly revere their beliefs. I've not seen it to this degree since my return to the Republic. It shouldn't make me feel as an outcase, but this one change has made me feel excluded.

Interestingly it is nothing that any other officer but myself has done. I feel guilt over the base emotional reaction I'm experiencing. I know not to ignore it, but I also know that I'm overreacting. There's no actual exclusion. It's a trick my mind is playing on me due to a lack of real distance.

<31 second pause in entry>

My loneliness makes me concerned that my fellow people are too different from me to allow me into their social circle. When Sahraen returns, immediately my joy is soured by jealousy as she gets on so well with the khre'riov. Never you mind that I was invited to join them. I choose to run off to sulk instead, to feel jealous and alone.

It's maddening, because I know this is something only I can fix.

Much like my time with Mal. He reminded me, briefly, of Nei'rrh and I was weak of judgement and spent the day with him. He isn't Vorras. He's human and in allowing myself to forget that to indulge my lonely self I allowed myself to forget their unique emotional needs and differences. I've bared far too much of my soul and vulnerability to this man. I would like to remain his friend but he sees more in the friendship despite my best hopes and explanations.

I find myself pushing this poor man away and causing him distress because I'm not certain how else to make absolutely clear we have no romantic future.

Loneliness and my inability to filter myself causes others pain in equal amounts to my own.

<652 second pause in entry>

Now that Sahraen has arrived, I know I must get this under control. She is an officer who drives me to be better by her very presence. The aggressively competent nature of everything she does is threatening but it isn't a threat she actively seeks. She is simply that good.

I'm chasing vapors. Attempting to find relationships to echo my previous ones and finding only sorrow when I don't.

I'm better than that.
>>Manual text input start - 92607.4

I have been doing very little socially aside from the duties aboard my ship since last I spoke.

I'm not really surprised by my actions, it was to be expected. When I return shortly to the station there is a simulation to run.

Oh yes - before Aensai departed I spent time with Jekal. The initial intent was to further interrogate her, but there was little benefit. Nothing to really gain. Instead it became a long conversation where I learned much about her. The woman's background is peculiar. She seems a good enough officer though.

And so we will operate on her very shortly.

I'm doing what I can to prepare. The actual surgeon is a man I've but briefly met. In one respect I'm very pleased to have a reason to perform surgery again but I've received warning that the simulation requires following Tal'Shiar protocol. While I'm familiar I do have a small concern it will bring memories back that I do not wish to have come back to me during surgery.

We do what we must though.

It has been a while since I have seen Ambassador Saya, and it is my hope we'll have the chance to spend time together soon. My relationship with my fellow Romulans is still stunted and underdeveloped. As I'm sure I have said before it is my fault but it is frustrating nonetheless. I would lose an ear to be one of those people blessed with social graces.

The aliens seem to receive my diplomatic overtures well enough. Complaints mustn't be too loud.
>>manual text input: stardate 92637.1

The operation on Jekal was a marked success. In doing so her memory block was removed. She had apparently had her memories of Tal'Shiar work blocked by some dirty Vulcan mind trick but it has been removed now.

So she needs to come to terms with the awful things she is now aware she did.

I'm only minimally equipped to assist her in this...years upon years of reprogramming and interrogations were needed until I was able to really understand and own what it was I did to others. She had an excuse I suppose. She had the excuse of being controlled.

Either way I'm doing all I can to be available for her. As a friend, I guess. She has called me one. I'm always loathe to use such words though, because oftentimes overuse of familiar language can lead to nothing but grief in the long run.

In other news the Bolian test Caracal was a marked success. Jekal commented that I might be seeing tours at some medical conferences if my descriptions were close to accurate. I do suppose she's correct ... if I can make this work, the Federation may be willing to truly give Romulan genetic technology a proper nod of the head. Real recognition.

My field is always reviled, especially by them. would be nice to change that.
>>manual text input: stardate 91646.4

A conversation with Nei'rrh today made it clear that with his new transfer, we'll be too far from one another.

So it's on hiatus. Officially.

I had suggested that months ago while on DS9. We had decided to try to make it work. Then, on Risa, we were spotted by an officer who reported us.

My reassignment here was based on separating us. My hope had been that wouldn't stop it.

It has though, it's stopped it in its tracks. Maybe twenty, thirty years from now we'll have another chance.

I've had a lot on my mind since that point, so I went to have a drink on the station. Jekal and I spoke. She seems to be doing far better, but all we spoke about was what was on my mind. Vorras.

Eventually I diverted conversation and we spoke of her health and Subcommander t'Veras. Perhaps I'll pull out the good kali'fal once my mind's a bit more sorted.

We'll have some fun.
>>manual text input: stardate 92668.3

I'm a credit to the stereotype that great intelligence comes with a complete lack of social graces. After what has happened, I've been in a state. My crew knows only by rumor if at all, but on my own - the few times I venture off the ship - I'm disgraceful.

Fatigue surrounds my every action. I know this is a depressive state. I despise it.

I'm better than that.

I allowed myself a night with Desimone and her friend Captain Caine, watching some Earth movies. It was distracting, which was nice. Mal invited me to his ship and I suppose he must fancy himself a therapist as what we had was very much a therapy session.

When it comes to Jekal, I have avoided her. I don't know why. It's this Vorras thing, that must be why. I'm avoiding contact with everyone not militarily necessary.

She needs my help - or perhaps that's my ego - but I feel she needs my help in the ordeal she's going through. Surely any of our people who have worked closely with the evil of the Tal'Shiar can assist her. No, it's more than I wish to help her. I want to see her recover fully. A mentally compromised officer stands little chance. If a whiff makes its way past the Khre'Riov, who knows what someone above her may wish to do.

She's already amazingly stable. Considering.

So...send her a message with an apology, offer to host her on-ship.

Relax. Above all, Thue, you must relax. This is not the eleventh fleet and you are not failing.
>>the entry has no stardate timestamp, notes typed in hastily<<

Honeypot. That term is silly but I guess it may be the idea.

Gasko system.

Get him to talk openly about Thalaron Radiation. He's very close.

Secure recording on physical copy elsewhere.

Message Kozath, Mal and Freeman. Don't raise to the command staff until necessary.

What the hnaev is this guy's problem?

Mhai's in system. I should have an accident happen to him.

...look into that.


//entered on stardate 92688.8//

I have waited to document anything due to concern that I'd be writing solely out of my anger.

How can Starfleet not understand that this man is a traitor? I had considered Neema a diplomat, if quiet, but her policy involving this man baffle me. This man was not brought in as part of the Tau Dewa Pact as part of the agreement between the Republic and Starfleet.

He has admitted to selling Romulan technological advancements to Starfleet in employment. Instead of defection, instead of accepting a new way of life, he became a mercenary.

Heavens. Typing that makes me livid.

I attempted to tell her that regardless of his government at the time of defection, that by admitting to what he has done for them on Utopia Planetia, by bragging about it, he is admitting to treason to the Romulan people. Neema is now complicit to it and defending it. Trying to explain this concept to those that are not Rihannsu is proving to be near impossible.

Admittedly I should not have done what I did. Captain Lazard told me he was given schematics for his ship equipped with Thalaron weapons. My assumption had been that he had things sorted on his end but they were not. Superiors were not informed, and as such we were called in front of Captain Perim.

Fair enough. However I am shocked that the Khre'Riov is so willing to wait this out and trust the Captain. The Captain's lack of understanding of Romulan politics in this regard doesn't insult me so much as wound me. There is a complete lack of concern for our concerns under his label of a Federation employee. I can only hope that it is a screen for an ongoing investigation they won't wish to inform us of.

Were we to hire a former SFI officer to replicate their transponder codes and weapons frequencies, then allow him to flaunt his work in public, I wonder if they would be so nonchalant. I needn't wonder - they wouldn't.

I will obey the Khre'Riov in all of her words. This does not mean I intend to remain idly by while this creature named Kael does as he does. As a Romulan I cannot. Sitting still and allowing him to do as he does without finding a way to end his bothersome existence in this place would be madness. When I spoke to Desimone, she told me she thinks perhaps he has no plans to offer up weaponry at all. He exists solely as an agent of chaos.

She may be right. However he is a danger, and the fact that he has and may continue to offer our weapons Starfleet is also a danger. I am far from the only officer among my people who believes so. Perim's chief officers also see the danger he poses. I care not if they are 'investigating' him or if direct command trusts their ability to investigate. We will do what we must.

The fact that the man is attracted to me and has touched my face in a gesture of threat and affection only makes me more willing to carry out whatever task this will lead to, in the end. He should not have come to sit among his own people. Those working with Starfleet on technology under the proper and righteous Romulan State are good Rihannsu. Patriotic Rihannsu. He is not a patriot or a good man.

He is a traitor to his people.
>>manual text input: stardate 92694.5

That damned traitor. If what he has told me is the truth, then all this posturing is just that. Then, he is just a toothless man scared for his child's life and willing to do what he thinks is best to save it.

He's wrong of course, if that is the case. If he would join the Republic, repent and inform our people of what he told Starfleet in those years so we knew what sort of technologies they gleaned from him early, this would all be much easier. However he had to go and decide that the best way to try and save his child was to alienate both Starfleet and Republic officers.

I have been alternately furious and sad. Furious for his obstinance but sad because while this still appears a trap, if it is the truth he's impotent and unsure of himself and his attitude is the way he tries to remedy that. I haven't seen him since his deadline and our conversation. Mhai believes it's still a trap, despite Intel checking out. So I reported everything to the Khre'Riov and await her orders.

If there is truth to his story we may gain very much moving forward with this.

It's 'if'.
>>manual text input: stardate 92700.3

I've done all I can to assist that wretched man and I'll do no more than I have.

It's his son, really. It reminds me of R'rolhir.

I've been trying so hard to set Vorras aside and relax, to realize that indeed it isn't the end of romance for me. Every time that bastard brings up his son, though, I think of R'rolhir. About the plasma explosion. I remember waking up in sickbay, barely able to breath and covered in those terrible raw burns and having Vorras with me and seeing the pain on his face. The pain on all of their faces, Sara, Nymas.

Knowing we failed. That we failed out infiltration and as a result a young man died. Knowing I couldn't publicly grieve due to my unconventional relationship with the boy's parents. I wore that scar for nearly six months in remembrance. It broke my heart to heal it away.

It's been difficult to quell those feelings in the face of his situation. The focus is, and should be, as I've presented to the Khre'Riov - the Tal'Shiar installation and construction in that same region. Now of course the damned traitor went to Starfleet and wants their help infiltrating. His request of Aurelia and I is simply to deprogram his son once he 'rescues' him.

Of course, I would be willing, but I suggested that if he wants to infiltrate successfully he speak to the Khre'Riov and request Romulan assistance. The damned stubborn fool still doesn't understand that Starfleet is not prepared for such things. They don't understand the Tal'Shiar. We do.

In the end I'll be glad to be rid of this situation. I do hope his child survives and I do hope he can be interrogated, de-programmed and repatriated with the Republic. Of course, he's on the edge of an emotional breakdown. He seems to alternate between calling me a liar and being physically threatening to bawling on my shoulder.

Anahr says he believes they were false tears, but I'm not so certain. Kael's just a sad, sad man with no grasp on the reins of his life.

I know grief of a missing child when I see it.

And so, my hands are off the helm controls, and gladly so. Between Kael and Anahr, my night yesterday was spent on starbase, grappling with philosophical concerns with a very charming man and tolerating an insolent man who vacillates between screaming at me and bawling. I was supposed to spend time with Desimone and her friends.

Next time. Soon, this whole business will be over and my conscience won't strangle me.
>>manual text input: stardate 92734

Heavens I don't have much time. I do need time to rest.

I've found myself embroiled in two scenarios that border on confidential. The previous one involves that Kael man I last wrote about. There are plans in motion to board the Tal'Shiar facility we have intel on thanks to his "creative" methods of giving us information.

Aurelia was speaking to that merchant Voh, whose ship we have decided to use after a conversation and planning session with Fleet Captain Perim. The mission itself is one that makes me quite nervous. I've been second in command for multiple Tal'Shiar infiltration missions under Nymas and am highly experienced in the act. However, even with the last one being successful, I still think of the rescue mission for R'rholhir.

I don't want to end up dead.

What I must remember are the missions that end in success and base this one off of it. The missions like the one where I have the potential to save lives and end evil. Save a child who was unwanted and give him a chance at life with loving parents, even in the most unconventional circumstances.

I won't have the chance to always save someone like Alfie and make my friends' lives more rich, but when I do have that possibility I must embrace it even at the risk of death.

Also, I'm working on diffusing a Thalaron bomb with Bill and Aurelia. I can't believe I just typed that.

Despite all of this, I recently found time to enjoy dinner with Ahnar. We had a wonderful time.

Absolutely wonderful.

It ended up being drink with some time watching the stars. We ended up back at his quarters. I was actually very intrigued by the artifacts he had out and was studying, and perhaps I asked too many questions about them.

Did I spend the night? Maybe. I want to ensure I'm not treating him as what the humans term a 'rebound', though. I made that mistake jumping headfirst with a good friend and made things far more awkward than is needed. Being held by a man feels good, though.

I've missed it.

I'm not sure how to quantify things, but in the immediate moment, it feels good to have something more to look forward to. Fresh potential is rare and beautiful.

I do wonder, though, how Jekal will handle things. We have become close friends and she has developed a deep affection for me that she would certainly like to extend to romance. After my transfer and the threat of expulsion due to the relationship I ended with Vorras, I can't risk being with another Republic officer.

I just can't.

Sleep calls.
>>manual text input stardate 92750.4

I am a terrible friend.

Somehow I have managed to have, at the very least, two people I want to be my friends fall for me romantically. No more officers, as I said. I won't risk seeing another officer. Not after the heartbreak I had to endure surrounding Vorras and the threat it became to my career.

I'm not really sure what to do. Maybe nothing. Maybe Mal needs to figure it out on his own. Maybe Jekal needs to just learn and move past. It doesn't alleviate the guilt I feel, though.

Not at all.

Enough self pity. A new Admiral came to the station to brief staff on the situation involving a Starfleet-derived virus that has infected many ships that have docked. I spoke up perhaps a bit too loudly in concern of the way that their countermeasures may be taken by other aliens in a diplomatic manner and was tasked with determining how the Republic might respond to this if there is no formal Starfleet announcement of said countermeasures.

No pressure.

Additionally, thankfully, the Thalaron bomb was never active and Aurelia has since disposed of it. One potential disaster averted.

I do wish I could have that date tonight. Risa sounds far better than any of this work. I think I might be getting sick of duty. Heavens, let's hope not. I couldn't afford that.
an aside

The woman's quarters were spartan, even for a Romulan officer. Soft shades of jade projected from the few standing ambient lights left. By the small bay window sat Thue's bed. The regulation grey covers were not pulled tight and neat as they should be. Though the middle of the ship's day, the slim Romulan was there, laid out lazily across the covers. They found themselves tangled around one foot, one corner of the bedspread slumped on the floor. A mess.

Her sleep had been restless to the point of non-existence. Thue pressed the butts of her hands to her eyes and rubbed until spots of white plagued her dark vision. The deep exhaustion she felt inside was a mix of so many intense emotions she likely couldn't parse them out without many days of thought. Of course, in the time it took to do that she'd be so mad from a lack of direction the entire process would be worthless.

She blinked hard. As her vision cleared and returned to the dark shades of the ceiling above her bed, Thue smiled. She was exhausted. The terrible events from days previous had seen her sent into fits like other officers. Thue had inhaled so much at so close a range, though, that it had hit her particularly hard. Her memory was so fuzzy of the incident and the day afterward that she had been all but useless. Now it was a dusty mind and occasionally blurring vision.

"We can clone people perfectly," she mused under her breath to the ceiling, "but give a Romulan a complex neurological condition and even we are at a loss."

With a pivot the woman turned her upper half and crammed her face deep into the satin pillow.

The sleep Thue had been hoping to catch to still her mind had been evading her for hours. It wasn't that she wasn't tired. She was tired. Immensely so! Thue however was extremely well acquainted with her mind. It had been two days since she had been on active duty. In that time, even in her foggiest state, she had been constructing many ideas. These included:

  • Elaborate calculations related to her caracal experiments. Specifically, the bolian genetic issue plaguing her kittens.

  • The amount of time she could lengthen her evening runs to pass through the Academy annex.

  • How to best address a certain man with her protective friends.

Thue's eyes squeezed shut into the pillow as ineffectively as any might. She let out a giddy laugh. Before the mission that had seen her laid up occurred - the night before - she had been on a second 'date' with him. Things had continued to go well. Amazingly so. Her heart still ached from Vorras and by his behavior, he was still hurting from a former lover. So they had agreed to see one another and take things slowly.

Then things clicked.

She would still take it slow. Thue was many things but a romantic fool was not one of them. She squeezed the pillow between her arms. ...well, she wasn't most of the time.

A loud chirp startled the woman from her reverie. She reached across the dark bed and snatched up the glowing green display of the PADD. Across the screen was scrawled

14:00 - Finish RADM's Report

The poor PADD didn't survive its next contact as it hurtled through the air and cracked in two upon contact with the dresser.

"Five more minutes."
>>manual text input stardate 92766.2

I've just now arrived at mol'Rihan.

Never have I considered this place home. I've spent less time here since its establishment than I have aboard Starfleet installations. However I couldn't turn down the chance now. If I were to write in here that this was due solely to the Halcyon virus and my concern that the Vulcan Sivath could use some Romulan assistance in this matter, it would be a lie.

In a way it's because of Ahnar. Which is silly and strange.

He's spoken very fondly of it thought. Or the region near it. If memory serves he's done archaeological digs in the area and it holds some degree of interest. So I thought that I might give it a try again.

The hard part is going to be tracking down Sivath and the rest of the contingent from DS13. Intel operatives will likely want to keep them in secured areas much of the time while they wear them down and as authorized as I am to assist I'm not sure how much they will want the assistance. Still, I'm going to attempt to render it.

Though first, let me see if I can find a nice place for dinner.

>>manual text input stardate 92768.4

I began the morning by attending a meeting with an Intelligence officer named Karros. Not exactly a pleasant man but I do feel I handled it well enough. His people have been, if I'm to really translate Commander Sivath's Vulcan phrasing properly, bothering the Starfleet delegation.

Of course this is to be expected. I explained to him in more detail the situation from the perspective of a Romulan who was included in the initial briefing on the subject. He got very cross several times and went on some tirades (restrained but very rude). In the end it was everything I've come to expect from one of his ilk.

So we shall see how that helps the Commander.

Clearly I did manage to find him after some work. We had a long conversation about the nature of duty and I must say, I stepped away from it saddened. As so often I do when Vulcans are involved in these things.

It's the efficiency to the point of complete removal of passion over ones self and the drive to be the best you can for your people and position. He is happy being the cog in that Starfleet machine. However, he doesn't want to exceed what is expected of him. How can one live simply doing the minimum of duty? To a Romulan officer that sort of thought is strange. To me it is at least.

You should never stop attempting to be the best in all regards. In doing your best you elevate those around you as well as your people.

I shouldn't expect a Vulcan to understand, but heavens I did try. I'm not certain why I do.

After my talk with Karros I took a stroll through the wilderness nearer where the meetings are happening. With less pain and pressure on my shoulders now than at that time, with more room for appreciation of beauty, I can see why this place appeals. The sky is beset by dazzling auroras in patterns that never seem to duplicate. Our people have done a marvelous job creating a society here in a short amount of time.

I can see why he likes it.

My heart still aches for ch'Rihan.