Today I dedicated almost exclusively to sight seeing.
It's been a wonderfully enjoyable day. I stopped in this morning to the Senate hearing to attempt to see what was going on, but the entry would have been slightly too much of a bother so I decided to have faith in our Starfleet allies and instead changed into my civvies and took a hike.
I've been doing a great deal of research into the region and settled on the Atlai river.
Particularly I was intrigued by the nanovs found there. I've heard about them, of course. There's nary a natural scientist in the Republic who isn't familiar with them. Seeing them in the wild is a different situation entirely.
They look happy. It's irrational and a case that I have attempted to anthropomorphize them due to my humanoid traits - but their faces look so happy. It made me smile to see them sloshing around in the riverwater. The scientists here have done well to preserve this region's natural aspects as mol'Rihan is slowly settled and expands. The bridge that crosses the Atlai is unobtrusive and far enough from nature that you can't really hear the coming and going of officers and civilians from the riverbed.
This is the first time in a long while I've felt peace.
In the Expanse we were always in a fierce state of war. In many ways, I've been 'at war' my entire life. Now, perhaps, there's time for me to really take note of the way this region is. Not to become complacent, but perhaps to allow my teeth to be used less often.
I think I'm going to go out to dinner again tonight. Alone, sadly.
I don't wish to be here long if I'm not needed by the Starfleet contingent - I've done my best to assist and my comms will remain open, but I'm of more use back at DS13.
Before leaving though, I actually managed to get an appointment to speak to Admiral Kererek.
I couldn't believe it. He wasn't expecting it to be approved, but it was. He's not my direct superior officer and perhaps it was silly, but I've been working so hard on this Compendium I started in the Zenas Expanse. Genetic and societal information on all species I've encountered in my time since commanding the Aensai.
It was well received. I barely spent give minutes speaking to the man and he didn't give me a look much beyond a brusque greeting, but it's with him now and in the end that is all that matters.
For the first time, I will actually miss mol'Rihan.
This world is a proper homeworld now. It isn't ch'Rihan. It was never my home. Perhaps, someday, it will be. I've retrieved quite a few 'souvenirs' for my friends. Though I've appreciated my time here I have served my purpose.
Since my return from mol'Rihan things have been quite eventful.
My first psionic experience was as unpleasant as I expected. A reman who is in the JSI was the culprit. They are now telling me there is a medical reason he has done what he has done. They say this as if it changes anything. To be in the Republic his psionic conduct would have had to be reviewed. If he has done something to hinder his ability to change that state, even if his intent wasn't malicious (of which I am still not convinced), there must be some sort of answer for what has happened.
On one hand I can see how another officer might see me as being hyperbolic. "It was only a headache", they might say, "he didn't hurt you."
I'm not certain how were I to encounter these people I'd explain the fear I felt on realization of the intrusion. I could have killed him on the spot for his invasion. In a Romulan ship, I very well may have and I do not do such things lightly. In over fifty years I've not had my mind's sovereignty breached. Now I have and I find it as distasteful as I would have expected. The investigator offered me a guard and I took it not because I fear for my physical safety, but because it does make me feel a little more secure.
It truly frightened me.
The only one who really knows this is Ahnar. At least, the depths of my fear of further violation. It was surface and superficial but heavens the idea of it has been haunting me.
In a more pleasant notation the award ceremony was very good. I'm very happy to see Bill promoted to Sublieutenant. He deserved it. I feel immensely proud of that man, though I'm not exactly sure why. There is another medal to add to my decorations box as well.
PG-13ish - Squishy medical imagery/moral questionability! It's not graphic but the moral ambiguity might bring someone down so fair warning
//Late year, 2395 – I.R.W. Vigilant – Special Medical Projects Laboratory//
>>Medical examiner’s log, start for Subject two-oh-six.
Two-oh-six shows signs of soft tissue necrosis. The subject was presenting symptoms consistent with acute radiation exposure before termination.
Also picking up high residual traces of gamma band radiation despite decontamination procedures taken by decon team. Check procedural efficacy of the decon team lead and discipline as necessary.
I’m going to need to pass through decontamination. The subject’s results are inconclusive as to the structural integrity of shields on subject number two-oh-six because Lieutenant t’Harrol is an asshole. End log.
“Medical examiner’s log, start for Subject two-oh-six. Two-oh-six shows signs of soft tissue necrosis”
The Romulan, her chestnut hair clasped behind her in a tight bun, leaned over the pale body on the table as she spoke. The Romulan laboratory was dark beyond the bright lights of the exam table. Thue was the sole living creature in the room, though stretching into the darkness beyond her was table after table of waxen Reman corpses, their gaunt vampiric faces shining faintly in the light’s distant reflection in a way that would make those unfamiliar with this room’s purpose start. Burned flesh gave way under Thue’s fingers as she tested the dark spots on the reman’s skin.
“The subject was presenting symptoms consistent with acute radiation exposure before termination.” The diagnostic scanner on her wrist beeped quietly to catch her attention. Her hands roved over the creature’s mottled, scorched and puffy face. “Also picking up high residual traces of gamma band radiation despite decontamination procedures taken by decon team. Check procedural efficacy of the decon team lead and discipline as necessary.”
Irritated at this new discovery the scientist snapped off her gloves and pulled away from the body. After passing her hands under the anti-microbial sanitizer the slender Romulan removed her medical mask.
“I’m going to need to pass through decontamination. The subject’s results are inconclusive as to the structural integrity of shields on subject number two-oh-six because Lieutenant t’Harrol is an asshole.” Absolute vitriol escaped her on the final word. Thue yanked the scanner off her wrist and slammed it onto the metal table with a reverberating CLANG. Several hypos were pulled off the table and pushed into the pouches of her uniform as she headed for the decontamination exit.
“End log.”
She hated the decon process. Now she was back in the quarters. The bunks of the small ships sleeping room were stacked two high. She shared this space with five others, but Imperial officers never really had free time as it was. Your bunk was for sleeping and only for sleeping. Sublieutenant Thue didn't bother to remove her uniform before falling back onto her bed.
The Reman project was awful.
On the D'gann she hadn't had nearly this degree of an issue. Playing around with the genetic code of the Remans was fun and interesting. In the end the result was the same, of course, because testing genetic resistance to Thalaron radiation could end only one way. Thalaron radiation was quick when it did act though. It wasn't the same as the lesser radiation deaths.
But when Commander T’kelhan was arrested by the Tal'Shiar for reasons she was not permitted to know, she had been transferred to the Vigilant. Thue hated the Vigilant.
The tests, at their core, were to develop more efficient radiation shielding for Reman soldiers. To allow for more potent radiation warfare against the Klingons while letting Remans commandeer the ships. Remans were logically needed for testing. Thue hadn't dealt with the bodies of the living irradiated before, Thalaron didn't allow for corpses.
It had taken only two days for her to beseech her superiors for a faster death for the Remans. Her superiors had taken two months to approve it. In those two months Thue had been present over the agonizing deaths of dozens of Reman miners. Sloughing flesh and rotting faces, the gurgling for breath while the miners' organs quite literally turned to a mass of liquid within their frames, it haunted her.
She pulled in a long breath and exhaled, closing her eyes to chase off the memories. The creatures were pitiable and without value to command. Now at the very least their suffering was brief. There was a time she had once only worked on biological agents, and that was a time that Thue dearly missed. The woman turned on her side and settled her cheek into the rough fabric of her pillow.
A numbness had protected her since she escaped ch'Rihan before its destruction. Like a cloud this numbness swallowed up her fears of execution and imprisonment and her anger and despair for her patients. She must do what she was told and do so without question. When officers like Sublieutenant t'Harrol made even a small mistake it was needed to be reported to command. When that niggling question of "Should I be doing this?" crept into her mind, it had to be quashed.
There was simply no other way. The Rihannsu must survive and if that meant she must do what she found to be distasteful, she would do it in a heartbeat. For Romulus.
That thing is free and I've added one more guard to my retinue.
Truly I can't pretend to understand the system of 'justice' Starfleet rules by. The process is very long and drawn out and it bothers me. That said I suppose I can learn to work alongside it. For all my wishes for a swift reprisal, for a Republic fleet disciplinary movement I could have taken myself, it simply won't happen.
Agreeable people to have to tolerate in this sort of matter. These things are the cost of working with foreign governments and they're a cost I'm wiling to put up with.
I'm going to sound dreadfully Vulcan on writing this, but logically I know I am safe. The odds of that beast attacking me again are minuscule if his story is to be believed (Starfleet's treatment implies it is) but I have no way of knowing if he truly is willing to do what led to him hurting me again. The guards don't really do anything. All a Reman must do if they want to hurt me is look in my direction and my brain would bleed out my nose if they so wished it.
How do I know he doesn't have that capability? I don't. So I accept the guards because they make me feel better.
Were I more intelligent I'd spend nights on my undocked vessel. I'm not, though, so I've taken to keeping guards on throughout the night and instead spending my sleeping hours in the Professor's quarters. It's where he sleeps - heavens likely the same deck - but I feel far safer with Ahnar than without him. Sometimes I am able to help him watch Vee. That's when I feel happiest these nights, though the girl can be a pain.
I find when I return to my quarters aboard ship I feel vulnerable and melancholy. I dislike this entire ordeal, it's making me feel weak. I am not weak. This whole thing must continue because, at the very least, he must know that.
I've not kept recent notations and that's not the best idea.
A diplomatic conference was recently held here and a Federation ambassador was 'poisoned'. It's really a toxin targeting her genetic structure. Something with a specific environmental trigger. It's ingenious. On my report to Starfleet and the Khre'Riov, I left off the fact that this is something I would absolutely have been tasked to make in the Tal'Shiar. If this isn't something the Empire created, it's someone of similar thought processes.
I've been spending a great deal of time reviewing the data in my lab. I'm interested in trying to recreate it, really...not for use against live beings, but as a challenge. Could I reconstruct this based off of the data given to me? With the equipment at my disposal, theoretically, I can. Though whether or nor I should has been what I've been considering.
Regardless I find my work is going to be exciting. Perhaps a bit politically volatile, but this is what I've been needing.
That reminds me. I'm writing this now from Ahnar's quarters. More and more, I still find myself here. He's the reason I spent as much time as I have gaining Deihu tr'Keras' favor. He told me of his sisters' suggestions for running for Senate, and that he may consider them someday. Setting out feelers for the future can't hurt, can it?
I've not kept up on this sort of thing. Yet again.
Life takes swings between extremes of absolute annoyance. Patrols as of late have been mundane and I've begun to keep my crew busier through regular war games with the computer on the starbase holodeck. I dislike relying on said holodeck because that technology is questionable at best, and as good as the A.I. is, it isn't real. It's not life.
And in an instant, everything is different. Oh not for my crew no but for me. For s'Veras, really. I'm not one of them but their intrerests are becoming mine. As I've become closer to Ahnar and spent more time with Verelan, there's precious less I'd considered important to me than the wellbeing of their family, save for my own and those of my crew. Naturally.
This whole D'kera situation is confusing and I do my best to remain out of the way where it's concerned. What I do know, by the reactions of Ahnar's family, is the potential danger this person and these psychopaths could potentially pose to those I care about. So I'll remains supportive where I can and ensure I offer the Aensai for their use if necessary. Remain available and ready to assist.
If it's important to Ahnar, it's important to me.
Increasingly my life becomes more focused on this relationship. I do all I can to remind myself that, in the end, I cannot let it consume me. Any Rihannsu poet knows though that these sorts of things are useless to fight in the end. Our passions consume us in the end in all things. We can put strictures on them and fight against our primal natures, but in the end, why should I fight something so happy?
I simply won't. Yes my time with Vorras nearly ended with my life forfeit by very angry Subadmirals, but I don't regret it. My days with he and N'Kres were special and they'll always be missed. For the many terrible things I've been subjected to and the many horrific things I've done, perhaps there's...a small amount of room for selfishness here.
It's really very funny - every time I've attempted to have a conversation with Tilly since my approval on the Eledri project, someone either engages she or I in conversation.
She's been quite busy, from what I've heard, organizing her new ship responsibilities. As I have been as well, though not...ship responsibilities. The khre'Riov did approve my request to do a study on Eledri Prime and its inhabitants, and the Eledri agreed to a joint scientific operation as well.
So far I plan a total of three branches to this study, though this very well could change depending on the Eledri's reaction after arrival.
I - Genetic survey. The Eledri seem a very open and willing people. They have no real solid evidence of where their species originates from, though I'm certain as so many others they're likely operating under the misconception that they're singularly unique.
Now we know that's not true.
A study of voluntary surrenders of genetic material will likely be able to provide me with all of the proof I need for a solid basis for a paper. For proof. The minister I spoke to and will likely be dealing with implied that it's because Tilly's parentage is likely interbred. She's wrong, and I must show her and all like her that. They are Romulanoid. In that connection we can establish something greater for the Federation and the Republic.
II - Societal study. I want to know how these people act. Not in their big alien capitals, that Dodge City place, no. When alone, when only among their own people, when unobserved.
This will be more difficult but is very possible.
III - Historical review. Could I name this my excuse to bring Ahnar with? Accurate but not wholly.
Their historical databases will be key to setting up timelines and establishing actual lineage. Additionally, this pertains also to any possible archaeological sites. The planet was settled by Romulans, of that I'm certain through Zaldo's structure, and e'lev can prove that for me. He's quite capable of sniffing out such things, especially if I provide him with an officer or two to assist.
The station has been the station. The little time I've spent in the public areas have been brief. Caught up with Taval (who broke that cow's nose, the lovely man), met a new Intel goon who's really very chatty. I must remember to be a little more cautious around him. The way he and Aurelia sat there and carried on about aviaries and little birdies and socks, it was all very funny.
Oh I did receive a beautiful gift for the gift exchange. This metal sculpture of a DNA strand, crafted in a rainbow of colors. It was thoughtful and lovely, so I do believe whoever was assigned to me knew me well. It's already been secured prominently in my office just off the bridge. Ahnar had told me he thought the place too bare. It does appear he was right.
Sara will likely ask me to wear my elf costume soon. I should pull it out of storage.
After spending an evening at Sara's with even Mal present, I find myself calm.
In the spirit of 'season', as my human friends often say, I've resolved to fix some of my personal issues. One of which is the entire situation I've cultivated with Mal. He's a good man. Things became strained between us and they shouldn't have. So that will be fixed. As much as I can fix it.
Preparations for the Eledri trip are slow-going but constant. Since this is a scientific survey and he'll be helping, lately my free evenings and mornings are spent over a drink, sprawled out on the bed with PADDs with Ahnar, planning our trips and data and talking.
In the quiet of the starbase quarters, Thue considered.
She was drunk. Not as drunk as she'd ever been, not close. Still, it was drunk enough for her emotions to bubble distressingly close to the surface. Now, it wasn't like as a Romulan this didn't happen on a regular basis. It happened very often. Usually, it was for a very good sort of reason - intertwined in the dim lighting of a bedroom, focused down on the enemy in the heat of battle, tirelessly working out complex equations in the silence of her laboratory.
Tonight was a bit strange because it didn't stem from the usual sources. Her conversation with Captain Konie...sheeko?... hadn't been all too odd. The human left her drunk after a long talk. Likely off to bed the strumpet that had caused Thue the most grief, she had immediately considered, which she found deeply unfortunate. The Captain seemed a fair enough man. She hated to see humans drawn in by their emotions since, so often, they lacked the emotional maturity to full comprehend the consequences of their actions in the long-term.
It hadn't really been the conversation with the Captain that triggered this deep swelling of emotion. No. It was something else. The tightness in her side was a familiar emotional pain. What was doing this was Ahnar. In her conversation with the Captain, she had mentioned to him that the station had now become her home. This was true. Somehow, a Starfleet starbase was now home. It made the fuzzy-headed Riov a little nauseous to consider (not that the vodka needed much help). There was no somehow. It was, most certainly, Ahnar.
Ahnar wasn't aware he was doing it, of course. When she had let herself into his quarters, she had opened the door to his bedroom to find the man fast asleep under the covers in the darkness. So she found herself settled on the sofa in front of the bay window and staring out at the orbiting ships. The ambient lighting of the station provided the room with a soft glow. It felt romantic.
The Romulan adjusted her scarf and leaned back on the sofa, inebriated giggling escaping her painted lips. It was romantic, as she considered now. Realization of why the heart in her side ached so badly hit her hard and fast. Everything felt perfect. A Starfleet starbase felt as if it might be her home when she was residing with him. The upcoming studies on Eledri Prime they were soon to conduct weren't just exciting - it was a holiday with Ahnar at her side.
She didn't wish to fall into the traps that could come with infatuation. Leaving Vorras had been painful and Ahnar had been through quite the loss himself. Following ones passions into such a relationship without tempering it could be dangerous. His presence was intoxicating, and she was well aware she had that affect on him. It was openly apparent, even the thought of that look on his face something making her heart beat madly in her side all the more.
Thue restlessly pulled to her feet. Her eyes drooped half-closed as she glanced to the bedroom door. She was tired and craved sleep. Perhaps she'd fallen in too far and too fast with Ahnar. It was likely. Some things in life, though, seemed to be worth the risk.
I've been thinking about the past, how to fix things.
Not long into the start of my relationship with Ahnar, I managed to wiggle information out of him on his last partner. I was desperately curious. I can't even count the amount of people who, when we first started, threatened that I'd pay if I were to hurt him. Like 'she' did.
I had thought perhaps it was simply some kind of messy thing - perhaps she was unfaithful, there was some major disagreement, and it ended messily. When he told me about what his partner had done I was stunned.
It wasn't just overprotective exaggerations. I've not been able to get Ahnar to speak of Kirina since the one time I drew things out of him. It really makes my break with Vorras seem as if nothing, and I know now I don't really have the right to complain about such things. Not to Ahnar.
Since then I've considered over and over, wondering how I can ensure I can protect him from such things. Clearly I won't be infected by borg technology or begin modifying my Caracal specimens but what I mean isn't really literal.
I need to be the best Rihannsu I can be, so that he can be happy.
With Vorras I was often so happy because he strove to make me happy. Looking back on it, when I was with him he made me feel as if I was his world. It was intoxicating but it wasn't quite so reciprocal. I cared, deeply, but I can't say I wanted to protect him. He had N'Kres for that, after all. I was the third pieces and so while I could share in those emotional pains, it wasn't the same.
What I'm experiencing with the Professor now is new. I want desperately to protect him, emotionally. I may be trying and deferring too hard but it's what feels best. Instead of my affection being shown to him, I'm finding new ways to express it. Quietly trying to build up stability. To create a place where perhaps the two of us have a future in our fields, where things can maybe progress further. That we'll have the emotional foundation to press forward.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else writes down their thoughts in such a way. I know others keep logs but is this too clinical? I do worry that sometimes, were people to find this, they'd think me an android. He's what makes me want to review my emotions so I guess I must be doing this right.
Truthfully, the reason behind this is not actually laziness insomuch as it is that I've been writing so much so often elsewhere that keeping two sets of logs is superfluous and a massive waste of my time.
Over this past month and a half of silence I've been on Eledri Prime with Ahnar and my ship. Note how I put him first? It's hard not to. The discoveries we made together (with the admitted assistance of our Eledri and Romulan scientific assistants) were enlightening. They proved our theory correct. The data we've compiled is more than enough to base a full paper on.
We did it and I'm not certain I could love him more for it.
The last few days were spent on holiday at this wonderful beachside place Tilly's family uses. Beaches that allow for a full lack of clothing made the place feel like Risa but less cheap. I think that's the best word. It felt classy.
So we celebrated.
I had us brought back to DS13 (I almost typed 'home', honestly Thue) in order to continue working on our paper. Had we stayed in that lovely place I can't really guarantee as much work would get done as I'd like. Still I've taken the next week on leave so I might continue my work with Ahnar. We've so many places to consider submission.
Things seemed different now. Certainly that was the pheromone residuals talking. It had to be.
The Romulan woman lay on her belly on the plush comforters of Ahnar's bed. She was surrounded by PADDs and notepads scribbled in messy, chicken-scratch Rihan, working diligently on the joint, as-of-yet-to-be-submitted-for-publication paper she and Ahnar had been assembling.
For all of twenty minutes.
What had he said? "It's great seeing you like this - I would love to see you like this all the time."
Something like that. She'd forgotten the words. It was the usual sort of thing that made her knees weak. She raised the screen of the PADD to her ridged forehead with a dull thwack on impact. The problem of it all is that she hadn't yet determined if she was indeed still 'detoxifying' from the Eledri pheromones that had so drastically affected her, or if she was simply...happy.
It was fear keeping her from researching. From sticking herself with the one hypo to draw blood and the two second scan to see.
The fear, the reasoning behind it, was something she had admitted to herself myriad times in the past but had admitted to only a sole few in her lifetime. Thue was not often happy. Pleased, yes. Arrogant? Often. Content, sometimes. Happy, though - truly happy ... no, that hadn't happened in a long, long time.
The involuntary, loose smile that crossed her face did so as considering this triggered the memory. The same thought had occurred to her earlier when reminiscing about the adventure she had recently returned from ... her father had taken her older brothers fishing. There was a great deal of hubbub surrounding the event, as her family was low-class and city-bound. Fishing was a luxury for them and Thue had never been. She remembered throwing such a furious fit that she nearly passed out from the stubbornness of holding her own breath.
Good old eneh. Sweet old H'daen.
She had thrown such an intense fit that eneh knew it must be important. He gave in to his youngest daughter, and Thue rose on his shoulders the entirety of the trip to the creek. Funnily enough, she didn't remember ever trying to hand at fishing...she didn't like the idea of catching slimy animals. The word 'barbaric' then wasn't in her vocabulary, but that's the emotion it caused in her. All she truly remembered was having her father's attention, commanding the interest of her brothers. She was half their age by the youngest, yet she had gotten their father to change his mind.
That moment of emotional power and familial love, combined into an intoxicating mess processed by a childish mind, was the last time she could remember true, unadulterated happiness. She had been happy.
Was this happiness a side effect of the pheromone? Maybe. Possibly. Likely.
Thue buried her face in the comforters. Every scientific bone in her body seethed with disgust at the idea of not knowing. However, she had no intentions to look into it.
She'd rather hope it was true, science and reason be damned.
The stupid things you consider when emotion strikes.
Sometimes - and hru'ri'ranov would kill me if she had ever heard me utter such a thing in my life - sometimes I do rather envy the Vulcans. Only just barely, and only when something really hurts me. What hurt me this time was unusual as I sit back and review it, because it was my joy that was so difficult to contend with.
On Eledri Prime I made a decision that during our last few days, when I was proper on 'leave' and Ahnar and I could sneak away to the Zaldo's beach-house for some much needed celebration. I stopped taking the pheromone inhibitor hyposprays given to me by Doctor Pohl. As Ahnar was well enough in control of his faculties and I was on a real holiday, short as it was, I thought it would be a wonderful little experiment. It was.
The Eledri pheromone is very strong. I've heard it affects different off-worlders and different individuals differently. For me, it brought me to a state of emotional joy and mental certainty I've not been since I was a young child. Clarity of purpose and the ability to truly revel in my basest emotions without the past weighing me down.
It is quite the past.
That is what I've been unable to truly vocalize to any other but myself and why I write it here. For a brief time, none of those evils mattered. Not the lives I destroyed, the souls I tortured or the weapons I gave life to. NONE of that was sitting at the back of my mind, ready to remind me that perhaps I shouldn't do this or don't you remember when you last did that think about it twice you cu
>>manual text input stardate 93139.2
I'm not going to delete that last one for evidence of what I mean.
So the transition off of those pheromones was massively painful for me. I attempted not to let it show through but it's rather what textbook withdrawal is, from my time seeing prisoners undergo it. It was hard for those few I trust not to notice.
Consideration was desperately made toward breeding Eledri cells into a Caracal, to synthesizing pheromones to allow myself to escape the things that truly press on me. I was very nearly there. Truly I still wonder if I shouldn't do it. I know though, were I to allow myself to, I might turn into the very thing I despise in people.
I might go rather weak.
So it's gone now. Ahnar and I have had the paper released. My wording has ruffled some Yyaio feathers over possible 'Imperialism' but that was expected. They're stodgy.
Now, with baited breath, we wait. I return to my duties, he to his. We wait to see how Command will respond, depending on how scientific minds from mol'Rihan respond. If they respond.
I was told it was 'very good' to see me so happy as I was on pheromones. It would be nice to one day be able to 'absolve' myself of my 'sins' to borrow Sara's religious expression as a turn of phrase. It would be very nice indeed. This may be the first step.
Or it was just a jaunt with a bit of fun. We'll find out.
It's been a year since our run-in with Q. Was taking some time, and wondered how you've been doing recently. The galaxy's been treating you well, I hope?
Best wishes,
-Caelan Hartman
I hadn't thought about the idiocy that voidling subjected us to for...quite a while.
Caelan was an interesting man. Sahraen's friend, a Lieutenant Commander I...think. Very quiet. That he would remember and consider contacting me touches me. I responded but I'm curious as to whether or not he'll respond...I suppose he may, being he contacted me.
What an awful time that was. I thought for certain we were doomed to death. Even, at the end of it all, when I confronted the voidling bastard to make sure he knew that Romulans are not his pawns, I expected to be struck down. Perhaps turned into a e'pohh - I heard they can do that - but in the end I came out none worse for the wear.
Except another affair to mark on my 'bedpost' as it were.
You know I was unfaithful to Vorras remarkably often. It's a good mark on Ahnar I've not yet been so to him and haven't so much as considered it, to the chagrin of some people I consider friends.
I know Tilly's off on a patrol and doing most likely quite well. She was giddy, as this will be her first time truly commanding a ship. I told her she'll do fine. She will.
Nymas showed up.
I hadn't expected that. No one had, least of all him.
Once I caught sight of him, it surprised me just how happy I was to see him. I believe he may be as well, though perhaps I've become more comfortable in vocalizing such things since being with Ahnar. He's kept up on my career and even seemed to be well aware of Ahnar's background and place of birth. It's touching really, knowing that he's spied on me this whole time.
Little Alphonse is doing well, though he's not so little anymore. I've never met the boy at an age where I know for sure he can remember me. By the time his memory was advanced enough, he was in stasis so often to try and slow down the process that I'm not certain he has any recollection of myself. That's fine. On hearing of how well he's now doing, though, I do wish I knew him. It was my hope perhaps he was still on Sol, perhaps I could meet him on our trip, but it seems he's off on assignment somewhere. Some ship called the 'Havoc'.
I'll have to ask Sara and Nymas more about him when they emerge from the Axiom in what, three days time?
It's good to see them so happy.
Sounds like Sara won't stop calling Ahnar 'Ugly-Nymas' anytime soon, though. We'll work on that.
I'm considering very carefully accepting Nymas' help. At the end of it all, I'd rather Ahnar and I not end up further beholden to s'Lhaihtrha. It rather seems the entire contingent here is, in one way or another.
We deserve our own name. Our own power.
That may require some things I'm not used to or entirely comfortable doing. If it can happen with little fuss as we ride out the small celebrity in the scientific and diplomatic communities we're currently experiencing it may be the best course of action. There's hesitancy, of course. Without full, proper plans in place something could go wrong.
But, simply, I'm not sure how much I can push s'Xereth to mean anything without actions like he's offering to assist me in setting up. If I can't manage it without returning to my name, then it won't be worth it at all.
I'm really not being useful typing this out though, am I.
Ahnar and I spoke last night regarding Nymas' offer.
It
well
I suppose all things considered it could have gone far worse.
He was ... insulted, I think, for me. He found the offer insulting to my potential ability to raise s'Xereth to prominence in the future.
The conversation was hindered by my inability to really express myself well. To the man I want to give children to someday, I still can't accurately express my desires and concerns and that is a problem.
Ahnar would be willing to go along if I had desired it. After seeing the look of disappointment on his face, after truly thinking about what that means, I couldn't consider it. It was something I would've only done if he wished me to. I should've known he'd not have liked the thought, but in my mind it was dishonest to keep the offer from him.
What did he say...
Something like, "Kererek's a name, but D'Tan was just a sewer boy. We'll work it out."
The more I consider how deeply he respects me, the more I wonder if I'm truly worthy of it. He's no saint, as Tilly said, as she's known him longer than I. Still, I feel as if perhaps I really will never 'deserve' what he gives me.
It was a thoughtful offer Nymas made, though. Even if it may now put e'lev at odds with him.
Ahnar and I went on minutes later to deliver our presentation and debate, and we blew them away, but heavens.
...what do I do?
I went through the rest of our leave not telling Ahnar. He's getting insistent though because he knows something is wrong. This almost ruined him, too, so we'll have to have a real talk.
It's not necessarily good amusement most of the time. Not the sort that makes you laugh out of joy but when the laughter does come it's based in confusion or astonishment. The amusement at the absurdity of it all. Still it can be entertaining and ensures that you remain ever alert and on your toes. It's exhausting but it's life, I suppose.
It seems likely that the 'Wing-Commander' is actually T'aev and not a clone we had missed. This is good. It's absurd to say, because it means that I had a mentally ill man who has every reason to wish me dead accosted by Remans. Being him, though, means that the burden of my past misdeeds feels slightly less heavy.
I also recognize that this is idiotic. It should make me feel worse. It should make me as angry as it has Nymas. How did they find him, what did they do to gain access to him? His location was known by few, secure under Nymas' watch. Yet, he was compromised.
In the midst of all that's happened, for the length of our stay on Sol, I didn't speak of it to Ahnar. We enjoyed ourselves but I continued to refuse to address what happened. In a way I suppose I was hoping the pain I was feeling would subside, that perhaps he'd return to not wanting to know of my past and we could continue on obliviously.
By the time we returned to station I'd gone away from him as much as possible. I've been sleeping exclusively in my own quarters, avoiding his eyes, and he noticed. He clearly noticed.
In the end I don't know what I feared. It's obvious I feared rejection, that was hyperbolic. I mean I should not have feared. I allowed the worry to put me in a state where I was almost begging for rejection. He knows now of my activities aboard the Vigilant and what I did to T'aev. He doesn't know more than he needed to, but, he knows.
He remained a solid wall for me to lean on through it. I expected comfort in a more physical sense, but looking at it now - after the emotion subsided - he gave me precisely what I needed. A firm, frustrated and quiet reprimand - "So stop underestimating me."
And he's right. I do. I fly into silent panic anytime I fear my past may come up, that he may see it. That he will think I'm going to betray him like Kirina did, see that I'm too much of an awful person for him to handle. I know better. He deserves that, the trust to be able to make that decision. I'm useless as a partner if I'm unable to stand beside him and fully understand that.
They're flying Republic flags in the street on Eledri Prime. Their ministry is under fire politically, and their religion is potentially upended. We've had a massive effect on life for billions of people. Still, I sit here fussing over the few monstrous activities I did. s'Lhaihtrha and s'Neral are being targeted through us. We've had an impact on more than I can still precisely understand.
He understood. I should have trusted he would. Still he refused to join me on Aensai, though once this experience is over (he said he wanted to show Nymas he's 'not a wuss', a measure I didn't advise but I'm not the sort to bother coming between two men being overtly masculine. this is a fight I could not win) he is quite serious in quartering himself aboard the Aensai.
We sat and drank and talked.
How much more pleasant this amusement suddenly is.
