Valore's Assorted Monologues

[Valore]

“Ensign Sovum, I need to know what you did after I gave you that phaser. Did everything proceed nominally or was I too flexible in my orders?” The Vulcanoid shook her head.

“Computer, disregard dictation.”

Valore paced around around her office at full speed, filled with nervous energy that refused to be dispelled.

“Ensign Sovum, as the ranking Starfleet officer on the previous mission, I would care to receive an accurate and full report with regards to all occurrences once the operations group diverged into two. It is standard procedure and I require it to submit a final report to the Admiralty.”

Valore moved her hands through her hair, scratching her head.

“Computer, discard previous dictation.”

Valore approached the window, staring out at the stars.

“Ensign Sovum, I am concerned about behavior I noticed in yourself prior to my departure with Commander Nathes to acquire the VIP. I understand that the instructions I posed unto you were broad to award flexibility. I would care to know how they were interpreted for my own personal knowledge and feedback.”

A frown pulled in the corner of Valore’s mouth. She turned around, folding her arms closely. “Computer, discard previous draft.”

“Ensign Sovum, an important query has come to my attention. I pride myself on my ability at foresight, and I am of the opinion that it has not failed me. Rather, another resurfacing problem has made itself clear to me.”

Valore approached the desk in the office, increasing the speed of her stride until her shoe connected with it, kicking the side of the desk.

“That I am a moron!” she called out angrily to her desk, ignoring the pain in her foot for now. “Beyond moronic! Loxton’s probably furious after I took my ire out on him.” She shut her eyes, slamming her palm against the desk. “Damnit!” she cried out, kicking the desk again. Valore turned around, sliding onto the floor against the desk. “Cowardice. Unbelievable. It is the one trait I cannot tolerate in others, and yet I succumb to it the moment I take charge. I cannot even articulate the disappointment I have for myself.” She sighed, rubbing her eyes and looking at the ceiling.

“I could see it in her eyes. Hear it in her speech. And I give her a phaser and try to be flexible. I saw the pain of that place reflected on her face and yet I ignored it. That’s not what one does in that situation. It is beyond shameful. I cannot help but feel as though I truly have a singular neuron. Of course, I already went through doubt. But I’m -not- crazy.” she spoke to herself, not fully believing her own statements. “Nathes believed me. She saw for herself what I was concerned about. I think I-” she interrupted her own speech, clasping a fist against a palm together, bringing the clasped hands to her lips.

“I’m an idiot. It was in front of me this entire time, how did I miss this?” She sighed. “A Romulan has substantially more moral authority over the Ensign than anyone else.” Valore slowly rose to her feet, grabbing at the desk suddenly. Apparently kicking desks is bad for one’s ability to stand. “Endorphins, do not fail me now.” she muttered, moving over to the window. “I’m going to put my soul into this and discover that I’m just a moron and it’s all in my head. And then I’ll have to apologize to Loxton for spilling a milkshake on him.”

She sighed, resting her forehead against the glass of the window.

“Computer, disregard previous dictations.”

She sighed and muttered out her statement.

“Ensign Sovum, it has come to my attention that I have failed you…”

[Valore]

Approaching is what I unflinchingly refer to as my least favorite time of year. Though the sentence implies that it still holds some favor with me, which is categorically false. Risa is more of a parasite than a tumor, as those around me feel the need to defend it upon feeling its infection.

At least it allows me some distance from everything. Everyone I see is off to make plans for the vacation, or to meet with their fellow cohorts and act in ways that would be impermissible absent the locale and the copious amounts of intoxication. I prefer my solitude. With the noise I am surrounded with on the day-to-day, keeping an eye on all things at all times, it would be beneficial for some degree of detachment. Nothing too long, though - lest the feeling of being overwhelmed is substituted with the feeling of loneliness. Though I wonder if it will only exacerbate the current issue.

Over the last two years, I have felt a sense of desensitization. As much effort as I have placed into what I do, it all rings hollow to me. What I sought to achieve in a sense of morality now feels empty. I have always had to rely upon myself for drive, as it only gets worse when I look towards others.

My own reputation is meaningless to me. Let people love me or hate me as they will, it changes little in a galaxy that survives on hierarchy and need. Honor has always been little more of a joke to me, something to be exploited in others rather than for me to care for. Starfleet, and perhaps the Federation as a whole, lost my loyalty some time ago. The things I saw Konieczko do, the things I did myself when I still felt endeared to the cause - admittedly I still have difficulty sleeping at times. Nobody has to know about that part, though. Particularly not Alina, who had taken up my sleep schedule as her own personal crusade.

Speaking of Alina, the notice of the upcoming karaoke night had seemingly been taken up by many. She had asked me to assist in the logistics just as I had done before and yet it is on the road to success without my doing. I suppose I could always take credit for it. Of those I would least suspect, Commander Nathes apparently has been assigned ‘mandatory fun’ to Risa by Miral. None of this surprises me. Nathes is too diligent and Miral is too committed to life outside of his work for this to have gone in any other way. And she has already been recruited to karaoke when she came to speak with me. It seems as though everything is already falling into place.

I have noticed a change in our relationship as of late. Where before, I would look up to her as someone who had faced adversity and found the right path - made the right decisions - now I cannot help but feel as though our relationship has reversed. She is a very emotional person, and those feelings point her towards righteousness just as much as facts point to truth. We both have a fire in our hearts towards the injustices of the galaxy, though mine is more hidden in a sense. Surrounded by facts and logic, and realized by a certain cold meticulousness I have always relied upon to get me results. Perhaps that is why she conflated such a state with what she perceived as resignation on my part. Yet my ends remain eternal, it is the means by which I operate that I feel are changing. Perhaps I am becoming more bold. Or reckless.

Where I used to seek Nathes’ counsel, I feel that now I am the one sought for advice or comprehension. It is not a circumstance I find to be negative, rather the opposite. I appreciate the opportunity to offer my counsel where it may find use. Her’s is not the only following I have gained over the years. The people whom I surround myself with, those whom I trust with my life, they make the galaxy all the more bearable. I only hope their trust is not misplaced.

With preparations for Risa underway, I will do what I usually have done. Focus on fleet morale and raise it where necessary. I will remain separated from the cacophony of jubilation as usual. Emotions are not facts, and the only facts that matter are results.

This thought process was… admittedly more optimistic than I expected.