Personal Log: Ann Carter

Stardate 92569.8
Audio Entry

Ahem. this thing on?

So...I really should've thought this over shouldn't I? I dunno what I'm doing, but everybody around me seems to keep one of those log things, so thought I'd get into the habit. Blend in, or somethin'. Wait, no, nobody's supposed to see this anyways. Accidentally read some bloke's log last year and he got real angry. Don't see why, it was just somethin' about obsessing over some ragza or other.

Ha. I'd like to see how he'd react to a scorpion sting. Don't get me wrong, these folks are nice, but some of 'em are a little too spoiled.

Right. Back on topic. I lost too many marks for goin' off track. Not that this is getting marked. I don't really know how this works, actually. Probably shoulda asked, but oh well, I like to spare the talkin' and go ahead and just do things. I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. I always have.

Never kept any logs when I was in the desert. Never kept track of anythin', actually. Survival's a day-by-day activity. Never looked back, never looked ahead. Didn't even know if there's gonna be anything to look ahead towards. That's all different now. Everybody talks about their future around here, how they wanna be a bigshot cap'n like Kirk and Picard and all those people we read about in history class.

Y'know, Kirk's been to Paradise once. For someone who grew up on Earth he sure seems like he'd fit in pretty well with us wastelanders. Woulda liked to meet him, wouldn't wanna be him, though. Brawling with giant lizards...ain't exactly my sorta pastime.

Back. On. Topic. What was I talkin' about again?

Oh yeah. Futures. I suppose I got as much to look forward to as everyone in the Federation now. I don't have to focus on staying alive as much. I got a life to actually do somethin' with. I ain't sure what exactly that'll be, but guess that's one of the reasons I'm doing the log thing.

Hey, I actually found a good reason!

So, what to do? There sure are a lotta choices now that I'm out of the desert. I just know that I wanna do some good. Make a difference, like the people who got me off Nimbus. I don't think I'll ever be able to pay 'em back, but I can do what they did for me, for other people. That's why I'm here. In Starfleet, on a ship goin' to the other side of the quadrant from anything I've ever known.

Most cadets don't choose to do this, but as I said, I like to do things rather than listen to some old prof lecture about 'em. They say it ain't gonna be easy. But nothin' ever is. I survived the wasteland. I fought off scorpions and dodged Aehallh worms. Y'know what I say to the final frontier?

Bring it on.
Stardate 92683.6
Audio Entry

So, uhh...I think I just made a friend.

Quiet laughter.

Okay, that sounded a bit ridiculous. I mean, I got friends. I had people to hang out with back on Earth, people who'd help me pass my tests an' all. Most of the Federation folks are nice, always willin' to offer a helpin' hand and not the type to stab ya in the back. Sure, there's some crazy razo goin' on 'round the station right now, but nothin' compared to what I've seen.

Yeah...gettin' help I'm no stranger to. Haven't had anyone ask me to watch their back in a long time, though. I try to help or least be nice to people who's helped me out, but it's never been an actual agreement or anythin', not since -

I don't wanna think about that. It ain't like that out here, not even close. It's not that I don't trust other people, it's that I'm...I'm just not sure I'm up to it. I've helped people before, sure. Tore scorpions off 'em and fought off thugs. An' sometimes that kinda help's needed; even the cap'n agrees with that.

But I can't do the things the officers do, the things when they sit down, have a chat with somebody an' all of a sudden they feel better or realize the meanin' of life or somethin'. That's what friends are for, right? There's only so many people that needs whackin' out here, most don't need defendin', just feelin' safe.

Oh I'm thinkin' waaaay too much into this, aren't I?


I know people just say to be yourself, but if I did that I'd still be some loner from the wasteland. They're right, it's part o' who I am. But I don't wanna let it define me. I wanna be more than just 'that desert gal.' I wanna be...hmm..."that Starfleet hero who saved the whole crew," no wait, "saved Earth from an entire invasion fleet!"


Maybe someday! Guess I'll just have to give things my best shot for the time bein'. With a Vulcan boss, not like I got much of a chance to slack off anyways...
Stardate 92771.2
Audio Entry

Razo...I messed up bad.

Quiet sigh.

So, I almost blew up everybody that's come to trust me.

Dunno what I was thinkin', I was always terrible at fiddlin' with guns. Last time I tried I nearly lost my own hand. Guess I was too desperate and ain't thinkin'.

Doc says they'll all be fine, an' I didn't do it on purpose. But that ain't an excuse. I shoulda been smarter, shoulda known this kinda thing would happen. People I can trust ain't somethin' I come by easily, an' now I just botched it all up. I know wha' it's like, to have somebody you thought ya could trust try to stab ya in the back. I knew it was probably outta desperation but I can never forgive 'em.

There's a thousand things I coulda done differently. I know mistakes happen, but I nearly messed up the whole damn thing, gotten everybody on the ship killed. That ain't somethin' people'll forgive. That ain't somethin' I can forgive.

Fvadt, I came out here to help people, not get more people killed! Especially not people on my own side.

Long silence.

Least I haven't been kicked outta Starfleet, whatever comfort that brings.
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Stardate 92817.6
Audio Entry

Dunno wha' got into me. Old habits die hard, I guess. I gotta stop thinkin' like I'm still in the wasteland or somethin'.

So...yeah. Kinda freaked out seein' an Orion at the bar last night. I know, it's against everythin' I've learned in the Federation, 'bout not judging folks by their species, and they were pretty right. She's nothin' like the thugs back in Paradise and she ain't one of those sick Syndicate degos either.

Poor fella's just as much o' a victim as everybody else bein' stepped on by those people. She's probably seen more hell than I ever have. I've been through a lotta times when I lost control, when I was forced to do wha' other folks wanted me to do. But thirteen straight years o' that? I can't even imagine how anybody could live through that.

I always had a choice between fightin' or givin' up. I ain't proud o' the things I did, an' now I often wonder if I made a good choice, if fightin' to save my own neck was really worth all the people that's died or been hurt 'cause o' me. But I've always had a choice, y'know. And ya don't get that choice with a slave collar 'round your neck.

Brief silence.

Well, good thing she gets why I looked at her the way I did. Still wasn't fair to her but least we're on good terms now. She seems friendly an' nice, too. Part o' me really wants to help her, but we're both outta the pit now; ain't much left for me to help with.

Oh I wish I was better at the talkin' sorta help.

But there's still millions o' folks out there with collars 'round their neck. That I know how to help with. That's why I'm out here.
Stardate 92849.4
Audio Entry

Well, that was one real nice day.

Never thought I'd be good at Velocity. Hell, when I was first introduced to it by some other cadets back on Earth I was target practice for 'em. Suppose all tha' phaser trainin's comin' in handy. I just gotta remember not to try an' fix one...cause tha' always ends with blowin' up for some reason.

She chuckles.

I've been practicin' that bit too. Think I'm gettin' the hang o' things.

Had a nice lil chat after the game too. It feels good to talk with someone who gets ya, who knows wha' you're talkin' 'bout just as well as ya do yourself. Been a long time since I met anybody like that. I guess it's been a lonely couple o' years.

Lonely's a good thing, though. That's why I chose to go out into the desert in the first place. Lennie knows me better than anyone else I've come 'cross in the Federation, but I don't think she's right 'bout the whole 'meetin' the right person' thing. I guess she's got a point, there's plenty o' folks I get along with an' like hangin' around. Like, uhh...her.

But it ain't about the right person. It's about me. I ain't the right person. If some 'right person' comes along, no way I'd trust myself with 'em. Somebody like Lennie, they deserve better. Me? I'm better off alone.

This is wha' I am. This is wha' I have to be 'cause o' what I've done.

Short pause.

Right. I should think 'bout brighter things; no point in messin' up a good day by goin' to the past. Well, this is kinda related to the past, but...Tess an' Nirali are thinkin' o' adoptin' a kid from Nimbus. It's a great thing they're doin'. It's only one kid, but every life counts, and bein' one o' the few who grew up in the wasteland an' found my way out, I can really appreciate it.

Knowin' that somebody else's gonna get a second chance...that's a nice thought to end the day with.
Stardate 92854.7
Audio Entry

Music plays softly in the background.

That went well!

She exhales quietly.

Visitin' the past ain't easy, but I guess Thue was right after all. I dunno how to explain it, but it's...weirdly refreshin', knowin' tha' someone knows ya for who ya really are. Been a long time since somebody's understood me, who I am, wha' I've done, why I did it. Well, 'cept the telepaths tha' read me o' course but that doesn't count. That's cheatin'.


But she doesn't just understand me. Understandin's one thing. I understand why these little bashwaiyn sold me out to the slavers. I've been through the same hell they have and I'll be lyin' if I said I haven't done some real bad things too for my own skin. But understandin' didn't stop me from shootin' a disruptor into his chest. Understandin' didn't stop me from hatin' 'em all these years.

Nah, she doesn't just understand me. She accepts me too, an' everythin' I've done. That's somethin' I wouldn'ta expect from anybody 'round here. I mean, defendin' yourself's legal in the Federation an' all but it ain't always so simple. Sometimes ya gotta think, 'bout wha' you're doin', 'bout how it's gonna ruin somebody else. I never used to do that.

Lennie gets it though, in a way few others 'round here do. She knows wha' it's like to live like that. It's kinda scary in a way. Reminds me 'bout my days in Paradise, an' we all know how that ended. But I suppose there's no reason to think the same'll happen here in the Federation.

Besides, this bond we got is too much to give up. Much as I thought trustin' other street kids was a mistake, I woulda never made it without stickin' with 'em, 'specially when I was younger. Folks like us, we gotta stick together. This ain't the wasteland, but it's still got plenty o' dangers to it, that's for sure.
Stardate 92878.3
Audio Entry


Been a lil busy the last few days, but now tha' I'm calmin' down, though I'd record this. So'd I say this?

I'm goin' back. Just for a bit o' course, to help Tess an' Nirali with the whole adoption thing. Really just to make sure nothin' goes wrong, ain't sure how much help I'll be for the other stuff.


Yeah, I know. I think I'm crazy too. Who'd wanna go back to the wasteland after finally gettin' away? 'Cept that Reman trader Tazeila I met a couple o' days ago, but I guess she's got reasons, 'specially in her line o' work. An' even then she's only gone back once.

It ain't the danger I'm 'fraid of. I'm goin' with two Starfleet officers an' a Federation reporter who used to be Starfleet. We can handle ourselves, an' if things go south the Federation'll probably lend a hand.

Raiders an' slavers don't scare me. It's me tha' scares me. Wha' I was back when I was there. Bein' there again in tha' place...I dunno wha' it's gonna do to me. I dunno wha' I'll become.

Good thing Lennie'll be comin' with me. She'll watch me while I watch everyone else's back. Got no idea wha' I'll do without her...I can't even sleep without her help.

More chuckling, then a quiet sigh.

I used to do these kinda things alone. But I ain't gonna lie...I'll need all the help I can get to face this. I just hope they don't end up like some o' the other folks who I used to hang 'round with. That'll be the worst way to repay 'em. Speakin' of repayin'...

Nah, tha' ain't how folks think here. We'll be doin' good, an' it'll be worth it in the end. I'll figure everythin' else out sooner or later. Right now I just gotta focus on doin' wha' we're goin' to do.