“The… situation with Isohlah is actually really bothering me.”
The two of them were sharing an armchair in one of the embassy deck’s more isolated anterooms. Matt sat comfortably reclined, his arm extended around Katriel as she was curled up against his side. They were both watching the giant fish tank and its occupants like it was the most interesting sort of television.
“Oh? How so?”
“Well, besides the fact that he’s a good friend and a boss that I’m really comfortable with… a lot of people have been expecting me to apply for his position.” Katriel recalled her conversations with Caspius, Emery, Dmitri, and a non-negligible number of departmental colleagues with consternation. Even Neema had brought it up, though she had not been surprised by Katriel’s disinterest.
“Ahhh… well, that is quite the compliment. It shows how highly they think of you and your abilities,” Matt remarked.
She was silent for a moment as she digested that. To this day, Matt continued to surprise her with his alternative, and frequently optimistic, perspective. It was always a welcome kind of startlement that often forced her to consider things in a new way. “It is a bit flattering, I suppose,” she conceded. “But … frustrating, too.”
“Because you don’t want that job.”
“Yeah, I don’t.”
Matt shifted his arm a little so he could rub her shoulder. “Are you… frustrated because you think you might be letting them down? Or that they will think less of you?”
“Both, definitely. I’m almost positive Isohlah is … a little angry at me.” Her tone had quieted in discomfort.
“I suppose it is a bit understandable. He wants his most trusted staff member to take the job. You can’t blame him for wanting that. To the same, he certainly doesn’t blame you for wanting what you want. And I’m sure he understands that. He’s a psychologist, for crying out loud.”
He smirked at the observation. Katriel chuckled weakly.
"I know. I just… I don’t like to disappoint him, but his job is so hard. There’s a constant pressure to live up to expectations and a need to balance what command wants versus what your subordinates want. There’s all these decisions you have to make and … they all have to be made immediately or soon, because someone else is probably waiting for an answer before they can do any of their own work.”
She kept going as one thought seemed to inspire another. “Often you have to deal with people who think you’re the only one who can answer their questions. Or sometimes you find out two weeks late that people who should have come to you about something didn’t and now there’s a mess to clean up.”
She paused for breath. Matt waited.
"And I don’t like how … power and authority changes the way people relate to you. Interpersonal interactions are hard enough between peers, but throw the ‘boss’ title in there and it just gets worse. Some people start tiptoeing around you so you don’t get upset or they try so hard to impress you that they stop being who they really are. They stop disagreeing with you because they think your ideas are automatically somehow better. Or other people who just try to curry favor and pretend they like you when they really just hope to cash in a favor some day.
“And! And… being a leader also means you’re fair game as a topic for teasing or gossip behind closed doors. Everything you say or do is scrutinized and then used in judgement against you. Of course some people will like and support your opinions, but there’ll always be a few others who think you’re just being political or you’re playing favorites and abusing your position and that you don’t deserve to be there.”
Matt could feel her fingers clenched on his shirt. He squeezed her gently closer with his arm and felt her tension drop in response.
“… also, I hate repeating myself,” she finished after a moment.
“Hrmmm, what was that? I didn’t hear you?”
“I said, I hate repea-- … hey!”
He let off a short laugh as she caught on and leaned in to kiss her cheek in affectionate apology. Katriel gave a mollified grump and sighed. “Am I just making up all these scenarios, then? All of these imagined fears about leadership responsibilities?” she asked.
Matt shook his head. “Leadership is an art, not a science. There is no way you will always know what to do in every scenario. You do the best you can and try to remember that, even when you’re the leader, there are still things that are outside your control.”
Katriel fell quiet, contemplating that. For someone with her level of curiosity and perfectionist tendencies, the acceptance of things as being just-the-way-they-are was often a difficult undertaking. This time seemed as though it would be no different.
“Is there any part of you that wants the job, at all?” Matt asked. He’d stopped watching the fish and was watching her instead, threading his fingers in her hair and running them smoothly through. Katriel enjoyed the attention while she considered her answer.
“No, there really isn’t. But I … do wonder a bit if…” she strained for a moment as she puzzled out what she wanted to say. “Sometimes I wonder if I don’t want the job because I’m not interested, or if I’m not interested because I don’t think I’m … ready.”
“Well… wanting a leadership position is part of being ready for it. I mean,” he turned a smile on her, “I definitely know – and I think you do, too – that you could do the job and do it well. But if you don’t want it, there’s no shame in letting it go by. No good leader or officer would hold that against you and neither will any of your friends here. At the end of the day, you are still out here doing good work with and for your department, and the Federation. And that matters way more than any job title or special position.”
Katriel looked visibly reassured at these reminders. She settled more snugly into Matt’s embrace. “Thank you,” she said quietly.
“You are most welcome.”
((Backdated by… about four days.))
