Spoiler: Summa Theologica, Question 168. Modesty as consisting in the outward movements of the bodyShow
Thomas Aquinas wrote:
Article 4. Whether there is a sin in lack of mirth? Objection 3. Further, Andronicus counts austerity to be one of the virtues, and he describes it as a habit whereby a man neither gives nor receives the pleasures of conversation. Now this pertains to the lack of mirth. Therefore the lack of mirth is virtuous rather than sinful.
On the contrary, The Philosopher (Ethic. ii, 7; iv, 8) reckons the lack of mirth to be a vice.
I answer that, In human affairs whatever is against reason is a sin. Now it is against reason for a man to be burdensome to others, by offering no pleasure to others, and by hindering their enjoyment. Wherefore Seneca says : "Let your conduct be guided by wisdom so that no one will think you rude, or despise you as a cad." Now a man who is without mirth, not only is lacking in playful speech, but is also burdensome to others, since he is deaf to the moderate mirth of others. Consequently they are vicious, and are said to be boorish or rude, as the Philosopher states .
Since, however, mirth is useful for the sake of the rest and pleasures it affords; and since, in human life, pleasure and rest are not in quest for their own sake, but for the sake of operation, it follows that "lack of mirth is less sinful than excess thereof." Hence the Philosopher says: "We should make few friends for the sake of pleasure, since but little sweetness suffices to season life, just as little salt suffices for our meat." Reply to Objection 3. Austerity, as a virtue, does not exclude all pleasures, but only such as are excessive and inordinate; wherefore it would seem to pertain to affability, which the Philosopher (Ethic. iv, 6) calls "friendliness," or eutrapelia, otherwise wittiness. Nevertheless he names and defines it thus in respect of its agreement with temperance, to which it belongs to restrain pleasure.
I've been spending a lot of time lately on the Summa Theologica again. Aquinus' conclusions resonate with me, even when I don't agree with them. The time I've been spending reading him lately, this is where I've been getting a lot of my guided introspection. More than the Holy Book itself recently, which is a bit weird to say. Leading up to leave I thought I'd focus on this stuff.
My life's sorting. I've got that fourth pip, the one I've always dreamed of having. Though Sadia and I ended things, it's not bad. It's good. We're moving through that and there's a feeling of love between us - it's a friendly love, but it's love. Thank God it's something I've been lucky enough to have happen. The men and women who leave my life romantically, wish to remain in my life platonically.
In my understanding that isn't usually the case. So, I do count myself blessed.
For the first time in years, Risa feels good. It feels promising, fresh, a place where I can really rejuvenate. Move my life forward. Two years ago, I came here after losing Janus, embittered and hollow. I had little help from Fleet command. Risa was a place of despair for the first time in my life. Last year, I watched officers my junior in age and experience promoted past me for reasons I don't want to fully explain here again, but it was depression that set in there.
This year has been both exciting and tragic. Removing myself from command of Baldur and accepting a downgrade in a command position for a larger, social posting proved to be the best decision I could have made. I made a good friend in Andre, then lost that friend to monsters trying to kill researchers for what amounts to a disagreement with their faith's doctrine.
If I could have Andre back and return to my rank of Commander, I would. That won't happen. That's the reason I don't regret my promotion. I know it's well earned, well deserved and a long time coming. I'm a humble man but I know when things should happen and to whom, and for now my time to suffer unnecessarily has passed. I've been blessed, like I wrote before.
So, rented a nice little suite on the opposite coast away from the fleet holdings - just in case I feel a need for separation. I intend to find happiness in ways I can, now, and relax. Caspius is a capable officer and a man I can trust. For the first time in years, I can relax here on Risa and really enjoy myself. Find some time with a mokapelo, or just laze in the sun and keep on with my reading. Maybe a little of all of it.
Put my back out the other night. I'd rather not say how, but it was really funny to see the contrast between how young this trip has made me feel and how my body's reminding me that no matter how well I've taken care of it, maybe I'm just not as spry as I once was.
My days have been almost kind of alternating between intense, wild days and quiet, peaceful ones. After the night that led to me going to the clinic, I haven't really gone other places. Hit the market. Today, I spent the day on a grassy outcropping over the beach near the fleet's resort. Reading and napping.
Soon, though, off into the jungle for that trip to the lagoon. Really going to enjoy this one.
The "I wish I was back at work" boredom hasn't set in, yet. I'll be interested to see when that hits this year. Maybe it won't. I have a lot to keep me occupied, after all.
Today it's back to DS13. It's going to be good to go home. It's going to be a little harder to give up the freedom of spending extra time with friends, or not wearing pants or a shirt (ha) but that's the price of the job and getting back to work is going to be kind of comforting.
It's really had to remain calm about the bracelet that Seres woman took. Been praying a lot about my feelings on that. The anger I felt when I realized it had been stolen and she tried to sell it and then refused to back off...? God help me I was ready to lay her out. I haven't been that furious since I faced off with Admiral Romar - and this one could have gotten me in just as much trouble.
Hell by the time Dmitri called me to come back, Tilly was about ready to do the same.
It's not about the latinum, it's not even about the sense of violation. All of that can be forgiven, those are just concepts and ideas, but I had plans for that bracelet. It meant something to me and I was hoping it was going to mean something when and admittedly if I gave it to her. I haven't mentioned what was stolen because I wasn't even sure if it was a good idea. Too soon, that sort of thing. So I'm going to have to wait. I have faith in Federation security and that they'll get it back for me. I have to believe they will.
Time to get started on breakfast. One last night in paradise behind me; time to make breakfast and enjoy the last morning. This Risa trip is one of the best times I've had in years. Years and years. Do I hear mimosas?
Note to self: When this is done and we're back on ship, time to get Drei's new position on-file and figure out the COO situation.
Tau appears despondent, as the video opens. he is sitting on a couch, hands folded, from between them a string of dark blue beads swinging with his slight movements. the man looks at the camera, then shakes his head, hanging it again.
Don't know I can do it right now. We knew it might end up this way, but I was optimistic. Maybe once in my life that the organization I serve wouldn't get in the way of my romantic satisfaction. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. It makes the bracelet going missing hurt all the more, because it was supposed to be ... it was supposed to be a gift she got while we were both blissful. Just in case.
his voice goes soft and sad
I told her I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not. It's very tiresome, to be so lonely, and at least I know she understands. I just hope that someday we can give this a real try.
>>Recipient: Marea Gomez; Gabane, Botswana, Earth
>Audio transcription
Dumela, Mary.
How have things been? Busy? Look I wanted to apologize. I know you and Tom were looking forward to meeting Sadia, and I'm sure mme and ntate told you by now. It just wasn't working - for me, really.
There are some days I do regret going into Starfleet. What we do is great, but on a personal level it can be really lonely. It's not as easy as just getting on with someone - there's rank and command levels to take into account. Or rules of foreign militaries and cultural clashes, if you end up with someone in an allied military.
Lately I've been thinking about what life would have been like if I had focused on theater. You remember Luke? I bet we'd still be together. That guy was my life, back then and he's the first one I lost to 'career and duty'. It's happened a few times now.
Just know how blessed you and Tomas are. It makes me so happy to know my little sister's always going to be taken care of - and that you don't have anything getting in your way. If you haven't guessed, your annoyingly-big-hearted tau has fallen for someone else. Already. It's a lot more complicated than in the past though. Following this path might sabotage this someone's career (ohboyohboy) so ... I guess things are on hold until either our positions change or they decide they prefer someone else.
See below for my reasoning. Spent all the free time I had on Risa re-reading Aquinas ... feel free to brag about me to ntate. ;) But know I am happy, okay...? I can endure a hell of a lot. Don't worry about me.
Either way it works out, it feels worth it. Might be good for your big brother to slow down a little.
"Fortitude is particularly about fears: fears lead to flight, and that is just what fortitude avoids. But patience is rather about annoyances, griefs, and sadnesses: for a man is called patient, not because he does not fly, but because he behaves himself commendably in suffering present hurts without inordinate sadness. And therefore fortitude is properly in the irascible faculty, but patience in the concupiscible. Nor does this hinder patience from being a part of fortitude: because the annexation of virtue to virtue is not arranged according to the subject faculty wherein the virtue resides, but according to its matter and form. Patience is particularly about the griefs and annoyances that are caused us by others."
Got something on Risa for the girls, as well as you and Tom.
Hope is I'll be able to come by and deliver it sooner rather than later. We've had some emergencies crop up since our first wave returned from leave so it won't be too soon. Hopefully before Christmas ... and Christmas, at the latest.
I want to spend Christmas at home this year, so I'm going to make that happen. Hold me to that.
Modimo ago segofatse. Love you with all my heart, sister.
Things on starbase have been pretty good since returning from our leave, all things taken into consideration. We suffered the loss of a ship to a possible terrorist attack - maybe you saw the Sirocco covered on GNN. Fifty-one lives were lost but the rest of the survivors are in recovery now and it could have been a lot worse.
I love this station, mme. It's making my personal life a little more difficult - a lot more difficult actually - but you know how I am. That's on me.
Maybe you and ntate could come visit on your next leave, if you have the time? I can't usually get too far from starbase without feeling like I'm shirking my duties, even on official business. I'd come see you but ... well, ha. I'm a Captain now. Still can't believe it. I'd love to show you my command, it's pretty spectacular.
Alistair brought me 500 prisoners. Ops and Security has finally gotten these pirates all stored away, but I really wonder about him. I know Dmitri was present ... see, after the last command meeting I have this feeling Dmitri might be trying to keep his people within sight. It's a miracle he didn't just drop off 500 corpses, so if that's his strategy, I guess it's working?
I've got our poor security staff working long hours but what can you do?
It all stems from the loss of another ship, the Helios. The Admiral and I had a talk about this and there's definitely a lot of concern. Now the October's gone missing, and the last call in point was over 2 weeks ago if I'm remembering right. The area she could have gotten to is too broad for a search. We just kind of have to hope Coby finds his way back and that he also didn't encounter any of the increasing number of hostiles we're running into. He's in my prayers.
Speaking of, miraculously no one died in the incident that got Neema laid up(note: recommend Shiarrael for an award Tau). Tilly and that Terixian governor got hit too, but the Admiral took it the worst. There was a while there none of us knew if she'd make it through surgery or not. She's fine, though, if maybe kind of harried by that Captain Hill.
Who has now decided she's interested in the Admiral.
I could start a gossip column with all the weird things I hear around base.
Last night, Admiral Ashkeph called Rear Admiral Perim and myself into her office. Word came down from Command at Sol that we're to appease the Echometa. We're giving them the Irreo slave children we saved.
I toed the line of insubordination with Ashkeph. I think. Don't remember a lot of what I said, because I was furious. Furious that anyone would think treating children as bartering currency is acceptable, furious it made it this far down the line. Which means it must have come from a high, high level.
I filed a formal protest, then waited for Neema in her office. It got heated. She didn't have my back when dealing with Ashkeph and appears to be willing to do this rather than hurt her career. She knows it's not right, at least I got that much out of it. So she asked me if I was saying she couldn't trust me to carry these orders out.
So, I told her the truth. I told her she couldn't trust me. Which is why I'm on Atlantis, now, leading a useless patrol and the base is under temporary command of my trustworthy Vulcan XO.
I'm not mad at her, I'm not. I was enraged at Ashkeph, but it's not her fault either. Everyone here is scared of what their superior will do to them if they don't do it. Neema put me on a patrol to get me off of the station - Caspius will do what command wants, I'm sure, and she wanted to have someone she could trust to make this go off without a hitch. That's not me.
It's not something to be ashamed of, though. From one perspective the way I acted could be seen as weak, but I have to uphold my standards. After what happened in that Elachi prison I am not willing to sacrifice the potential of a life just to gain a little time. The kids might end up living a decent life on Echomet Prime but that's not the point. The point is that they deserve the chance we promised them, and that's the chance to flourish. That's something they cannot do on that planet.
...and this isn't going to stop their media from attacking us out here. It's going to intensify I bet. They're going to get emboldened by getting what they want. The Zenas Expanse and the Eleventh taught me one thing above all else. One should trust their intuition and their morals when command tells one to do what one knows is wrong. If Neema hadn't taken me off of the station and shuttled me off, would I have interfered...?
Probably. I probably would have leaked to the press. Or done any number of illegal things to do what I know is the right thing to do- which is keep these children in our care. It pains me to admit that because I want to be that trusted officer.
But not at the cost of my soul's integrity.
Admitting that I couldn't be that to my Admiral was painful and embarrassing, regardless of my feelings on the subject. She showed me a mercy that - despite the fact that I can't help now - I appreciate.
Spoiler: Summa Theologica. Question 37. Discord, which is contrary to peaceShow
Article 1. Whether discord is a sin?
Objection 1. It would seem that discord is not a sin. For to disaccord with man is to sever oneself from another's will. But this does not seem to be a sin, because God's will alone, and not our neighbor's, is the rule of our own will. Therefore discord is not a sin.
Objection 2. Further, whoever induces another to sin, sins also himself. But it appears not to be a sin to incite others to discord, for it is written (Acts 23:6) that Paul, knowing that the one part were Sadducees, and the other Pharisees, cried out in the council: "Men brethren, I am a Pharisee, the son of Pharisees, concerning the hope and resurrection of the dead I am called in question. And when he had so said, there arose a dissension between the Pharisees and the Sadducees." Therefore discord is not a sin.
Objection 3. Further, sin, especially mortal sin, is not to be found in a holy man. But discord is to be found even among holy men, for it is written (Acts 15:39): "There arose a dissension" between Paul and Barnabas, "so that they departed one from another." Therefore discord is not a sin. and least of all a mortal sin.
On the contrary, "Dissensions," that is, discords, are reckoned among the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:20), of which it is said afterwards (Galatians 5:21) that "they who do such things shall not obtain the kingdom of God." Now nothing, save mortal sin, excludes man from the kingdom of God. Therefore discord is a mortal sin.
I answer that, Discord is opposed to concord. Now, as stated above (II-II:29:3) concord results from charity, in as much as charity directs many hearts together to one thing, which is chiefly the Divine good, secondarily, the good of our neighbor. Wherefore discord is a sin, in so far as it is opposed to this concord.
But it must be observed that this concord is destroyed by discord in two ways: first, directly; secondly, accidentally. Now, human acts and movements are said to be direct when they are according to one's intention. Wherefore a man directly disaccords with his neighbor, when he knowingly and intentionally dissents from the Divine good and his neighbor's good, to which he ought to consent. This is a mortal sin in respect of its genus, because it is contrary to charity, although the first movements of such discord are venial sins by reason of their being imperfect acts.
The accidental in human acts is that which occurs beside the intention. Hence when several intend a good pertaining to God's honor, or our neighbor's profit, while one deems a certain thing good, and another thinks contrariwise, the discord is in this case accidentally contrary to the Divine good or that of our neighbor. Such like discord is neither sinful nor against charity, unless it be accompanied by an error about things necessary to salvation, or by undue obstinacy, since it has also been stated above (29, 1,3, ad 2) that the concord which is an effect of charity, is union of wills not of opinions. It follows from this that discord is sometimes the sin of one party only, for instance, when one wills a good which the other knowingly resists; while sometimes it implies sin in both parties, as when each dissents from the other's good, and loves his own.
Reply to Objection 1. One man's will considered in itself is not the rule of another man's will; but in so far as our neighbor's will adheres to God's will, it becomes in consequence, a rule regulated according to its proper measure. Wherefore it is a sin to disaccord with such a will, because by that very fact one disaccords with the Divine rule.
Reply to Objection 2. Just as a man's will that adheres to God is a right rule, to disaccord with which is a sin, so too a man's will that is opposed to God is a perverse rule, to disaccord with which is good. Hence to cause a discord, whereby a good concord resulting from charity is destroyed, is a grave sin: wherefore it is written (Proverbs 6:16): "Six things there are, which the Lord hateth, and the seventh His soul detesteth," which seventh is stated (Proverbs 6:19) to be "him that soweth discord among brethren." On the other hand, to arouse a discord whereby an evil concord (i.e. concord in an evil will) is destroyed, is praiseworthy. On this way Paul was to be commended for sowing discord among those who concorded together in evil, because Our Lord also said of Himself (Matthew 10:34): "I came not to send peace, but the sword."
Reply to Objection 3. The discord between Paul and Barnabas was accidental and not direct: because each intended some good, yet the one thought one thing good, while the other thought something else, which was owing to human deficiency: for that controversy was not about things necessary to salvation. Moreover all this was ordained by Divine providence, on account of the good which would ensue.
God help a man like me, give me a day and I realize all of the bad pieces of the good I committed for myself.
I know what I did was right. Lying to my superior officer, lying to an Admiral, lying to Neema - I can't do any of those things. Telling her I was going to something drastic and that she couldn't trust me to back her up on this was the right thing to do. At the same time, it was terrible.
Neither she nor Ashkeph wanted to. I've accepted that they know this is wrong. Perhaps I shouldn't have pushed Neema like I did, it was kind of much. But I was furious. Righteously furious. Righteous is the best word. I haven't felt an anger and a moral outrage like this since the incident with Isawa, back in the camp.
Searching my thoughts now I know that morally, I had no other choice. Those children wished to be here and it breaks my heart to know they won't have what they were promised, no matter how many concessions we may potentially squeeze out of the people who sold them into their pens in the first place. The main thing I've been stuck on is; was it selfish of me to do it?
This is all very wrong and immoral in my eyes. In Neema's eyes. In Ashkeph's eyes. I responded the way any man who respects freedom and his duties could given the situation; but I responded in the way any man who respects these things and is willing to damage his career and sacrifice oversight of the situation. It was right, but was it appropriate? Neema was forced to make a very difficult decision, essentially a punishment.
She was right to do it. Hell she was generous to do it. So, I've been asking myself ... "Was I right to do it?". I know so, in the eyes of what matters most in this life and beyond. But here in this galaxy, now, I'm not sure. I think I may have hurt someone - and now, when she needs friendly support the most and is probably catching hell from all sides - I can't be there to help her. She doesn't need my help, but just, damn. It couldn't hurt.
Despite the strife my decision caused, what I did was right. It's just that it was also wrong. Fun stuff.
On our way back into fleetspace, Atlantis intercepted a distress call from fleetships ... about Undine attacking. No one knew what was going on.
I'm not going to recount it ALL here because I am tired of recounting it. It turns out Admiral Ashkeph played the entire fleet. The whole thing was a ploy to drop off Federation translation devices in what are likely Irreo communities. She infected the datacores of the ships in the convoy, sent them into simulation mode.
She drove my engineering staff to the limit, too. We've been cycling out shifts on light-duty just so they can catch their breath again. Counseling's been short-staffed to the point where I had to request a temporary boost in staff from surrounding fleets. Thankfully Pohl was able to ferry them here for us and Isohlah and his people should shortly be feeling some sort of relief.
Everyone's reeling from what happened. The poor Rear-Admiral's been a dragon to deal with. I had overheard Katriel, one night at the bar, informing Parsons he shouldn't avoid Neema. I took this as advice from her best friend; she MUST know Neema's emotional situation.
...well, I talked to her and I pushed a little, and it got a little ugly. I know she's overworked, but she won't talk about it - I don't know if maybe she feels bad about sending me away, or upset that she didn't fight back against the Admiral as openly as I did, or even just angry that I got in the way of some paperwork. I'm not sure. She can take care of everything with her rank but I really do want to help. At this point, I'll likely just avoid her until she wants to speak again on a friendly out-of-uniform basis. Everything I do seems to make the rift larger. I'm thinking Katriel was wrong. Maybe she just needs space.
Or maybe she was telling Parsons that to get him yelled at?
When I came back I was ready to apologize for my actions - then to find out the entire thing was Ashkeph's construction - was bewildering. I knew it stunk to high heaven but for a different reason. In a way, I admire her actions. They're wrong by our laws, absolutely, but morally ... I'm not sure she was too far off.
Katriel's an odd duck (socially) but she's a good person, especially to speak to about concerns. I keep thinking maybe I just don't 'get' her. Since our conversation the other day, I've finally calmed the hell down on certain things. It's good, because I really need everything focused on the job right now.
Things are getting slowly but surely better. Long days, a lot of concerns, security's still stretched but counseling's making gains. Now, if only that was true for the state of our region. OR the October.
Coby's ship went missing on patrol a ... Month ago? I've lost perspective of time. now, they've found some wreckage and casualties of their auxiliary craft. People tend to forget that I served as October's XO for a period of time - I knew enough of the people. A few of the losses, actually, were people I was familiar with. It definitely hurt to get the news. I keep trying to be positive, that they'll find the ship. That whatever sortie cost them the smaller ships went in their favor.
Prayer and positivity is no guarantee, no matter how great it would be if it was. Double down, I guess.
Sara, Neema and I had a movie night last week. It was nice. I'm really glad that Neema can take time to unwind now and again now that the new Vice Admiral is back. After everything that happened, we've all needed the relative silence in the region.
It's helped everyone. Lulls like this almost always end in some big manner and it's often not good. That's just the cycle of being in a Command structure though. The more silence there is, the more efficiency you encounter, the more likely something is going to go wrong in the long run. It's just the way.
Honestly we're approaching that point with Ops - Lieutenant Kermit might become the acting CO when Hanson has to go on maternity leave. She really seems to think he can do it. I think she's mistaken as Hell - that kid's got a major attitude and discipline issue that he needs to get under control to be in a lead position. Who knows; she might be right, she knows him better than me. Before it happens, though, you can bet I'm going to pull him aside and make the expectations crystal clear. He's smart and clever and that's his downfall. He doesn't know when to take a step back and not do something for the laughs.
Willing to give him the chance, for Hanson's sake. God help Ops.
Up at the bar a grim conversation was taking place maybe ten minutes ago. The entire line of captains talking about their casualty rates during conflicts. Makes me wish people wouldn't do that; dwelling on that sort of thing is so unhealthy. Had to bail on that eventually, because that sort of thing affects the mood.
So I'm going to make dinner, drop some off with some friends, then hit the hay. Mme and Ntate will be here next week and there are preparations still to make. Depending on how things go, too, I might need to catch the new Admiral's ear again. Going to be an interesting week.
That was the first time I'd been in combat in a long time. Real combat. Not that mess with the drones with Captain Konieczko but real, prolonged, ship-to-ship combat. The first time since the war, I think.
Atlantis came out of it with some severe nacelle damage, but nothing a little work at DS9 couldn't fix up.
I can't say I liked it though. Still have the skills in the seat to keep people safe, and we did a real quantifiable amount of good out there in the battlefield - especially considering the age of that ship's design - but I'll be happy to keep this a yearly occurrence if I can. It's not like I haven't worked through a lot of the issues I had after the Elachi, just that I'd really rather not push my luck. Avoiding nervous breakdowns is a good thing right?
Sara was right at home though. That's good. Nymas left her, which I can't believe I'm writing. It's some political issue with his family. It sounds like she's likely not going to see him again, and for Sara, I just don't know how she'll cope. I've been trying to be there, but this station's kept me really busy lately. Maybe the fight helped her. That's her kind of schtick these days, ever since Omega. She loves her combat.
Mme and Ntate have been around a little over a week, and they've be leaving at the end of this one. I'll be traveling with them until they transfer to another ship headed for Cardassian space. It's been great to have them around and I missed them so badly. Neema's told me she's interested in meeting them before they head out, over a meal. As if making Captain didn't give them a good enough impression, now they get to dine with an Admiral?
Favored child status, here we come!
(joking)
For the first time since Luke and I, there are things I've been keeping from them, but that's natural and important I suppose. Still can't shake the weird feeling that I'm lying to them. But I'm not, there's not anything to lie about. Yet.
Back to work now I guess. There's been tension ever since the Gainsborough incident in some areas of the station. We lost too many people.
Commander Wilson is freshly acting in our security. That's going swimmingly.
So darn swimmingly I need to log off now and write up another long-winded response to explain what happened.
Things have been quiet, but it's more the quiet as if something's laying in wait. Specifically that Species 2942(is that the designation? I don't want to look it up right now). Neema's put together a task force for potential diplomacy in the face of their aggression. It really is nice to be in a command where the first thing on the Admiral's minds isn't armed conflict, but potential peaceful resolution first.
Not holding my breath but we have to try our best.
I'm hearing more talk about Terix again. While we should be willing to be helpful, actually sending representatives to their senate for this sort of political action is awfully friendly. Overly-friendly. It makes me very uneasy because the Romulans clearly aren't happy with this whole mess, and this kind of support by our Command is a little much. However I have to trust she and Khrvn know what they're doing.
Mme and Ntate really enjoyed themselves on-station. It was so great, being able to show them what I've done and how I've recovered. They never said it outright, but they had to be just as scared as I was back when. That I'd give Starfleet up because of how things went and the things I had to go through.
They were overjoyed, too, to have dinner with the Admiral. It was such a nice gesture for Neema to make to them. Mme finds her fascinating because of the age thing. I tried to ask her not to bring it up, but Mme does what she wants. I might have rank these days but she still brought me into this world and God help me, she'll make sure I know it.
Staff meetings are back - Caspius ran last month's, because I was off base with my parents, but I'll be running it this month. It's very strange ... I'm very GOOD at individual meetings and departmental reviews, but I'm actually a little nervous about running a full department-head meeting. It makes no sense, right?
I've been trying to spend more time with Sara since Nymas left her. She's always more torn up than she lets on, and she'll always be that mousy Lieutenant to me. Hoping Halloween will keep her spirits high.
Haven't really had enough personal time lately. Need to fix that. Too much time alone, in my office ... might be time to whip up a dinner and surprise you-know-who.
“Thanks. I was hoping maybe we could talk for a few minutes, do you have time?”
“I have a bit. Here, here’s a mug. You take cream right?”
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks.”
“So….something on your mind?”
“A little maybe. Not much if I’m being honest, Father. We don’t talk as much as I’d like us to and I really value your perspective. I was getting ready to head into the office and I thought that I should come and see you.”
“I appreciate that. You have been kind of scarce lately, we’ve missed you at services.”
“Yeah.”
“Anything specific o-“
“No, actually, there’s nothing that’s been keeping me away. I’ve just been keeping busy outside of the office. My best friend‘s fiancé abandoned her and I’ve been trying to be available. So I’ve been cooking for her and someone else, more than I probably need to.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off.”
“It’s fine. As long as you remember to bring me cookies next time. To make up for the pain.”
“Ha. You’ve got it. My counselor says it’s probably just me shifting my focus of affection. You remember I’ve told you about … well, yeah. The whole over-reliance on ‘partners’ for validation after the Elachi.”
“Yes. How’s that been going, your personal life? Are you being more reserved about your affections now?”
“…kiiiind of, to both. I hate to be vague, Father. It’s complex and I can’t really get into it, but it’s … it’s not the focus of my life. It’s an important piece of it and something that means something important to me, but I’m dialing back consciously.
“Which is hard, let me tell you.”
“So you’ve still been thinking about what we talked about before.”
“Last time, yes. I have to keep focusing and ask, ‘Is this what I need – is this was they need – is this what my relationship with God needs, right now at this moment?’. Don’t get me wrong I’m not being neglectful. If anything I’m still the needy party with affection, but it helps.”
“That’s the right question to ask. You know what the Lord expects from you, he makes that very clear through all of his servants. What the Lord needs from you is your best. That’s what he needs from all of us.”
“We’re all sinners, yeah. Some of us more than others.”
“Doesn’t make any of us more loved or worthy of that love.”
“Psh. I know that. It’s good to hear it though, thanks.
“Father, can I come back tonight? Do you have plans?”
“Yeah, I was planning on holding a wild party.”
“Should I bring supper? I have a roast on right now.”
“…you’re serious.”
“Don’t laugh at me!”
“Of course, Tau, I’d appreciate a home-cooked meal. You’re on your way in to work then?”
“I am. Thanks for the coffee, Father Michaels. God bless you. I’ll see you later.”
“You’re more than welcome. May the blessing of God be upon you - I'll see you tonight.”
I'll do everything I can to make sure you do, as embarrassing or silly as this will seem at the time you get to read it.
I want you to know that when we'd sit together and talk, that was always the highlight of my day.
I know you've lost your parents. I can't imagine how difficult that would be.
I've hoped to be someone for you to look up to and consider a friend, a big brother.
I hope we still get that chance. Or even if you decide in a year I'm a big dork and you can't stand me, that you would be my friend until you get 'too cool'.
I want you to know that you and your sister won't ever be alone. Lots of people care.
I'll make sure we find you either way. I won't give up.
Spoiler: Summa Theologiae, Saint. Thomas AquinasShow
Question 38. The remedies of sorrow or pain
Article 4. Whether pain and sorrow are assuaged by the contemplation of truth?
Objection 1. It would seem that the contemplation of truth does not assuage sorrow. For it is written (Ecclesiastes 1:18): "He that addeth knowledge addeth also sorrow" [Vulgate: 'labor']. But knowledge pertains to the contemplation of truth. Therefore the contemplation of truth does not assuage sorrow.
Objection 2. Further, the contemplation of truth belongs to the speculative intellect. But "the speculative intellect is not a principle of movement"; as stated in De Anima iii, 11. Therefore, since joy and sorrow are movements of the soul, it seems that the contemplation of truth does not help to assuage sorrow.
Objection 3. Further, the remedy for an ailment should be applied to the part which ails. But contemplation of truth is in the intellect. Therefore it does not assuage bodily pain, which is in the senses.
On the contrary, Augustine says (Soliloq. i, 12): "It seemed to me that if the light of that truth were to dawn on our minds, either I should not feel that pain, or at least that pain would seem nothing to me."
I answer that, As stated above (I-II:3:5), the greatest of all pleasures consists in the contemplation of truth. Now every pleasure assuages pain as stated above (Article 1): hence the contemplation of truth assuages pain or sorrow, and the more so, the more perfectly one is a lover of wisdom. And therefore in the midst of tribulations men rejoice in the contemplation of Divine things and of future Happiness, according to James 1:2: "My brethren, count it all joy, when you shall fall into divers temptations": and, what is more, even in the midst of bodily tortures this joy is found; as the "martyr Tiburtius, when he was walking barefoot on the burning coals, said: Methinks, I walk on roses, in the name of Jesus Christ." [Cf. Dominican Breviary, August 11th, commemoration of St. Tiburtius.]
Reply to Objection 1. "He that addeth knowledge, addeth sorrow," either on account of the difficulty and disappointment in the search for truth; or because knowledge makes man acquainted with many things that are contrary to his will. Accordingly, on the part of the things known, knowledge causes sorrow: but on the part of the contemplation of truth, it causes pleasure.
Reply to Objection 2. The speculative intellect does not move the mind on the part of the thing contemplated: but on the part of contemplation itself, which is man's good and naturally pleasant to him.
Reply to Objection 3. In the powers of the soul there is an overflow from the higher to the lower powers: and accordingly, the pleasure of contemplation, which is in the higher part, overflows so as to mitigate even that pain which is in the senses.
If I keep asking favors of Katriel, and keep repaying her for them in chocolate, will she fatten up the whole starbase?
Can't help but wonder.
I'm not going to get into everything, because it's not worth it. Was ready to crack some Captains' heads together for information on Roroa's disappearance - didn't need to. Shouldn't have let my grief get to me so wound up. But that poor girl. If she's alive, she's likely struggling for survival.
...and the fact that it wasn't put out there that children were on those ships at the time this happened really bothers me. If civilians were on those ships then we have to prioritize SAR missions, right? You'd think? It seemed to surprise everyone at the meeting that a child was aboard that ship, at least.
But. BUT. The truth is that commands are large, we're on the potential brink with the Tzenkithi and 2492 and because of that priorities happen and things get lost in the shuffle. I do wish, though, it hadn't been knowing that.
There are things that need my attention and I can't neglect those in the least because of grief. She's not my relative and maybe people think it's a little weird. A child losing their parents, though, with a surviving sister who's an officer...? That's a lot of lonely time. A lot of time to dwell on what's happened and a lot of time for sadness. Children are never as well-adjusted as they appear about death (adults certainly aren't and we've had experience). She needed a friend.
Roroa, Modimo ago segohatse.
Next time I write in here about you? Starfleet will have found you. Promise.
I couldn't be happier. It's been a while since I've done a video log, and today I considered it but I figured what I wanted to talk about was too hard to really talk about out loud. Actually I've figured out that it's likely that's why I've been avoiding my verbal and visual logs. Something I've really struggled with since starting all the therapy, back when I did, is how to properly verbalize things when not analyzing myself.
I don't always need to analyze, right?
No one was hurt. Nothing happened. I can breathe easy. I could have breathed easy anyway, because it's not like they were going to do anything but it's difficult. After every trial I've been through, and God has put me through quite a few, what ultimately happened on that day to Andre and the starbase wasn't hard to contend with. I don't like typing that.
His death wasn't 'easy' to handle, the damage wasn't easy to deal with, the disarray was a nightmare. But after everything that has happened in my career up to that point it felt like 'another day'. I've been trying to figure out if that's weird or not and I haven't been able to. This is all going somewhere and I shouldn't let myself get sidetracked.
On Sunday, the Vice Admiral awarded me with two medals. One of them was the Christopher Pike Medal of Valor. The other recipient was Neema.
I've been thinking about it, trying to really grasp what I did to earn it. Other people will think I'm playing coy maybe, so I don't really want to bring this up to them, but I don't know. That's a nice feeling in a way. It must mean that in the course of my job I'm tending to things that are registering as 'normal' to me that others are seeing as important, or valorous, or what have you.
I suppose that's how one avoids gaining an ego?
Darned if I know. I put it in the case beside my Starfleet Cross and my P.O.W. Ribbon. This is the first medal that I've earned since before losing the Janus that I feel like I can be proud of. That's huge. I'm hoping that maybe if I get used to seeing it there, stuck between the two things that (sounding very melodramatic here) 'haunt' my career, maybe I can come to some kind of terms with it.
This ended up being an analysis after all. That's fine because I'd rather talk about this then the whole debacle with security.
A distinctive scent of cinnamon hung in the air as Tau entered his home and greeted the excited and chuffing Rotty who followed him into his bedroom. The Captain's quarters were decidedly quaint, if one was to consider how over-the-top busy the station commander's office was. In that place where were Christmas tchotchkes and bells and a prominent advent calendar gifted to him by his First. He kept it decidedly secular, and perhaps that was the divide.
If someone were to walk in on Captain Thiessen's quarters here in his living space they might be surprised by the understated atmosphere. The rooms were dim and there were lights. They were soft and twinkling a pale white, their pace almost matched with the sounds of the Drifters singing their take on 'White Christmas'. The overweight and elderly orange tabby that slept on the couch was likely not a threat to the small nativity diorama Tau kept sitting on what would normally be the coffee table, resting on a silken white cloth.
There was a Christmas tree, too. The small tree, draped in ribbons of white and gold, also shone a soft golden-white from the lights adorning its branches. Small silver crosses, angels and snowflakes dangled from the boughs - an angel topped the tree. It was traditional, it was tasteful and it spoke to a mellow side of the man's celebrations his crew would likely not ever see.
The Captain, tired from a long day, set himself down on the couch beside the old cat. He was still in uniform, though his jacket was unfastened, and didn't look like he'd be getting up to change anytime soon. He slumped down in the couch and stretched out as he observed his home. The gifts sat under the tree had remained unmolested by his young dog. That animal, Mompati, settled her muzzle on his knee and stared up at the man with soulful puppy eyes. His hand found its way to the top of her head, rustling the animal's ears and kneading the skin.
"What a good girl you are." Tau said softly down to her in seTswana before closing his eyes. He let himself drift off to sleep, to the nap he had been looking forward to all day. For the first time since he had been there on mental health leave, Tau had decided he was going to be going back to Earth for Christmas. Going with and being with people he loved. This was looking to be the best Christmas in a long, long time.
I've been a little frantic to wrap things up. Not that I'll really need to because of Caspius' insane level of efficiency. He wanted to meet with me before I left, though, and we still haven't gotten around to it. We'll have to make it happen pretty quickly. I think the security shake-up has him on edge. Wilson ended up being okayed to return to duty by JAG but it's clear Caspius was not okay with it. At all. I get it, the guy had some questionable decisions. However I've been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and if the Admiral wants him back on, then I'll trust him to work that job right. We've had enough discussions to make that abundantly clear.
Aside from that whole hullabaloo though it's been really kind of quiet.
In the leadup to Christmas, that's nice. It's given me more time to actually observe Advent. That wasn't really a luxury I've had for years now. To be able to devote time outside of my quarters like that, it's nice. The secret santa's in full swing (I'm a helper this year) and we don't have any major conflicts. There's always this potential hovering over the horizon, but it's still not quite in range yet and might not ever be.
This is really a beautiful time of year. People seem to be in a good place this year, going by the 'vibe' of the station.
I dunno. It's been a good, good year, considering how grim things began. And things are grim, still - we still haven't found the Gainsborough crew. Roroa's still out there, in one way or another, and she's never far from my thoughts. What good would negativity do? I do get this really visceral anger over her and the entire situation. I try to channel it, though, into more constructive things.
Getting like that over her, or Andre's loss, it's not going to do anything. So I'm trying to use that energy to celebrate and enrich the lives of others.
That sounds so pretentious! Ha. All that really equates to realistically is me getting fat off of my increased cookie baking.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is discord, union.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
