Personal Logs; Vehl, Naderi

“Computer, begin personal log,” Naderi stated in a slightly musical voice as she slipped herself into one of the seats in her quarters on the Dallas. “Ah, it’s been far too long since I’ve done one of these,” she sighed as she idly spun the chair around…before pausing. “I mean, I’ve done plenty of these before. Officers, of course, are required to keep personal logs. But before I was joined, it was always so…clinical. What my day consisted of, what I think I’m going to do tomorrow, what I should be focusing on. Never me.”

She paused for a moment, then sagged in her chair. “Me. That’s still something I’m grappling with. It seems only yesterday that I was sitting in a Captain’s quarters, talking about my last mission on the Illustrious before I retired back to Trill to become a professor. But that wasn’t me. That was Elras, and yet…I remember it as if I was there. Because I was, and yet I wasn’t. If that sounds confusing, its because it is. Voicing it out loud certainly doesn’t make it any less so.”

For a few moments, she sat and thought to herself in silence. Then slowly, she’d start to spin her chair around again as she mused, “I was afraid of changing, when all of this started. I wanted nothing more than to be joined, but I also feared it more than anything else. I think part of me thought it wouldn’t change me at all, that I’d manage to come out of it with all of the knowledge and experience I craved, but still…not lose myself. And yet I have changed, and for all intents and purposes it seems to be for the better. People like me more, I think. I mean, here I am on the Dallas as the Chief Medical Officer, with only a little over a year of real world experience! I mean, most doctors would kill for this opportunity, and here I am. Would Naderi Rahn have been offered this job? Maybe. I guess I’ll never really know.”

She abruptly stood and started to pace around her room as she continued to just let her thoughts flow freely, without any real order, “I like how I’ve changed. I genuinely feel happier and more relaxed than before, and I feel even closer to my friends. I’ve even found a lot more genuine enjoyment in my work. But am I just saying that because I’m joined now? If I saw what I would be like after joining when I was yet Naderi Rahn, would I have still wanted to be joined? And yes, I know intellectually that such thoughts do no good, but for some reason I can’t help but…”

The woman abruptly trailed off for a moment, stopping in her step. After a second, her smile grew and she added, “I guess that’s just the Rahn in me speaking, isn’t it? That overanalytical nature, trying to plot everything out well before they occur, trying so hard to make sure I don’t make ‘the wrong choice.’ I may not be her anymore…but I’ve still got plenty of her. Some of the good, some of the bad, enough that I still have plenty of learning and growing to do.”

She let out a short, musical laugh, before sliding back over to plop herself down in her chair. “I guess that’s as good a spot as any to end it, right? Computer, end log.”


The log began as all others before had. “Computer, begin personal log,” the Trill said, seated in her personal quarters on Deep Space 13. As seemed to be common with most of her more recent logs, she was dressed in civilian clothes, wearing a light blue sun dress with a gold floral pattern, the colors a gentle complement to her shoulder-length blonde hair.

Once more, she appeared to be contemplative, thinking to herself for a bit before speaking slowly, “Sometimes you just really need to stop and think, right? The last year has been…a lot. One might get a fair bit of whiplash from all that has occurred. I returned to Deep Space 13 a changed woman, I applied to and actually received the position of Chief Medical Officer for the Dallas, I was promoted to Lieutenant, I made more friends, I had a little part in pushing back a multiversal invasion, and…there sure have been a lot of patients.”

Idly, she reached forward to scoop up a plushie from her desk - that of a little tribble. It was, of course, very fake and very much not alive, so there was no risk there of any hijinks. She squeezed the fluffy thing absentmindedly as she continued, “The last year has brought so much change. Perhaps I’m lucky in that almost all of that change was good. But with Dallas undergoing extensive refit…well, I’m really not doing much anymore, other than assisting other crews and occasionally taking shifts at the station’s medical facilities. I’ve considered looking for another position…I mean, being a Chief Medical Officer as a Lieutenant is a great move and all, but to essentially be on standby for this long? I’m not sure if I can manage that. I suppose there’s nothing stopping me from looking into another position while holding this one, and if something does come up then I can put in for a transfer. And if not, then…well, I am certainly still happy where I am!”

She grinned and leaned back in her seat. “At least the time for relaxation is nothing to scoff at. Just this last week I had the most lovely dinner with Nick, I got to tag along on a mission that uncovered space bugs, and I might even be part of a trip to Risa with Alina and Valore! Now that’ll be fun, hopefully with a sharp decrease of kidnap attempts though. I still feel bad for Veneela after that last debacle…”

Naderi sighed and squeezed the plushie again, causing it to let out a squeaky noise. “Overall, my first year of joining, my first year at the task force as Vehl, my first year being a CMO, and first year with the weight of my life’s goal being lifted from my shoulders? I’d say it’s as good as it could’ve been. And yet…I wish I could’ve had more. I feel like I didn’t do enough, wasn’t there for enough. Is that bad? I feel like that is bad. I ought to be content in my lot in life, with all that’s been happening…”

The Trill woman fell silent again, musing to herself as she idly stared at her datapad. Eventually, she spoke, “I’ve decided I don’t like year in review logs. Better to move onward, yes? Besides, if I’m to try and make ‘Captain Vehl’ a reality again, I’ve got a long road ahead of me. And yet, I think it’s important to remember how far one has come. Reminds me of something an old friend once told me - ‘when the road before you is so long and arduous, it can be difficult seeing how far you’ve already come, how far you’ve made it.’ Both Naderi and Vehl have come a long way, and I think I’m the better for it. I hope the ones I love agree.”

Her eyes then suddenly bulged. “Speaking of the ones I love, it’s Mother’s Day! I completely forgot!” She then took a second and then sighed, relaxing. “Forgot it was a human holiday. Mother won’t care.” Then she immediately stiffened. “Wait, yes she does! Starfleet does it and we used to celebrate it as I was growing up! Uh…gotta go! End personal log!”