“Computer, begin personal log,” Naderi stated in a slightly musical voice as she slipped herself into one of the seats in her quarters on the Dallas. “Ah, it’s been far too long since I’ve done one of these,” she sighed as she idly spun the chair around…before pausing. “I mean, I’ve done plenty of these before. Officers, of course, are required to keep personal logs. But before I was joined, it was always so…clinical. What my day consisted of, what I think I’m going to do tomorrow, what I should be focusing on. Never me.”
She paused for a moment, then sagged in her chair. “Me. That’s still something I’m grappling with. It seems only yesterday that I was sitting in a Captain’s quarters, talking about my last mission on the Illustrious before I retired back to Trill to become a professor. But that wasn’t me. That was Elras, and yet…I remember it as if I was there. Because I was, and yet I wasn’t. If that sounds confusing, its because it is. Voicing it out loud certainly doesn’t make it any less so.”
For a few moments, she sat and thought to herself in silence. Then slowly, she’d start to spin her chair around again as she mused, “I was afraid of changing, when all of this started. I wanted nothing more than to be joined, but I also feared it more than anything else. I think part of me thought it wouldn’t change me at all, that I’d manage to come out of it with all of the knowledge and experience I craved, but still…not lose myself. And yet I have changed, and for all intents and purposes it seems to be for the better. People like me more, I think. I mean, here I am on the Dallas as the Chief Medical Officer, with only a little over a year of real world experience! I mean, most doctors would kill for this opportunity, and here I am. Would Naderi Rahn have been offered this job? Maybe. I guess I’ll never really know.”
She abruptly stood and started to pace around her room as she continued to just let her thoughts flow freely, without any real order, “I like how I’ve changed. I genuinely feel happier and more relaxed than before, and I feel even closer to my friends. I’ve even found a lot more genuine enjoyment in my work. But am I just saying that because I’m joined now? If I saw what I would be like after joining when I was yet Naderi Rahn, would I have still wanted to be joined? And yes, I know intellectually that such thoughts do no good, but for some reason I can’t help but…”
The woman abruptly trailed off for a moment, stopping in her step. After a second, her smile grew and she added, “I guess that’s just the Rahn in me speaking, isn’t it? That overanalytical nature, trying to plot everything out well before they occur, trying so hard to make sure I don’t make ‘the wrong choice.’ I may not be her anymore…but I’ve still got plenty of her. Some of the good, some of the bad, enough that I still have plenty of learning and growing to do.”
She let out a short, musical laugh, before sliding back over to plop herself down in her chair. “I guess that’s as good a spot as any to end it, right? Computer, end log.”